


Stuck In Second Gear

by Imogen_LeFay



Series: I'll Be There For You [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Cooper Anderson & Sebastian Smythe Friendship, Eventual Klaine Breakup, Future Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2020-09-30 22:04:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 60,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20454275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imogen_LeFay/pseuds/Imogen_LeFay
Summary: “Just because your wedding was a mistake, doesn’t mean your marriage has to be.”For four years, Blaine tries. Through good times and bad, sickness and health, he tries. And for four years, a piece of paper with a number he knows by heart, is burning a metaphorical hole into his pocket, reminding him of options and safety and chances.It takes four years until what was inevitable from the beginning.“Sebastian… I’d like to make my phone call.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Procrastination strikes again, but at least writing is a bit more productive than playing Stardew Valley all day.  
Anyway, this sequel to "When The Rain Starts To Pour" follows Blaine's journey of trying to make his marriage work, until he finally reaches the point where he has to admit they've failed.  
I'm trying not to write in caricatures, but I can't promise the writing won't be a bit biased against Kurt from time to time. Let's see how that's working out.

* * *

Blaine felt like the eye of the storm, although that might be a bit too dramatic. It had been a long day, saying goodbye to the place that had been his home for so long, but now, at the Hummels’ dinner table, surrounded by the people that were now legally his family as well as emotionally, listening to a conversation that seemed just a bit too loud, he felt…

Detached. But in a good way, if there was such a thing.

He smiled, and nodded, and piped in at the right moments as Kurt was talking about his meeting with Rachel and Jesse, and the plans they made for Regionals and Nationals. But deep down, he wasn’t completely engaged in the conversation.

It was okay though, it really was. He was exhausted, but calm. Maybe he was drained from the day’s events, his panic attack, and having to leave Dalton behind (for now, a voice at the back of his mind said, and he could hear the smirk and wink in it), but at the moment, he felt okay. He’d be sad for a long while, but he didn’t feel paralyzed anymore. The cold and fear had dissipated under the camaraderie between the Warblers, and Sebastian’s words.

“You doing okay there?”

He looked up at Burt’s word to find the man looking at him with barely concealed concern. Maybe he zoned out a bit more than he thought.

“I’m okay,” he said, “just… it was a long day.”

“It’s such a sweet idea to hold a memorial,” Carol said, “for students to get a chance to say goodbye.”

Blaine opened his mouth to agree, and the warmth in her expression almost made him want to open up, talk about Dalton, what it meant…

“And for alumni to get a chance to feel bad enough to donate money for the repairs,” Kurt said. “They laid it on a bit thick. Honestly, that was more a fundraiser than a memorial.”

It wasn’t true, not completely. Yes, they wanted donations, but it had also been a chance to reconnect with his friends, a chance to say goodbye, and of course, a chance to gain some perspective. He realized once more that Kurt had never understood Dalton the way he did, and he didn’t have the words to explain it.

“Was it a nice ceremony though?” Carol asked, maybe picking up on his reaction.

“It was,” Blaine said before he could be interrupted. “And yes, of course they’re going to raise money for the restorations, but it was more than that. They put emphasis on Dalton virtues, to remind us to stick with them, even if Dalton is gone for now. Keep them alive, so to speak, until they rebuild and it can all come home.”

And Kurt… rolled his eyes.

As if Dalton was a joke. As if Blaine was being ridiculous, as if all those virtues were made up. As if it didn’t matter.

“You disagree,” he said, more of a statement than a question.

“I just think they put in too much pathos about Dalton traditions, just to make the alumni feel bad and give more money. Besides, how virtuous was Dalton really? Doesn’t seem to matter all the much if you consider the stuff they let Sebastian pull off.”

When he closed his eyes, Blaine could still conjure up the feeling of Sebastian holding him, bringing him back from his panic attack when Kurt had been off, chatting with Rachel. He could hear his velvet voice, telling him that Dalton would live on. Even Sebastian, for all his cynicism and sarcasm could see what Dalton meant.

But Kurt would probably always see it as an exile, a cage that he couldn’t wait to escape. Blaine understood that, of course. Kurt never chose Dalton, was forced there, and never really fit in. He was too individualistic for that, had to express himself otherwise he’d just… choke. Blaine understood. But for him, it had been a safe haven, a place to find himself again when the world had beaten him down. He just wished sometimes Kurt would accept that they had completely different experiences.

Usually, he’d let it go. But now, his serenity had been dispelled, the hurt was back, and something bitter was stuck in his throat. He wanted to protest and shout, and…

Unconsciously, he put his hand in his pocket, the fingers brushing against the paper with Sebastian’s number. _I could end it right here._

It was a sobering thought. Somehow, it soothed his temper. He took a deep breath before speaking.

“It matters to me,” he said, looking straight into Kurt’s eyes, careful not to shield himself. For a moment, he let go of all his masks that he got used to wearing, those that made him look like he knew what he was doing, like he was fine, like he wasn’t bothered by being ignored and belittled. Instead, for a moment, he let Kurt in, let him see, hoped it showed everything going on in his mind – that he was hurting, and sad, and how important this was for him.

And Kurt met his gaze – and he saw. For just a second, his eyes widened, and he looked almost ashamed, at least regretful. He took Blaine’s hand under the table, squeezed it in what Blaine understood as a silent apology.

Blaine hadn’t realized he’d been holding his breath until he could finally release it. Finally, it felt as if Kurt understood.

The awkward moment was broken when Burt started asking questions about their upcoming plans, and Blaine was happy to let Kurt go back to describing what he and Rachel had come up with. He still felt easier, calmer, back at his point as eye of the storm, except not quite as detached with Kurt’s hand anchoring him.

This was good. He managed to show Kurt how upset he was, and Kurt had noticed, had reacted. It wasn’t quite the open communication they both needed, but it was a start.

His other hand closed around the paper in his pocket.

They were going to be fine.

* * *

Second time national champions New Directions. It definitely had a nice ring to it.

Blaine felt his heart soar, pride washing over him as he watched the students take their trophy. All that hard work had finally paid off, even if he’d had his doubts during the rehearsals, trying to combine two groups into one.

He turned to Kurt, his smile so wide it hurt, to celebrate their victory.

Kurt and Rachel were hugging, holding onto each other, and squealing in a range that might just be audible to bats. It took Blaine out of the moment like cold water to the face. He looked back to the kids, their clear excitement soothing the sudden, unexpected hurt at least a little bit. When he turned back, Kurt was in front of him, pulling him into a quick hug as well, beaming at him, and Blaine laughed, trying to pretend everything was fine, to recapture the joy and excitement from just a few moments ago.

Kurt and Rachel started congratulating their students, and Blaine followed, putting on a show face for the kids. They were right to be excited, and he was definitely not immature enough to be upset about his husband first turning to Rachel instead of him. It made sense after all, they were the ones who had pushed this version of New Directions to the top. Blaine and the Warblers had just been an addition.

His step faltered when the realization hit him. That was it, wasn’t it? In the end, it was just about Kurt and Rachel, and the New Directions. His boys had been accepted as support, but in the end, it wasn’t about them. Had he failed his own students? Should he have insisted on boosting their voices, made sure they stood out more than they did? Did they feel as detached from the group as he did?

Judging from their smiles, maybe not. Still, the feeling of victory felt tinged now by regret. He should have taken better care of them, been a better advocate. A better leader. But this wasn’t the time. He couldn’t go back and change the set-up, and either way, it had been good enough to earn them the national championship. Tonight was for celebrating.

It was only later, at the diner they decided to celebrate at, with the students busy with their food and excitement, and Rachel and Kurt and Mr. Shue putting their heads together, conspiring about something or other (something about taking down Sue for good, and okay, that was something worth doing), that Blaine felt he had to let go of the mask for just a little bit. He excused himself, stepping outside for some fresh air.

Tonight wasn’t about him. Tonight was about them, and they were happy, proud, excited as they had every right to be. Him feeling like an outsider was nothing new, but it was very much his personal problem, and he would get over it.

His phone rang, an unsaved number he’d recognize anytime. He shot a glance through the diner’s window, where Kurt was still excitedly talking to Rachel and Mr. Shue.

Without a second thought, Blaine answered the phone.

“National champions,” Sebastian’s smooth voice said instead of a greeting. “I’ve got to admit, it has a nice ring to it.”

Blaine blinked in confusion. “How did you…”

“Show choir blogs,” Sebastian replied, and Blaine could picture him shrugging, a slightly self-conscious smile on his face. “That was actually a pretty good show you put up. Almost impressive.”

Blaine laughed, shaking his head. “Careful, you’re starting to sound _nice_. One might think you actually cared.”

“Tell anyone and they’ll never find your body,” Sebastian replied. “But seriously… you did great. Congratulations.”

It would be so easy to just say thank you and be done with it. But Sebastian might just be the one person he could open up to, the one person who understood what he was really upset about.

“It wasn’t fair to the Warblers. I should have… I don’t know, given them more opportunity to shine. To have this be their victory too. I didn’t stand up for them enough.”

There was silence on the other end of the line, and Blaine wondered if he made a mistake. But then, Sebastian sighed, softly, and Blaine imagined feeling his breath against his ear.

“I wouldn’t worry about it. Let’s be honest, in the long run they’ll only remember winning, not the details.”

“Is that enough, though?” Blaine asked, hating how insecure he sounded.

“For them, sure? For you… I don’t know, is anything you ever do good enough for you? Just… relax for once, Blaine. Your standards are way too high.”

“That’s Cooper’s fault,” Blaine said. And maybe his father’s, but this was not the time to bring up all of his issues.

“Oh yeah, he says hi by the way,” Sebastian said. “He told me I’m his wingman now. Should I be worried?”

“Very. Actually, you should use your chance to run away while you can.”

“I’m afraid it’s too late for me. Do try to mourn for me, will you?” Sebastian voice sounded light, fun. Blaine imagined him in LA, sun-kissed and carefree, and he felt a bit jealous. It was a nice picture.

“I’ll give a eulogy that will go down in Dalton history,” Blaine promised.

They were silent for a moment, and just at the moment Blaine wondered if it was comfortable or awkward, Sebastian spoke again.

“You could have won without them,” he said, his voice softer than before, as if this was more private. “You and the Warblers. You’d have deserved it.”

Blaine closed his eyes, surprised at the warmth filling him. He wasn’t sure how serious Sebastian was being, or how biased he was, but it meant a lot to hear it – that he and his contribution mattered, that at least someone thought he was good enough.

“Anyway, I have to go,” Sebastian said. “Congratulations again.”

“Thank you,” Blaine said, not sure what he was referring to. “Say hi to Cooper?”

“If I get a word in. Talk to you later?”

Blaine found himself smiling. “Definitely.”

Ending the call, he felt calmer. He took another few breaths of fresh air before he returned inside, sliding into the booth beside Kurt, who shot him a wide smile. He leaned in, putting a kiss on his husband cheeks, as Kurt started telling him the plans they’d made to take down Sue. They sounded insane, but then again, that was McKinley. What else had he expected?

* * *

Blaine wasn’t sure what he expected upon returning to New York. He was looking forward to studying at NYU, certain that the atmosphere there would suit him much better than NYADA and its cliques ever had. Tutoring the Warblers had restored his confidence, and maybe broadened his perspective a bit. Plus, going to different schools would be less strain on him and Kurt as well, giving both of them more space to unfold.

What he hadn’t been prepared for, was to return to the Bushwick loft. He wasn’t even sure how Kurt had been able to hold onto it while staying in Ohio for a semester, but somehow he had made it worked. He shouldn’t have been surprised, both Kurt and Rachel loved the place and were clearly ecstatic to be back.

Blaine felt like throwing up the moment he stepped through the door.

_What’s different this time? What will you do different this time to get a different result?_

Two times he had moved into this place, hopeful to start life with his soulmate. Neither of them had worked out. And now, they were back here.

Blaine had only thought about college, not their living arrangements. But everything in the loft reminded hm of their former failures. It didn’t help that Rachel was going to stay with them. Then again, the loft had been hers and Kurt’s, so maybe it was more that Blaine was staying with them? Either way, he felt his throat close up as they started unpacking, the chattering between Kurt and Rachel setting him even more on edge. Was he imagining that Kurt was acting overly cheerful, or was that just his hope that he wasn’t the only person not at ease?

At some point, their giddy excitement was too much. He excused himself, hiding away in the bathroom – at least that one had a door, and walls, and how exactly was it a good idea to have three people living here? He sat town on the floor, leaning his head against the wall, and tried to calm his breathing. He felt ridiculous. It was just a loft. It wasn’t like it was cursed, like their relationship couldn’t thrive here. It was up to them to make it work. And it had to work, right? If they couldn’t make it this time, he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to try again. That would be it for them.

His fingers twitched, and he wished he had that piece of paper with Sebastian’s number at hand. It was somewhere in his wallet right now, but he couldn’t exactly walk outside, only to hide again once he got his hands on the paper. Instead, he started drawing the numbers onto the bathroom floor.

It would be okay. They would do their best to make it work and not fall back into old patterns. And if it didn’t work out… well, he wouldn’t be left floating. If they crashed and burned – and that was an _if_, not a _when_ – he wouldn’t fall. He had a safety net. He had options. He was here because he wanted to be.

Here with Kurt, not here in the loft.

He really didn’t want to be in the loft.

There was a knock at the door, and after a moment, Kurt peaked inside.

“Are you okay?”

Wasn’t that the question of the century?

“Sorry, I just… needed a moment,” Blaine said, trying to smile.

Kurt came inside, looking at him concerned. “Rachel left to spend the night with Jesse,” he said as he walked up to him. “I’m not sure if I should worry about her, even if she’s sure he turned over a new leaf.”

“That’s a good thing,” Blaine said softy, “new leaves…”

“I guess,” Kurt said, not even trying to sound convinced. He sat down in front of Blaine, and for a moment, they just shared the space without talking.

“You’re not okay,” Kurt said eventually, breaking the silence.

Blaine looked down at his hands, not sure where to start. It was clearly his opening to say how he felt. But Kurt loved this place. How could Blaine make him see just how uncomfortable he was here?

“What’s going on?” Kurt asked, when he didn’t speak for too long.

“It’s just…” Blaine stopped, trying to sort the words in his head. “This place. There are just… memories, you know? We don’t exactly have a good track record with us living here.”

“Well, that’s not the loft’s fault,” Kurt said, and there was just that edge of defensiveness that Blaine had known to expect.

“I know,” Blaine said, “it just feels… weird, coming back here. The rule of three, you know?”

“Or maybe third time’s the charm?” Kurt countered.

“Or three is a crowd,” Blaine said before he could catch himself.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kurt asked, and now there was more than an edge to it.

Blaine wasn’t sure he was ready for this particular discussion, wasn’t sure if he’d ever be. Maybe he should prepare better before bringing it up – Kurt got defensive so easily, was half-way there already, and there was no talking to Kurt when his shields were up. But that was the point, wasn’t it? They’d have to communicate, if this marriage was supposed to have a snowball’s chance in hell, and for that Blaine had to be his own person, stand up for himself, and not just go along with everything Kurt wanted until he couldn’t remember who he even was anymore.

“I don’t think these living arrangements are going to work out long-term,” he said. “Us and Rachel, in the loft. I mean… we’re married. Shouldn’t we have some sort of privacy?”

“Couples our age have room-mates all the time,” Kurt said.

“Married couples?” Blaine replied.

“There aren’t that many married couples our age,” Kurt replied. “Well, not in New York at least…”

True, but it still sat kind of wrong.

“Either way, I’m sure those couples with roommates at least have walls,” Blaine continued, trying not to go off on a tangent.

“Do you expect me to put walls in here? We’re going to make this work. Rachel and I have been living here for ages, and it worked out fine – even when Santana was living here. It was even fine when you lived here with us.”

“We almost broke up when I lived here with you two,” Blaine replied.

“That wasn’t about the living arrangements, that was because you were suffocating me. And we did not almost break up, we had a fight!”

Kurt’s voice got louder, and Blaine realized he was close to losing him. Any moment now, Kurt would shut off and not listen to a thing he said. There were only a few points he’d manage to get in, and pointing out just how bad that fight had been wasn’t worth it.

“Kurt… I just don’t think it’s going to work out. I’m not comfortable with his.”

Kurt frowned at him, clearly not understanding. “So what, is Rachel just supposed to find something else? This is her place as much as mine. We can’t just make her move out. She’s just finding her footing back in New York.”

“What if we find something else?” Blaine asked. “Just you and me. A place for us, a new one. Something with no bad memories attached, a fresh start. Isn’t this what we’re doing?”

At least he’d hoped that was it…

But maybe he’d been wrong. At least Kurt looked at him as if he had lost his mind.

“You’re _kidding_, right? _Now_ you come up with this? Right after we moved back in? What am I supposed to do about this now?”

“Just… maybe we can look around if we find something,” Blaine said, but it was hopeless. He wasn’t getting through.

“I love this place,” Kurt said, glaring at him, “and if you gave it a chance, you would too. We can have our fresh start right here. You just have to be open to it.”

Blaine closed his eyes, sighing. How could he put into words what he was feeling? That he was scared of failing again, that the loft had become so connected to the idea that they couldn’t work together? How could he make Kurt listen?

But strangely, when he looked up again, Kurt wasn’t glaring at him anymore. He still looked upset, but less angry now.

“We both have to make this work, Blaine. Can’t we try?” His voice sounded almost sad.

“I want to try,” Blaine said. “I’m just… scared.”

Kurt’s expression softened. “Don’t be. I’m serious about this. About us. We can make this work. We just have to trust each other and move forward – not hold onto the past. You’ll see. It’s going to be okay.”

Blaine nodded, trying to believe it. This was good though. They were talking. Maybe they could work this out after all.

Kurt extended a hand, and Blaine let himself be pulled to his feet. Kurt smiled at him, with just a hint of uncertainty, and it made him feel calmer. He wasn’t alone in this. Kurt was just as uncertain as he was. If they worked together, they certainly could figure this out – maybe not tonight, but with enough time, they’d make this work.

They would be fine.


	2. Chapter 2

NYU had exceeded all of Blaine’s expectations. He hadn’t even realized just how restricted he’d felt at NYADA with its thousands of unwritten rules, its elites and cliques. He didn’t have Kurt’s or Rachel’s ruthless ambition that helped them navigate that particular shark tank. Of course, he was happy for those two and how happy they were to be back at the school. But at NYU, he felt like he could breathe again. He loved his courses, got along with his professors, and found himself with an ever-widening circle of friends and friends of friends to spend his time with. He would prefer spending most of his time with his husband, but he knew that Kurt needed more space than him, and he was willing to give it.

Besides, he still felt weird coming back to the loft. From time to time he mentioned apartment listings he saw hanging out at NYU, but Kurt never seemed to pay much attention. At least they had more privacy than he’d expected. Rachel’s relationship with Jesse was proving more stable than Kurt had foreseen, and she spent most evenings at his place.

Another upside to keeping friendships with people that didn’t just see him as part of a couple was that it kept him occupied when Kurt was busy. At first, they’d been fine, but after the holidays, Kurt had thrown himself into auditions as well as investing more time at Vogue. If Blaine didn’t know better, he’d thought his husband was avoiding him. But it was clear that Kurt was just frustrated about the lack of callbacks.

So maybe it didn’t exactly help that once again, Blaine stumbled into a leading role mostly by accident. It was just a student-run production, and he hadn’t even planned to audition. His friend Jolene had insisted he went to her audition as moral support, and somehow, she had convinced him to try as well. He didn’t know even one of the songs – and who on earth named a musical Urinetown in the first place? – but he’d brushed up Something’s Coming and gotten cast right on the spot.

His first instinct was to immediately tell Kurt, to share the good news. His next thought was if it was really such a good idea to tell his husband he’d gotten a role without even trying, while Kurt was throwing everything into auditions without seeing results.

He’d tell him eventually, of course. But maybe face-to-face was a better idea.

His next thought was to share it with Sebastian. They talked occasionally, and texted more, but Blaine always felt hesitant to call. There was always the promise of his blank check at the back of his mind.

In the end, he called Cooper. His brother had recently been cast on a sitcom, which surprisingly had made him less obnoxious than before. He answered his phone after three rings and was appropriately happy and supportive. He didn’t even try to bring the conversation around to himself.

“It’s just a student production, but everyone is really invested,” Blaine said, his grin so wide it was almost hurting, “and it will be good to be back on stage.”

“Make sure to let me know when you’re performing,” Cooper replied, and it sounded a lot like pride. “Maybe we can make a trip.”

Blaine blinked, not sure he heard that right. “A trip? To New York?”

“Sure, you wouldn’t want your biggest fan to miss your first college performance, right?” Cooper asked. “Speaking of which, I gotta go, but you two can chat.”

“What?”

There were muffled noises, and a moment later, he could hear a familiar drawl.

“Did I mention your brother is insufferable?”

Blaine laughed, his smile growing even wider. “I could have warned you,” he said. “Hey, Sebastian.”

“Hey, killer. How’s New York?”

“I just got cast in a musical,” Blaine said. “Just a student production, but… it’s a start. I’m really looking forward to it.”

“Congratulations then. Do you know when you’re performing yet?”

His biggest fan… Blaine chuckled, trying to ignore the warmth blossoming in his chest. “Not yet, but I promised Cooper to keep him updated.”

“So, what’s the title?” Sebastian asked.

Blaine blushed. “I have to go,” he blurted out.

Sebastian’s laughter was contagious. “I’ll find out sooner or later,” he said. “But sure. Talk to you soon?”

“Of course. Take care,” Blaine said. He ended the call, unable to stop the fond smile. The day had turned out better than he had expected.

He looked up to see Jolene walking up to him, beaming at him. She looked at the phone in his hand, then the smile on his face.

“Told your husband the good news?” she asked, winking at him.

Blaine felt his cheeks heat up. “Uh… no. I’m telling him in person. That was a… friend.”

She raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment. “You and I have some celebrating to do now, Anderson.”

And celebrate they did. By the time he came back to the loft, he was tipsy enough, and completely happy with the world. He found Kurt sitting at their desk, going over some fashion sketches. He looked up when Blaine came in, and his eyes darted to the clock.

“You’re late,” Kurt said, with a hint of surprise in his voice as if he hadn’t noticed the time going by.

“I was out with Jo,” Blaine explained. “I have good news, by the way. There’s a student group doing a musical, and I got cast as the male lead.”

Kurt’s eyes widened, and a split second later he was smiling. He stood up to pull Blaine into a hug.

“That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!”

Blaine grinned through the soft buzz. It was the reaction he’d hoped for, and he started to feel bad about ever doubting it. Maybe it was all in his head.

“So… what play?”

Blaine groaned.

* * *

There was nothing quite like the nerves of opening night. There was an electricity running through Blaine’s veins, over his skin, making it impossible to sit still. He could see it reflected in some parts of the cast, while others seemed calmer. Jo was making semi-sarcastic comments, though compared to what he was used to from Santana, they seemed almost nice.

Of course, there was no reason to be worried. They had worked hard, and Blaine was completely certain they could pull off a great show. He wasn’t nervous about the performance. But he felt excited to have someone in the audience.

His parents had been hit-and-miss when it came to attending his performances, and of course, Cooper had barely been able to make it to anything. But now, he had a husband waiting for him in the audience. And a roommate, sure, but mostly a husband.

He peeked out through the curtains, but it was impossible to see any individual person. It didn’t matter. It was enough to know Kurt was out there.

The director cleared his throat behind him, and Blaine stepped away from the curtain, joining the rest of the cast for a final pep talk. He was beyond ready.

Showtime.

All in all, it went amazingly. Not flawless, definitely rough around the edges, but it fit the theme of the show. More than anything, it was an indescribable feeling to be back on stage, and in a more professional setting than he was used to, with everyone around him just as enthusiastic and committed as he was. When they stepped out for the final applause, Blaine scanned the audience once more, not surprised not to recognize anybody against the blinding lights but beaming with happiness and pride.

The curtain fell, and he saw his own giddiness reflected in the faces around him. This was what he wanted to do. This felt _right_.

“Can’t wait for the cast party,” Jo mentioned. “Your husband’s coming, right?”

“Duh,” Blaine replied, rolling his eyes at the ridiculous question. He considered hurrying to the dressing room, changing before meeting Kurt, but in the end, he didn’t have the patience. He walked outside, looking around where other cast members were talking to people. He looked around, trying to find Kurt or Rachel, carefully listening if he could catch one of their voices.

His smile started to fade as he looked around, unable to find either of them. Maybe they did expect him to go change and meet them by the dressing room? That had to be it… but unease was starting to gnaw on the happiness. He bit his lip, looking around again. Kurt was here, right? He had to be. Blaine might have downplayed the importance of the play, not wanting to bother Kurt between Vogue deadlines and his frustration about his own auditions, but obviously he knew that opening night mattered.

There was movement, and he turned when he realized someone was coming up to him. He looked up, completely expecting to see his husband.

And clearly, he was having hallucinations, because he knew for a fact that Sebastian was at the other end of the continent right now, definitely not looking him over like it was junior year. The picture just got weirder when Blaine looked up a bit further, just to be met with the toothpaste commercial smile of Cooper.

He was engulfed in his brother’s hug before he had time to process what he was seeing. Over Cooper’s shoulder, he could see Sebastian looking at them, somewhere between a smile and a smirk, and it was… bizarre.

“Nice vocals. I mean, I’d have expected you’re falling-off-a-great-height skills were a bit better, considering how much we practiced that when you were a kid, but still, great work, squirt.”

Sebastian snorted.

“Don’t call me that,” Blaine muttered, as he extracted himself from Cooper’s bear hug.

“I don’t know, considering tonight’s topic…” And now Sebastian was definitely smirking to the point that Blaine considered smacking him. But then he was standing right in front of Sebastian, and he could see his expression soften. “Pretty good show. Killed it.”

Blaine grinned, his cheeks heating up at the compliment, even the allusion to that ridiculous nickname he never quite understood. “Thanks. Just… what are you guys doing here? You said you’d try to catch one of the later shows.”

“We meant to,” Cooper said, “but of course, that was before… The Call.”

And yes, Blaine could hear the capital letters.

Confused, he looked up to Sebastian. The thing was… he hadn’t called. He didn’t even know what he’d call about. He was doing fine, definitely didn’t need saving from anything. So, where did Cooper get the idea? How did Cooper even know about that?

“Not _that_ call,” Sebastian said, rolling his eyes. “He’s going on Colbert this week.”

“_I_ was going to tell him!” Cooper protested, shooting Sebastian a glare as if he’d just stabbed him in the back. “But yes, Trish and I were invited to talk about next season. And since I was flying out anyway, and they let me bring someone, I figured we might catch opening night. I might even give you a shout-out with Stephen! I mean, if we get around to it. We’ll definitely have a lot to discuss about the new season though. There’ll be a lot more character development stuff, we’re even diving into the darker aspects of my past. I’m telling you, credit commercials don’t prepare you for that kind of writing.”

Blaine shot another look to Sebastian, who was mouthing along as if he’d heard this particular speech a million times. When he caught Blaine’s eyes he shrugged.

“Real gritty stuff,” Cooper continued.

“Speaking of gritty, want to introduce us to the rest of the misfits?” Sebastian asked. “Who’s the redhead? She seemed way into you.”

“It’s called acting,” Blaine replied. “We’re actually having a cast party. You guys want to join us?”

“Well, that goes without saying, right?” Cooper asked. “There were some talented people up there. But I think you can manage to get an even better performance out of them. You see, acting comes down to the details. You have to feel them with every fiber of your being.”

“That… sounds fascinating,” Blaine said, “why don’t you tell Sebastian all about it while I get changed?”

Now Sebastian had the stabbed-in-the-back look. “Don’t you dare…” he hissed, but Blaine waved at him with a smile.

“Be back in ten!” he said, waving as he walked off.

He did feel bad about abandoning his friend to Cooper’s speeches, but he had to get changed eventually. In his defense, he tried to hurry up and only washed off the worst of the make-up, before changing into his street clothes. Before coming back, he grabbed his phone, checking to see a missed call, as well as messages, all from Kurt, a few hours ago.

Blaine opened them, and froze.

_I’m SO sorry, we won’t be able to make it. Something came up, it’s _really_ important! I’m sorry! _

_We got tickets for tomorrow, so we’ll see you then._

_Break a leg!!! You’re going to blow them away!_

Blaine stared at the messages, barely able to process them. It felt as if it his former happiness had been sucked out of him. He’d been looking forward to getting Kurt’s opinion, what he thought of the show, to just be proud of him. But something had come up.

It shouldn’t matter. Was it really this important whether Kurt saw him tonight or tomorrow? He could wait for his opinion. And now, he’d know there was someone there for him tomorrow. And he had told Kurt repeatedly that the show wasn’t a big deal.

It hurt.

He tried to put back his show face when he walked outside, mirroring his cast mates’ reactions. When he found his brother again, he was unfortunately engrossed in a discussion with the director. Sebastian was standing a few feet off, staring at the conversation as if he was trapped in some sort of absurdist comedy.

“What’s he doing?” Blaine asked, walking up beside him.

Sebastian shook his head. “Couldn’t tell you if I tried.” He tore his eyes from Cooper, looking over at Blaine. A frown started to form on his face. “What’s going on?”

Blaine shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

Sebastian looked at him skeptically. His eyes darted around for a moment, but he didn’t ask more questions. Blaine wondered just how obvious Kurt’s absence was. Cooper might not even notice, but Sebastian was more perceptive than that.

“You might want to save your director, unless you want to incorporate a lot more pointing into your choreography,” Sebastian said.

Blaine shuddered at the thought. “Looks like it. We should get to the party anyway.”

Sebastian was still watching him. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked, his voice just a tad softer than usual.

Blaine shrugged. He wanted to tell him Kurt wasn’t here, how upset he was about it, but it felt like some sort of betrayal. As aware as he was of that piece of paper hidden away in his nightstand drawer, he knew he couldn’t bring his minor relationship problems to Sebastian of all people. He tried to focus on something positive instead.

“Thanks for coming,” he said. “It really means a lot to me.”

Sebastian’s eyes widened, just for a second, as if the admission surprised him. He covered it quickly under a sardonic smile. “Heads up, you’ll have to repay me when I need an alibi for strangling your brother.”

Blaine looked over to where Cooper had an arm slung over the director’s shoulder, enthusiastically pointing at the ceiling.

He couldn’t help grinning, almost as much as he had before reading those messages. “Deal.”

* * *

It had been an audition. A last minute audition that Jesse had organized via a friend of his who was producing the play. An audition for a lead role, and according to Kurt and Rachel, it had gone phenomenal. Blaine wasn’t quite sure how he should feel about that. Of course, he wanted Kurt to build his own career, and that meant auditions. His husband should take any opportunity he could. So what if that meant he missed opening night? He and Rachel came to the second performance, and they had a private celebration afterwards.

Even if the conversation had been dominated by the fact that Kurt had gotten a callback for his audition already. But hey, that was the more recent news. And Kurt probably wasn’t too happy that Blaine spent the night of that callback sitting beside Sebastian in Colbert’s studio audience, trying to keep a neutral expression at the nonsense coming out of Cooper’s mouth.

Urinetown ended up running for two months – two weeks longer than originally planned, and Blaine couldn’t help but feel proud about it. It was definitely a creative impulse. Opening night was almost forgotten, especially once Kurt actually got the role, so at least it had been worth it.

The long run-time also had the unexpected benefit of his parents actually being able to come and see him perform during a short trip to New York. Blaine felt more nervous than he had opening night, but the performance went well once more.

He’d hoped Kurt would agree to go see the show again, providing company for his parents, but his husband was busy with rehearsals. Blaine had nodded and smiled. He wasn’t quite surprised. There was an awkwardness between Kurt and his parents, and the broken engagement and Blaine’s following depression certainly hadn’t helped ease that tension. And he knew, his parents weren’t as welcoming as Burt and Carol. He just wished they got along better. Or at least tried.

In the end, he was glad to get all of them to the dinner table after the show.

Thank god for his mother, warm and energetic, and completely unable to read a room, as she was chattering about the show, making Blaine blush more than once. His father complimented the show, which Blaine appreciated, even though it was obvious how little he could actually connect to the play.

“Are you doing any plays at the moment too, Kurt?” Pam asked eventually, as a short silence fell over the group.

It had been exactly the right thing to ask. Kurt’s face lit up, a shine of excitement in his eyes, and Blaine felt his heartbeat pick up. He never looked more beautiful than like this, talking about something he happily cared for with all his heart.

“Actually, I just got cast as the lead in a musical production of The Sorrows Of Young Werther,” Kurt said. “Rehearsals have picked up, we’re really getting into it. It’s just a private venue, but the producers have put a lot into the costumes and the music is just amazing.”

“Congratulations!” Blaine’s mom exclaimed. “Isn’t that wonderful? You’re both doing so well already! You have to tell us when you’re playing, maybe we can catch a performance?”

Considering how wide Kurt beamed, Blaine didn’t have the heart to warn him that his mother, like Cooper, was quick with announcements like that, but very bad at following through with them.

“You must be relieved to find something this fast, still in college,” Blaine’s dad said. “Acting is such a competitive, unstable field. I don’t even want to think about how many auditions Cooper went before he got something halfway reliable. I can’t imagine how you boys do it.”

“It’s challenging,” Kurt said with a nod.

“Well, to be fair, Cooper is a bit of a special case,” Blaine’s mom said, shaking her head, laughing. “He’s always had his head in the cloud. I have to say, thank god for Sebastian. At least someone’s keeping him out of trouble.”

Blaine’s face fell, even as he noticed Kurt tense up beside him again. “Sebastian?” he asked, although there was no doubt who they were talking about.

“Cooper’s friend? Don’t you know him as well?” his mom asked. “That boy has a good head on his shoulders. And bless his heart, but we all know Cooper can use someone keeping him out of trouble.”

“He could definitely do worse than being friends with a future lawyer,” his dad said with a sigh. “I’m afraid Blaine here got all of the common sense.”

“Is that so?” Kurt asked, all raised eyebrows and frozen smile.

“Completely, I’m afraid,” Blaine’s mom said, unaware of the tension. “But that’s Cooper. He’s… special. Anyway, Kurt, tell us about Werther. Wouldn’t that be a bit hard to adapt as a musical?”

There was an edge to Kurt’s voice as he spoke, and Blaine nodded along, trying not to think too much about how just the mention of Sebastian’s name seemed to make Kurt feel threatened. More importantly, he tried even harder not to think on why he himself felt on edge. He knew Cooper and Sebastian were friends – sort of – even though it was surprising that his parents knew as well, and apparently seemed to approve of it. It just sucked to have Sebastian referred to as Cooper’s friend, when he had been Blaine’s first.

Once more, he felt on the outside of the conversation. He just didn’t know how he could get back in, or why he felt excluded all of a sudden. He looked up, to find his father’s eyes resting on him. The man seemed to feel just as out of place as Blaine himself. He cast a sideway glance at his wife and son-in-law, then back at Blaine, and he gave just the tiniest of shrugs.

Blaine found himself smiling. He was being silly again. Kurt and his mother bonding was a good thing, as was Kurt getting distracted from the mention of Sebastian. He would not be weird about this.

This was good. This was fine.


	3. Chapter 3

Christmas was supposed to be a time of celebration and serenity. Carol had decorated everything beautifully (even if not quite up to Kurt’s standards), and Burt and Blaine made a game out of sneaking shots of brandy into their eggnog without their respective spouses noticing. This was fine. Blaine was with family. It still was weird to think of his parents off on some cruise, while Cooper was sending pictures of him partying in LA (although Blaine couldn’t help but laugh at the selfie of Cooper downing a shot that had just a glimpse of Sebastian doing a facepalm in the background).

Spending the holidays with Burt and Carol was lovely. It really was. It had been lovely last year as well. Blaine just wished they could spend at least some important dates with his own parents. There had been a distance between him and them for too long, a lot of issues that Blaine understood so much better now. It was time for them to find a better understanding.

At least his relationship to Cooper had improved. They were talking more often, and whether it was that sitcom or another influence, his brother had become a lot more grounded. In the fall, they even had gone to LA to visit Cooper. Kurt had needed a change of scenery to distract himself. Werther had… not gone over well. The tonal difference between music and source material, as well as the director’s unique ideas of bringing the story to life clearly didn’t meet New York’s current taste, no matter how talented the cast was. The reviews had ranged from not good to downright cruel, and the show had been cancelled after a run of only two weeks. Cooper’s offer to visit him had come at exactly the right time. Kurt hadn’t been a fan of the sun, but the parties Cooper had dragged them to were much more to his taste. At one party, there’d been several model friends of Cooper, and Kurt had gotten along with them so well, that Blaine almost felt jealous.

Mostly, he tried to pretend he wasn’t bothered by Sebastian’s absence. He’d gotten the impression that Cooper and Sebastian had become really close, so he had expected to see more of him. Maybe he was staying away because of Kurt. Still, Blaine couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

He missed Cooper. It would be nice to call him, chat about how he was doing in LA. Christmas was for family, and that included his brother. Perfectly legitimate. Or maybe he just hoped Cooper would get bored after a minute and give the phone to Sebastian, who’d continue to give a detailed, sarcastic rundown of exactly what kind of insanity Cooper was getting up to now. It sounded amusing. It wold be too dangerous.

Instead, Blaine put on a smile and pretended not to be bothered by the way Kurt and Rachel were putting their heads together, once more conspiring about a thing or another.

“You look like you could use another one,” Burt said, sitting down on the couch beside him and offering another glass of eggnog. A discrete wink told Blaine it was spiked.

“What are these two going on about?” Burt asked, nodding towards Kurt and Rachel.

“I… honestly have no idea,” Blaine said, trying to keep the bitterness out of his voice. From the way Burt glanced at him, it didn’t quite work. “Something about Jesse and connections. Who knows?”

“Everything alright?”

Blaine sighed. “It’s just… they’re really close. And I’m glad they are, but… it sometimes feels like they’re married, and I’m their roommate.” It had been over a year, and they were still living in the loft, Rachel with them. Nominally, at least. Blaine found himself ridiculously grateful for the existance of Jesse St. James and the fact that Rachel spent more than half her time with him, to the point that he really didn’t understand why she couldn’t just do _everyone_ the favor of finally moving in with him.

Burt looked at him skeptically. “Rachel is still living with you?”

Blaine sighed. “Mostly,” he said. “It’s getting a bit crowded, to be honest. I thought we’d find something else at some point. Maybe something with… you know, _walls_. But we’re barely making ends meet as it is, so I guess it takes a bit more time until we manage to move out. It’s just not affordable right now. Besides, Kurt loves that place. I’m not sure he’d want to move out even if we could afford it.”

Burt frowned at him, but didn’t comment immediately. Blaine took another sip of his spiked eggnog. The truth was, they hadn’t talked about moving out in months. Every time it was brought up, they ended up fighting about it. Blaine wondered if they’d ever move out, or if Kurt’s love for the place would eventually beat him down into accepting it. He _was_ getting used to the place, in a way. They’d lived there long enough now that his initial dread had faded. There were good memories connected to the place, too, and the bad ones – the ones of failure, and fighting, and not being good enough – were starting to fade. It didn’t change the fact that Blaine didn’t feel comfortable living there, and that he wished they had some more privacy as a couple.

Then again, maybe Rachel as a buffer between them wasn’t the worst thing?

“The important thing is that you keep talking to each other,” Burt said. “Even if you disagree on something.”

Blaine looked up, raising an eyebrow.

“If you don’t feel comfortable at his place, don’t just pretend everything’s fine. Look, I know my kid. He can be stubborn if he wants something. But… you’re allowed to want things too. And if this is important to you, you have to _make_ him see.”

Blaine opened his mouth, the explanation at the tip of his tongue, that he tried before, but it wasn’t easy making Kurt listen when he’d already made up his mind about something. Maybe Burt had that kind of influence, but Blaine… he just didn’t. Just how was he supposed to explain that to Kurt’s father, though?

“I’ll try,” he said eventually. “I’ll try.”

Burt looked at him, as if he was going to say something else. Instead, he sighed and drank from his own spiked eggnog.

It was good advice, Blaine had to admit. He just had to figure out how to follow it. It shouldn’t be that hard. A new year’s resolution. It should be fine.

* * *

Maybe Rachel had somehow heard him, maybe she’d read his mind. More likely, it was just inevitable. But only a few days after returning to New York, she sat the both of them down over a slightly burnt vegan dinner, to give them the grave news that she was moving in with Jesse.

Finally.

Packing up her things hadn’t taken too long, and before Blaine knew it, they were alone. He had ideas on how to celebrate it, but Kurt balked at the idea of stains on the couch, and so the actual celebration ended up a bit tamer than originally planned.

Still good enough, and there were still so many advantages. No more fighting over who could do their vocal warm-up first, no more long hairs in the shower drain, no more “Quiet, Rachel can hear us”, no more dubious vegan meals that could have been fine without strange meat substitutes and if someone a bit more capable had cooked them. And while there weren’t quite as many make-out sessions as Blaine had expected, things did pick up quite a bit in that department. For a week or two, it was bliss.

He should have known something would happen.

It started with Brandon, another friend from NYU, who was going to help with the costumes for a production of Les Mis, meant to collect donations for charity. Apparently, their Marius had to cancel over a less than amicable break-up with the show’s producer, and there were some last-minute auditions. Last minute as in an hour later.

Good thing he lived with Rachel long enough to almost know the whole show by heart, much less Empty Chairs At Empty Tables. Another good thing was that they went alphabetically, and he got to audition first, basically right as Brandon dragged him through the door. He figured he wasn’t the only person who thought about auditioning with Marius’ solo, but as the first he hoped to make a sufficient impression. It felt like two heart beats that the audition was over, and while there was the usual “we’ll call you,” he thought it went pretty well.

When he left the room, Brandon showing him a thumbs-up, and the next contestant walking in, he felt confident about the audition.

He hadn’t expected Kurt and Rachel waiting outside. They weren’t looking at him at first, Rachel almost buzzing off her seat in excitement, and Kurt looking at his clenched fist as if he was about to get sick. Rachel was saying something to him, an encouraging smile on her face, as from the inside he could hear what he could have sworn was Empty Chairs At Empty Tables. She happened to look up and saw him.

“Blaine?”

“Hey Rachel,” he said, coming closer. “Kurt? What are you guys doing here?”

Kurt looked up, surprised to see him, but a smile grew on his face. “We’re here for the audition,” he said, as if it was obvious. “How did you know? Wait… Rachel?”

She looked between them. “I… didn’t say anything,” she said, clearly confused.

Blaine frowned, for a moment not sure what was going on, then his eyes widened. “Wait… you’re here to audition?” he asked.

Kurt nodded – and stopped. “_You’re_ here to audition?” he asked, the smile gone and replaced by a frown.

“Brandon’s working costumes, he told me about Marius,” Blaine said, trying not to sound too sheepish.

“Rachel told me,” Kurt said, “she’s playing Fantine.”

The door opened and someone called for “Lionel Davies”, and another guy walked inside. At the back of his mind Blaine noted that this contestant had been in there shorter than he himself.

“Why are you auditioning? You don’t care much about Les Mis,” Kurt said, an accusing note in his voice.

“I just heard about it, and it sounded like a good opportunity,” Blaine said. “Besides, it’s not like I hate it. You don’t need a meaningful connection to any role.”

That was definitely Empty Chairs At Empty Tables again. Maybe he should have taken a different song?

Kurt’s frown went deeper. “Maybe _you_ don’t,” he said.

“We had a diva off once,” Rachel said, “on Bring Him Home. I think it really helped with our friendship as competitors at NYADA.”

“That’s a Valjean song, though,” Blaine said.

“Well, they don’t need a Valjean. The point is, there’s a connection,” Kurt said.

The next person was called in, and only a few moments later, hints of Empty Chairs At Empty Tables were coming out of the auditorium. _Again_. Badly. It took only a few moments until another person was called in instead. So far, it seemed Blaine had been the only one to finish the song. That had to be a good sign.

Although, looking at the cold expression that settled on his husband’s face, maybe not so good after all.

“Let’s not worry about it now,” Blaine said, trying to ease the tension. “I mean, just focus on your audition, go and blow them away.”

“Don’t condescend to me,” Kurt snapped.

“I wasn’t,” Blaine protested. But before he could explain himself any better, Kurt was called in.

“I really didn’t know,” Blaine said to Rachel, hoping he could at least make her listen. “I wouldn’t have come if I had known Kurt wants the role. It was just a spontaneous thing.”

He remembered how tense things had been after Artie had insisted on him taking the Tony role. He had been ridiculously insecure until Kurt had surprised him with flowers, congratulating him. It had been okay back then, of course his then boyfriend had been happy for him, but at first it had been a blow. The memory still made him cringe a bit. Kurt had pushed for West Side Story specifically to get into NYADA, and to lose that – to his boyfriend of all people – had been almost cruel, and while they’d been okay afterwards, Blaine wondered now if it hadn’t been a smarter decision to just step back. Then again, he’d been desperate for some recognition outside of Kurt, especially after New Directions’ welcome had been less than warm.

“Everyone came here spontaneously,” Rachel said, although there was a bit of concern in her voice. “Basically, everyone here was brought by a cast or crew member. I thought of you as well, you would be a great Marius, but I mentioned it to Kurt first. You know how hard it’s been for him, and with graduation coming up, he’s starting to get worried about what he’s going to do next. He really needs something like this. Otherwise I absolutely would have told you about this.”

Blaine looked at her in surprise, and a bit touched. Was Rachel honestly apologizing for inviting Kurt instead of him to the audition?

From inside the auditorium, he could hear notes that were definitely not Empty Chairs At Empty Tables. His eyes widened as he looked at Rachel.

“Is that…?”

“I Dreamed A Dream,” Rachel said, and he could see his own disbelief mirrored in her expression. “We _talked_ about this…”

When the next person was called in, Blaine noted that at least they had let him finish. That could be a good sign, maybe they’d been impressed. Or maybe they’d just been flabbergasted.

Kurt was walking out, his head held high and a confident expression on his face. Blaine felt a bit of tension drain, and his breathing got easier. It must have gone at least kind of well.

“How did it go?” he asked.

Kurt raised an eyebrow, a silent warning of something Blaine didn’t quite understand. “We’ll see when they call, won’t we?”

“I dreamed a dream, though?” Rachel asked. “Don’t you think that’s a bit risky?”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “_Everyone_ can do Empty Chairs At Empty Tables,” he said.

Blaine almost bit his tongue in his attempt to hold back his response. It was probably not meant as a dig at him. It just felt like one.

“Besides, it’s always better to stand out in auditions like this,” Kurt said. He started walking off, and Blaine found himself as well as Rachel following.

“I don’t know,” Rachel said. “I mean, you _did_ stand out in your audition for West Side Story, and that didn’t go too well.”

Blaine shot her an annoyed look – did she _have_ to remind Kurt of that? Though given the situation, it couldn’t be far from his mind anyway.

“Yeah, well, maybe Artie wasn’t as good at directing as he thought,” Kurt said.

“I thought you weren’t bitter about that,” Blaine said, tired of holding his tongue.

He could see Kurt turning to him, could just see the slightly hurt expression on his face – and he didn’t care.

“They’ll make a decision either way,” he said, without turning around. “If it’s you, or me, or someone else. No point in discussing it now.”

He could feel Kurt’s eyes on him, but didn’t have it in him to turn around and see just what he’d see in his husband’s face. Certainly surprise, this wasn’t quite a characteristic reaction. But he hadn’t done anything wrong. All he’d done was to go to an audition for a role he thought interesting. He hadn’t meant to step into direct competition with Kurt. But wasn’t that something that would keep happening? They would inevitably be competing for some parts. Blaine didn’t exactly like it, but that was a reality of their chosen careers.

If they couldn’t learn to live with that, what chance did they have?

His step faltered, as he suddenly felt transported back in time, to the stage at McKinley when he had pondered whether it was worth risking the one person who loved him for the chance of impressing those who ignored him so far, and then a bit closer, to the grounds of Dalton Academy, and the question how they could make a marriage work when he just knew they’d fall back into old patterns, but this time nobody would be here to pull him back from the edge…

He turned to see Kurt’s face, surprisingly vulnerable, hurt, but concerned.

With a cold sinking feeling, Blaine realized that this wasn’t him. Of course, he had every right to audition for the same parts, but he knew how hard Kurt was struggling right now, and he knew this had to drag up memories from West Side Stories. He hadn’t done anything wrong, of course. But maybe he could have done something… better? They were in this together. If he wasn’t willing to compromise, he might as well go back home now, make the call, save them further pain.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted this part,” Blaine said, his voice soft and regretful.

Kurt frowned at him, but he softened, casting down his eyes. “I’m sorry, too. Of course, you can audition for any part. I just didn’t expect to see you there.”

Blaine smiled softly, reaching out for his hand. Kurt took it.

“I guess we’ll really have to wait and see,” he said.

Blaine nodded, relieved that the fight seemed averted. This was good. Communication. They could definitely do this.

And they were fine. They _were_. The next days went fine. There was no fighting, they just didn’t talk to each other about the audition. Maybe they both were a bit more careful, maybe the avoidance of the subject was just a bit too obvious.

Blaine still noticed how close Kurt kept his phone, how he looked more tired than usual, a bit sharper around the eyes. He noticed how nervous he got whenever there was a notification on his own phone. Every time before he looked, he wasn’t sure if he was more scared of getting a yes, or a no. Each time, it had nothing to do with the play, and that might be the worst of all.

Was it really worth it? One role that he only found out about by accident?

And he knew, if he got cast, Kurt would be disappointed but get over it. He had done so before. Maybe he’d need a moment for it, maybe a day or two, but in the end, his husband would support him. But it would hurt, and it would gnaw away at him, one little chip in his armor, a slow erosion, and over time…

It wasn’t worth it. Not really, not for one role he hadn’t known about a week before and probably wouldn’t be able to remember a few years down the line.

It was almost a week later when they met for coffee before class that Rachel told them a Marius was cast. Blaine could feel Kurt shooting him a look, upset, almost betrayed.

“No, not Blaine,” Rachel said, rolling her eyes. “His name is Jason, he went in after you. But he has solid chemistry with our Cosette, so I think it will work out.”

Kurt nodded, trying but failing to hide his disappointment. Blaine wasn’t sure how to feel. He had hoped they would give Kurt a chance, but he hadn’t honestly believed in it. Of course, Kurt was talented, and he definitely could have portrayed Marius well. He just really didn’t do himself a favor with his choice of audition song.

Kurt excused himself after a moment, maybe to collect himself. Blaine sighed, looking after him. He wished he could make it better, but knew that only time would.

“So, Blaine Warbler…”

He looked up at Rachel’s use of the nickname, not sure what to expect now. That name usually came up when she had a bone to pick with him. The expression on her face confirmed that suspicion.

“Funny thing, I talked to the director about the casting. And they mentioned, Jason wasn’t exactly their favorite. That would be someone else. Someone who had his stagehand friend pass on the message that he wouldn’t be able to do the show after all. Care to elaborate?”

Blaine’s eyes widened, and he looked back to the restroom doors, making sure Kurt hadn’t come back into earshot.

“Don’t worry, I do know better than tell Kurt about this,” Rachel said. “So it’s true? You pulled out?”

Blaine sighed. “It’s… look, it wasn’t as important to me as it was to him.”

“He would have gotten over it,” Rachel said.

“I know that. But… he shouldn’t have to,” Blaine said. “You said it yourself, the whole Werther thing has been really hard on him, and I can see how worried he is. I just… I didn’t want to be another thing that made him feel bad, or not good enough.”

Rachel frowned, although her expression softened. “Blaine… you’ll get into conflict about roles sooner or later. Shouldn’t you both be able to let it go and just be happy for each other?”

“Of course,” Blaine said, “and I know he would do that. I just wish it wasn’t necessary. And if this role would just have ended up making him feel bad… then maybe it’s better in the long run not to go for it.”

“I’m just saying, you’re both performers. It’s hard for all of us to make it. But you can’t hinder yourself by tailoring your career and prospects around someone else,” Rachel said.

“That’s kind of what marriage is, tough – tailoring your life around someone else,” Blaine said.

Rachel opened her mouth as if she was about to protest, but at that point Kurt returned to the main room, his smile just a bit too raw, and she dropped whatever she was about to say.

The conversation turned to less complicated issues, and by the time they left, it almost felt not awkward.

* * *

Blaine had expected this year’s thanksgiving to be more of the same. And there was nothing wrong with that. He liked spending time with Burt and Carole, and enjoyed the Hummel traditions. But this year turned out to be different. Within a week, they had gotten calls from both Carol and his mom, the former announcing that she and Burt were going on a cruise for thanksgiving, the latter inviting them to Thanksgiving at the Andersons’, mostly at the insistence of Cooper, who wanted to have a big family celebration in preparation for his character’s arc in the next season of his sitcom.

Kurt had been surprisingly happy about the idea, admitting he wanted to pick Cooper’s brain. Blaine had mentioned they could just go visit Cooper more often, but Kurt had declined, citing LA’s climate as not agreeing with him. Strangely enough, there hadn’t been any complaints during their last trip, not until at one of their last days there, Sebastian had joined them for brunch, all tan skin and long limbs, smirks and banter.

Cooper had turned up mid-afternoon on Thanksgiving itself, and Blaine had barely gotten a moment to talk to him before his brother had been immersed in family. His mother, despite a certain bemused view on her son, would always get dragged into his charm, and at least his paternal grandparents were as always completely smitten with him. Only Nonna, his maternal grandmother, seemed as unimpressed as usual both with her oldest grandson and the martini she kept sipping.

Still, Blaine wasn’t sure how okay he was with how impressed Kurt seemed to be by his brother. His husband seemed glued to Cooper’s lips as he was talking about the supposed depths his character arc for a damn sitcom supposedly had. Despite the addition of a husband, it seemed too much like he was back in his childhood. Despite the full house, Blaine was alone – once more, the eye of the storm.

Shaking his head, Blaine decided to leave them to it. When Cooper got like this, the easiest way was to just let him talk and wait until he ran out of steam. But considering how attentive Kurt was listening, that could take quite a while.

Over the murmur of conversation, the doorbell was almost inaudible to the point that Blaine wasn’t even sure he had actually heard it. But there it was again.

He frowned, wondering who of his family was missing, but he couldn’t think of anyone. Confused, he walked to the front door. Nobody else seemed to have noticed. He opened the door, not sure who to expect.

It was Sebastian.

Blaine stared at him, not sure if he could believe his eyes. It had been months since he’d seen Sebastian, his hair once more a bit too long, wrapped into a black coat and a dark red scarf. His eyes, usually so sharp and bright, seemed dull, tired. The hints of annoyance on his face faded once he saw Blaine, a little half-smile replacing it.

“Hey,” Sebastian said, and even his voice sounded tired.

“H-hey,” Blaine replied, remembering his manners enough to step back and let him in. “I… didn’t expect you here.”

Sebastian shrugged. “I’ve got some… family business to take care of,” he said. “Cooper invited me to stay here. Didn’t he mention it?”

“I don’t think so,” Blaine said. He hadn’t completely listened to his brother, but Kurt definitely had, and there was no way he wouldn’t have reacted to that. “But… not that I’m complaining, but if you have family business, why not stay with them?”

“My grandfather is dying,” Sebastian said with a sigh. “Basically, everyone has come back to Ohio to see him before the end.”

“I’m so sorry,” Blaine said, involuntarily putting a hand on his arm. “Were you close?”

Something flickered over Sebastian’s face, before he shrugged. “Close enough that I don’t feel comfortable staying at my dad’s place. His brothers are there, and two of my cousins. They’re basically squabbling about the inheritance already.” He sighed, looking around. “Plus, Cooper can make a pretty good case, even if you only agree in the end so he stops talking. I didn’t expect it to be this busy here, though…”

“Do you need a moment for yourself?” Blaine asked. He knew how chaotic his family’s household could be and had felt swept away from it on more than one occasion when he hardly could hold himself together.

Sebastian hesitated, and for a moment he looked actually insecure, uncertain. The expression looked wrong on him, and Blaine felt something catch in his throat.

“Come on,” he said, taking Sebastian’s hand, and he started walking. When things were too much there were two places where he could manage to calm down. He was pretty sure that Sebastian wouldn’t find much comfort in the gym. The piano room, though, would probably be more up his alley.

It was quiet upstairs, his family mostly staying in the living and dining room, mingling. By common agreement, the piano room was Blaine’s, even more than his actual bedroom. It looked just as Blaine had left it the last time he had been in Ohio. He let his hand rest on the wood of the piano as a silent greeting before he turned around.

Sebastian looked around, raising an eyebrow, and the worst of the exhaustion had given way to a small sardonic smile.

”Is this where you hid away as a teenager?” he asked. “Let me guess, you wrote silly love songs and everything?”

“Not just love songs,” Blaine replied. “But yeah, pretty much. It’s quiet, though. If you need a moment, this is perfect. It’s mine, basically. Cooper never comes in here.”

“Now that sounds perfect,” Sebastian muttered.

“Oh, shut up, you love him,” Blaine said, grinning at him.

Sebastian rolled his eyes but couldn’t help the fond expression on his face. “He grows on you,” he admitted. “Then again, so does athlete’s foot…”

Blaine chuckled. “People have always swarmed to Cooper. I think you’re the first person where it’s the other way.”

“It’s like cats,” Sebastian said, “or kids. All those people fawning about them are boring. They’re interested in those who want to keep them far away.”

It made surprisingly much sense, Blaine had to admit.

They were silent for a bit, and it was surprisingly comfortable. Still, Blaine wondered if they should talk about Sebastian’s situation, if that could help relax or at least distract him.

“So… your grandfather…?” he started.

“You don’t want to listen to that,” Sebastian said dismissively.

It didn’t seem completely earnest though, and Blaine felt obligated to dig.

“I do want to hear it,” he said, meeting his friend’s eyes.

Sebastian hesitated a moment, but then he sighed, and nodded. “Fine, I’ll talk. But you have to play.”

Blaine considered it for a moment. It seemed fair. he sat down on the piano stool, and his fingers started flowing over the keys. He hadn’t expected Sebastian to start talking immediately, but he was almost through the first song before he spoke.

“We used to live close to him when we were kids,” Sebastian said. “Well, I was a kid. Colette was a teenager. He doted on her. Golden child, she couldn’t do any wrong. To me, he was always a moment away from a thunderstorm. But he was never cruel, just a bit temperamental. He just never suffered fools gladly.”

“A family trait,” Blaine suggested, as he started another song.

Sebastian chuckled. “Flattery?”

“Of course you’d take it that way,” Blaine replied.

Sebastian grinned, and some of the warmth and usually energy had returned. “Debussy?” he asked, nodding towards the piano.

“It’s French, isn’t it?” Blaine said with a shrug.

The smile on Sebastian’s face changed, faded a little, a sad twinge sneaking in.

“I think he was the only person in my family who was okay with me,” he said. “When I was fifteen, I got kind of caught in the act with a guy from my lacrosse team. People lost their mind.” He hesitated, not sure if he should continue.

Blaine stopped playing, and turned right to him, intent to listen. It was probably the wrong thing to do, as Sebastian started frowning.

“I’ll talk if you play,” he said.

Confused, Blaine turned back to the piano. Not sure where to start, his hands almost automatically went to For Elise as an easy standard. Eventually, Sebastian continued talking.

“So, I got caught with Maurice. My dad… he was furious. He thought I was just doing it to piss him off. Colette, too, she thought I just wanted attention.”

“That’s awful,” Blaine said, not daring to look up from the keys in case Sebastian would stop again. It was obvious from the halting way he was talking that he didn’t often share this story, if at all. Blaine wasn’t quite sure how he deserved this level of trust, but he was determined not to disappoint.

Sebastian snorted at his protest. “They were completely right,” he said. “The problem is… I realized it was real, and neither Dad nor Colette took it seriously. Maman didn’t care. I thought that was a good thing at first. But then I realized she was just in favor of everything that would piss Dad off. Her parents… well, they didn’t kick me out, but that was all. But Grandpa…” Another chuckle. “He told me he couldn’t give less of a damn if I bring home a guy, or a girl, or the fucking Eiffel Tower, I should just please try to have at least a little more common sense than any of his sons. Let’s say he isn’t a fan of either of his daughters-in-law.”

The song ended, and Blaine looked up at him. Sebastian seemed self-conscious, a little insecure. He clearly wasn’t used to this level of openness.

“Your grandpa sounds amazing,” Blaine said.

Sebastian shot him a short smile. “He’d like you,” he said, the statement heavier than either of them would have expected. “I’ll miss him.”

He rarely looked vulnerable like this, and Blaine could feel the pull on his heartstrings. It was such a difference from the way he usually saw Sebastian, so self-assured, and collected, his self-confidence filling up the room with ease. He wished he could help restore it, but he didn’t know how. He hesitated, before he started playing again, a slow, acoustic arrangement he had written in senior year.

It took Sebastian a moment until he recognized the melody.

“Dark Side,” he muttered, and then, he sat down on the piano bench, back to the keys. He was humming at first, but after a few moments, they sang together. It worked differently than it had at Dalton, with the piano music, and just the two of them, but it felt warm, familiar.

The last notes waved through the room, and Blaine felt… content. Home. It felt as if this had worked, as if they had connected without speaking, as if some of Sebastian’s confidence had returned.

“Isn’t that sweet?”

Blaine flinched when he recognized his nonna’s voice. He turned to find her standing in the door of the piano room. She was about the only person who came in here, never caring much for anything restricting her freedom of movement.

“And who’s that one?” the old lady asked as he stepped inside.

“This is Sebastian,” Blaine answered, “Cooper invited him.”

“Oh, I’ve heard everything about him,” Nonna said, rolling her eyes, “really, the way Pamela talks about him you’d think she’s going for a second son-in-law.”

Sebastian shuddered, and Blaine wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or object.

“Though since we’re on the topic, you might want to get back downstairs, young men. I think the dinner will be out soon, and if you don’t hurry, your husband looks like he’s about to kidnap or elope with your brother. And you know how Cooper is about people paying him attention – he might go for it.”

Sebastian snorted. “Now tell me they’re moving to Florida and my life is saved.”

Nonna chuckled. “At least this one’s funny.”

Blaine bowed his head, not sure what to make of their interaction. But he wouldn’t be surprised if his nonna took a liking to Sebastian. They shared the same dry acerbic wit. He could only pray they’d never team up with Santana. The world might never recover.

Still, he looked to the piano with a sigh. They couldn’t afford to put one into the loft, and now that he’d actually had the keys under his fingers again, it felt weird to let go again.

His grandma sighed and rolled her eyes. “One song, Blaine Devon Anderson. That’s it.”

He looked up at Sebastian, trying to judge his expression. He found his friend staring at his nonna with fascination. For a moment, he considered what to play – not too long, it wouldn’t be smart to try her patience.

With a smile, he made his decision. He started playing, and he could see the moment Sebastian recognized the song. A Thousand Miles, which he learned to play by heart ages ago was still almost as easy as the classical pieces he learned first. By the second verse, he wasn’t surprised to find Sebastian joining him. Once again, their voices started to harmonize with no need to practice. From the corner of his eyes he noticed that even his nonna had momentarily discarded her usually scornful expression, just the tiniest hint of a smile suggesting she enjoyed their impromptu performance

The song ended, and Blaine felt… happy. He looked up to Sebastian, who at least seemed more peaceful than earlier. He couldn’t help but smile, found the expression mirrored in his friend’s face.

“We never sang a duet before,” Blaine said before even thinking of it.

Sebastian looked at him with a bemused look, before shaking his head. “Some day I’d really like to know how your mind works,” he said, his voice softer than his words.

Blaine shrugged. “I’m not that complicated,” he said.

“Compared to your brother, you’re a Rubik’s Cube,” Nonna said. “But only then. Are you done now?”

Blaine nodded. Sebastian rose from the piano bench, giving him a hand to pull him up. He was about to thank him, when he noticed voices coming down the corridor. He could definitely hear Cooper.

“You don’t understand, I’m not supposed to come here. It’s Blaine’s space. Let’s just wait till Nonna brings him back.”

Kurt’s voice was the one that answered. “Don’t be ridiculous, we’re married. We share spaces.”

Nonna rolled her eyes, and Blaine could see an almost identical expression on Sebastian’s face. A moment later, Kurt stepped inside the room. He smiled at Blaine, barely noticed Nonna – and froze, once his eyes fell to Sebastian.

“What is_ he_ doing here?” he asked, his voice bordering on shrill.

Blaine closed his eyes. This again. Of course, this again. It didn’t matter that Sebastian hadn’t really flirted with him in years, or that he had become one of Cooper’s closest friends. To Kurt, he’d always be the guy trying to steal his boyfriend.

In a cold flash, he wondered just how Kurt would feel if he knew about the piece of paper in Blaine’s nightstand drawer, about the number or the promise of insurance connected to it. As much as he tried to keep the guilt out of his face, he could see that Kurt noticed at least something, his posture stiffening.

Blaine hated confrontations in general, but this right now was the worst time for a fight between these two.

Sebastian was coping with the loss of what sounded like one of the few positive role models his family had provided, he was vulnerable and would go onto the defensive fast. He wasn’t sure who’d come out of a verbal duel as a winner, but he knew it would be savage. There had to be a way to stop this.

“You know Seb, don’t you?” Cooper said, smiling widely as if he didn’t even notice the tension in the room. “He’s like my best friend, possibly future roommate. I invited him.”

Kurt turned to Cooper, and Blaine felt the tension break. His husband had never been able to resist Cooper’s charm. Somehow, his brother had saved the moment without even realizing it.

“Anyway, we should go downstairs,” Cooper continued. “Mom refuses to serve dinner until you show up, and you’ve honestly kept us waiting long enough.”

Blaine smiled, but he wasn’t sure he could keep out all the tension. “Sounds good,” he said.

Cooper put an arm around Sebastian and started chattering about one thing or another as he led him out of the room. Kurt followed, glaring at the back of Sebastian’s head. As he walked to follow his husband, Blaine passed his nonna. She stayed behind, giving him a look that was scarily close to pity.

Blaine sighed. The holidays would be _long_.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, apparently I can't plan fics even when I plan them, cause in the middle I suddenly think of scenes that need to be inserted, and the ones I plan take so much longer than I thought. So the meat of what I planned for this chapter got pushed into chapter 5, which fits cause what was originally in chapter 5 had been pushed a chapter further anyway, and maybe planning just isn't my strong suit.  
Anyways, this chapter. The second half was hard to write. I didn't actually get anywhere until I wrote a draft of the conversation from Kurt's perspective, and then I understood just what was going on. Once I had that, it was super fast.  
Let's see how it turned out. Also, next chapter will have way more Sebastian.

* * *

Blaine only realized how badly his hands were shaken as he tried typing in the digits to Sebastian’s number. It took him about three attempts until all of them were correct, and only then did he realize how much easier it would have been to just select the contact. It felt as if his brain had short-circuited, and the rest of his body was left to drift

He couldn’t have said later just how long it took until there was an answer. Long enough for him to almost end the call, pretend he’d never dialed, pretend this whole evening hadn’t happened. The metal of the fire escape stairs dug against his skin, the night air surprisingly cold for March. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew he should have gotten a coat before going out here. Why hadn’t he thought of that? How did he get himself even into his situation?

And then, finally, like a life raft on open sea, Sebastian’s voice.

“This better be good, killer, or your brother might shoot me for walking out on his announcement.”

Blaine stared into the New York sky, and he didn’t know what to say. From Sebastian’s end, he could hear background noises. Sebastian was busy, he clearly had better things to do than to answer a call – The Call? He didn’t know. He just knew he had to say something, get out actual words, not just ragged breathing.

“Blaine? Are you okay?”

He hated this question, never knew just how open to be. But this time, the answer came over his lips without hesitation.

“No.”

A moment of silence, then… “Where are you? Are you safe?”

“I’m safe. I’m… at the loft.” Not home. This place hadn’t felt less like home in a long time.

“Are you hurt?” Sebastian continued.

“I’m…” Fine? Certainly not… “I’m not.”

“Okay,” Sebastian said, and there was a hint of relief. “What happened?”

“Um… I just… someone just tried to… proposition me? For a role?”

For a moment, there was silence. “Someone offered you a role if you sleep with them?” he asked for clarification.

“No, not quite,” Blaine said.

“Okay, you’ll have to give me a bit more than that,” Sebastian said. “Take your time.”

Blaine nodded, although he knew it wouldn’t be seen. He closed his eyes, trying to gather his thoughts long enough to speak.

“So… they’re doing this show. Jesse knows a guy who knows this lady, Jackie, who’s producing it. It’s a reimagination of Dorian Gray,” he said. “We met them at one of Jesse’s parties. The producer has this friend, Glenn, who’s mostly financing it. He… um… was kind of into me. Asked if I wanted the role. He could make that happen. You know.”

“If you sleep with him,” Sebastian finished.

“I… think so. He didn’t get too explicit then. It doesn’t matter, I’m not even right for part. It’s not quite in my range. I honestly didn’t even want the role. Kurt, on the other hand… Well, he really, _really _wanted it. He’s been looking for something like that since the whole Werther debacle. Maybe even longer. Jackie invited him to audition, and it went really well. He actually has a callback tonight.”

“Okay…? So… where does the propositioning come in?” Sebastian asked.

“That would also be tonight,” Blaine said. “So, I was having dinner when Glenn showed up. He told me that with the amount of money he puts into the play, he can basically dictate who gets what part. And that I might be able to swing his opinion into Kurt’s favor. You know, by… being _nice_ to him.”

“Being nice,” Sebastian replied, his laced with sarcasm. “The least he could do was not to beat around the bush…”

“Yeah, well, I heard enough euphemism tonight to last me the rest of my life,” Blaine said. “But he told me I could get Kurt the part right there, all I had to do was, um… lie back and think of England? Well, bend over and think of England, but… you get the picture.”

“And you told him to go to Hell, right?”

He couldn’t suppress a humorless chuckle. “I did,” he said. “But… that might have made it worse.”

Silence, and suddenly, Blaine could picture a million things Sebastian might imagine right now, each worse than the last one, and certainly worse than what actually happened, so he hurried to continue.

“He didn’t lay a hand on me. But, well, he was… posturing. I think I could punch him if need be, but… well, I’d rather not. The thing is… he told me again, he can basically pick and choose. And unless I start being more… reasonable, he’ll make sure Kurt won’t get cast. So, I asked if he was trying to blackmail me, and… well… yes. That’s exactly what he was doing. Said I have time to think it through till Saturday, but if I don’t show him some… consideration then, Kurt can forget not only this role but ever being cast by that production firm.”

“So, about that him going to hell thing…?”

“I kicked him out,” Blaine said, and saying those words calmed him down a little. “And now I’m freaking out. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“What…? Nothing. You did everything you have to. You kicked him out, end of discussion.”

Blaine said. If it was this easy… “He’s expecting an answer Saturday,” he said.

“And you already gave it to him today, so where’s the problem?” Sebastian replied.

It did sound easy when he said it like that. It should be easy like this. On a rational level, Blaine knew he should just put this aside, forget the offer as the insult it was, and not think about it again. In the moment, it actually had been that easy. But now…

“You’re not actually thinking about doing it, are you?” Sebastian asked.

“I don’t know,” Blaine said. “It’s just… Can I do this to him?”

“Do what to who? To Kurt? You do know you wouldn’t do anything to him, right? If anything, that creep would be doing something to him. You just refuse to whore yourself out for his career. You think that would be a problem for him?”

Blaine shook his head, trying to dispel the sinking feeling he’d gotten at the harsh words. “I just… he’s been struggling so hard. Can I actually risk something that would basically blacklist him with a production firm?”

“Can you actually go through with fucking some creep just so he can get cast in a dumb role?” Sebastian retorted.

Again, the words were too harsh, or maybe just harsh enough, piercing through the haze that had formed inside Blaine’s mind. Put like that… No. He couldn’t. How could he even think of that?

But Sebastian wasn’t done. “And how do you think this would go over? Hi, husband, what do you think about me fucking someone else so you can finally get any semblance of a career? Not to mention that’s kind of implying he can’t get a role on his own… Which, I can see it, but he’d probably think it’s kind of insulting…”

“I couldn’t ask him that,” Blaine admitted.

“Or make it even worse: Hi husband, that role you just got? Well, you got it by me fucking this creep. Hope it’s not a big deal.” Sebastian snorted, and Blaine had to admit the scenario could have some semblance of dark humor, if it didn’t hit so close to home.

“What if…” He stopped. They could stop the conversation right here, really. The important things had been said. And even if he still felt uneasy, he knew he couldn’t actually do this. Kurt wouldn’t want him to do it, and possibly might never forgive him if he did it. But…

“What if I didn’t tell him?”

He could almost hear the eye-rolling on the other end. “Then he just won’t get cast. But honestly, you should tell him – if only so he stays away from these creeps and doesn’t bring them around you anymore.”

Blaine shook his head, although he knew that his friend couldn’t see it. “No, I mean… what if I just… what if I got him the role… but didn’t tell him?”

Again, there was silence. When Sebastian spoke again, there was a very deliberate calm in his voice. “But you don’t want to sleep with the creep. Right?”

Blaine shuddered. “Definitely not.”

“And you would hate yourself for it,” Sebastian continued. “Plus, you’re missing the biggest flaw in this plan.”

“What’s that?”

“Like you’re even physically capable of keeping a secret like that,” Sebastian said, his voice lighter. “I mean, how long did you manage to hold onto the secret of that one night stand you had back in high school? Two days? And you didn’t even live in the same state back then. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty sure he’d love that – he’d get to have his cake and eat it too, and would never have to deal with the consequences. But guess what, this isn’t about him. This is about you. And Jesus, Blaine, don’t _do_ this to yourself. I’m serious.”

Blaine closed his eyes. It _had_ to be serious, if Sebastian actually used his name. And he was right. He wouldn’t be able to keep this a secret. Still…

“You’re wrong about him. He’d never want me to do this,” he said softly.

“He’d never want to know about it,” Sebastian replied. “But hey, maybe I am wrong. Only one way to find out. Tell him. You honestly should tell him everything. Maybe you’re right and he’ll be shocked about you being propositioned. Or maybe I’m right, and he’ll find a way to turn this back on you. Either way, once it’s out in the open at least you won’t be able to talk yourself into making a pointless sacrifice.”

“Fine, I’ll tell him. You’ll see!” Blaine was surprised when he found himself raising his voice. But the short flare of temper ebbed down almost immediately. “I’m not wrong about him,” he said softly.

“Yeah, well… maybe. But if you are… you have my number.”

Blaine hesitates. “I still have my call?” he asked.

Sebastian snorted. “We’ll both know when it’s _that_ call.”

Blaine closed his eyes. Right now, it was a comforting thought.

“So… are you going to be okay?” Sebastian asked, his voice softer and careful.

“I am,” Blaine replied, and to his relief, he actually believed it. “Thank you.”

* * *

Although the conversation with Sebastian had calmed him down, Blaine couldn’t help but feel nervous. He kept looking to his phone, checking the time and wondering when Kurt would come back. He could barely sit still on the couch, even the cushions feeling rough and uncomfortable. He was looking for the right words, how to tell Kurt what had happened the right way.

It took him a while to realize the feeling of unease as guilt. But that was ridiculous. What did he have to feel guilty about? He hadn’t done anything, hadn’t invited this in any way. Still, he wondered how Kurt would take it. He’d been so proud about getting a callback, had probably already lost his heart to the role. And now, Blaine would be the one to take it away.

Not really, though. He was only delivering the message. And Sebastian was wrong. He had to be.

Then why was he shaking?

Before he could think about an answer, he could hear the rattling of a key, and the door opened. As Kurt stepped inside, Blaine found himself pulled to his feet.

Kurt was beaming, happiness shining in his eyes. The callback must have gone really well for him to be this ecstatic. He was heartbreakingly beautiful, and a part of Blaine’s heart _did_ break when he remembered that he was about to take this away.

Kurt turned to him – and the smile dropped. Slowly, a frown replaced it, as he stepped closer. “What’s wrong?”

So it would have to come out right away. It probably was the better option.

“Let’s sit,” Blaine said, pointing to the couch.

Kurt came closer, and the expression on his face got more concerned with every step.

“Is it my Dad? Did something happen?”

Blaine’s eyes widened. “No! No, he’s fine. Everyone is… Nothing happened to them. Just… sit, please?”

“Then what’s going on?” Kurt demanded, stopping in front of the couch table. “Are you okay?”

Blaine hesitated. He didn’t feel fine, although nothing actually happened to him – just words, really. He was making too big of a deal out of it. The really hard thing wasn’t even what happened, more that he’d have to tell Kurt about it.

“Glenn was here. During your callback,” he said eventually.

“Glenn?” Kurt asked, his frown getting sharper. “What did he want?”

“He… It was about the casting,” Blaine said. “He… um…” He wrecked his brain trying to think of a way to break the news gently. But he’d been thinking about this for almost two hours without finding it – maybe it didn’t even exist. Eventually, the band-aid had to come off. He took a deep breath, before speaking again. “He said he won’t cast you unless I sleep with him.”

He looked up, trying to gauge his husband’s reaction. Kurt’s jaw dropped a bit, and he seemed to get even a bit paler. Several emotions flashed over his face, before he settled into a controlled, mask-like expression.

“_Excuse me_?”

The nausea from earlier returned. “I told him no, of course. He said to think it through till Saturday,” he added. “So, I kicked him out.”

“Glenn doesn’t decide on the casting,” Kurt said. His voice was sharp, high, shields up already. “He’s just giving Jackie the money. She makes the creative choices.”

“And you think she’ll decide against the person giving her money?” Blaine replied.

“You can’t be serious,” Kurt muttered. “I mean, I _saw_ him hitting on you, but… this is ridiculous. This is… and you’re _sure_ that’s what he meant?”

Blaine stared at Kurt, not quite understanding just what turn the conversation had taken. “Yes, I’m sure,” he said.

Kurt had started pacing, impatiently, restlessly. The hurt was obvious, but there was anger underneath it, and it was growing. He was getting defensive.

“What _exactly_ did he say?” His voice was sharp, too loud for the space of the loft, getting louder with every word, and Blaine felt his throat close up, as he continued. “Because last time I checked, Jackie was the one who made the casting decisions. And I think she’s a bit more invested in casting the right people than whether her friend gets laid.”

“Stop yelling at me! I didn’t do anything!” Blaine protested. He crossed his arms in front of him, stepping back until he felt the couch pressing against his thighs.

“Right. God forbid something is _not_ about you for once,” Kurt muttered.

A pause. Kurt probably hadn’t quite meant for him to hear that, but then again, the words had been too loud for that. It took a moment, until Blaine found his words.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Again, different emotions seemed to flicker over Kurt’s face, until he settled in determination. “This has nothing to do with you. This role, the audition… I don’t care what Glenn says. He doesn’t pick the roles. Jackie does. How can you even think about this?”

Blaine frowned, shaking his head. “I… I wasn’t. I kicked him out, I’m _not _thinking about doing this,” he said. The initial panic had subsided – Sebastian once again talking him down from the ledge – and with just a bit of rational thinking he knew he wasn’t even capable of going through with it.

“Then why would you even tell me about this?” Kurt asked. The anger was still there, but he seemed… tired. Older.

Blaine felt his eyes burn, and he wasn’t even sure if it was for his husband or himself. “We’re married,” he said, even though the words sounded weak even to his own ears. “How could I _not_ tell you about this?”

Kurt looked at him, and slowly stared shaking his head.

“And you need to know about this,” Blaine continued, even though he now realized that none of his words would even get through. He closed his eyes, Sebastian’s words echoing in his mind. Blaine had told him he was wrong, that Kurt did care, would never want him to go through with this. And he still believed it, Sebastian had been wrong.

But now, looking at Kurt, hurt, and anger and… fear?, fighting on his face, as controlled as his expression was, Blaine realized that he’d been wrong as well.

He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have pushed it down, forgetting about it, and maybe prayed that Glenn overestimated his own influence. It would have spared Kurt the pain, would have let him enjoy the pride in a successful callback, and Blaine wouldn’t have to wonder, if Kurt didn’t care, or just didn’t believe him.

He thought of the tattered copy of Emma lying in his nightstand, the piece of paper with Sebastian’s number hidden inside like a bookmark. Insurance, he reminded himself, and suddenly, he didn’t have enough strength to keep standing. He sank back into the couch, avoiding Kurt’s eyes.

He could hear Kurt sigh, but didn’t have it in him to look up.

“I’ll talk to Jackie tomorrow,” Kurt said, his voice sounding harsher than it was probably intended. “She’ll clear things up, I’m sure.”

Blaine nodded. What else was he supposed to say? Burt had once told him he’d have to _make_ Kurt listen sometimes. But how was he supposed to that, when more often, he just felt voiceless?

The thought didn’t disappear, even later, when they were lying in bed, at opposite ends, and the gulf between them might have been as wide as the Grand Canyon. When he woke in the morning, he was still restless. He went out running, to the point of exhaustion, and for just a few moments, he could stop thinking. But afterwards, he had to go back into the loft, every step reminding him once again that this was not home. Kurt wasn’t there, having left for who knows what – maybe talking to Jackie, or doing something for Isabelle, or any of the other dozen things going on in his life that Blaine wasn’t actually a part of. What Blaine needed was a distraction, but with spring break, most of his friends weren’t even in New York right now. The rehearsals for the new show wouldn’t start for another two weeks, and he already knew all his lines by heart. There was nothing here that could distract him. He wished he could call Sebastian, but… Well, if he called now, it might be The Call, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. Yet, his mind supplied, and the thought was… scary.

He couldn’t stay in his own head. He needed… something. Someone. He had to get out of his own head. He had to get out of this place. Maybe the city.

Cooper. Los Angeles. A few days away from New York, and in the California sun.

It took several attempts until his brother answered his call – drowsy, and maybe a bit hungover – but the arrangements were done surprisingly fast. Somehow, Cooper swung a flight the same day, even paying for his ticket, and before he had time to think it through, Blaine found himself at the airport. Maybe it was a bit cowardly to just run, only telling Kurt on the phone with little time for an actual discussion, and the cold reactions might have been warranted this time. But none of it mattered, when the plane took off and New York disappeared into nothing underneath him. Here, over the clouds, Blaine finally felt just a bit calm again.

And then, of course, he arrived at LAX, expecting his brother, but not at all surprised when he spotted Sebastian, leaning against a pillar and scanning the crowd. Without hesitation, Blaine walked up to him. He dropped the bag, and Sebastian pulled him into an embrace, close, and warm, and strong, and… safe. Only then, the tension started to bleed out from his muscles, his brain, his heart. He could feel Sebastian’s breath, as he spoke, words muttered into his hair.

“Let’s get you home, killer.”

He nodded, and for the first time since the night before, he felt light. It would be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Super long, super late chapter, both for reasons. Late because I’m in the middle of moving from basically one end of my country to the other, long because these boys won’t just stay in their own sections but have to pop up in others, and also, somehow I ended up in a weird tangent on shipping on Friends. (I don’t care what anyone says, Ross and Rachel were awful). And, for some reason, tofu. What?

* * *

Under the Los Angeles sun, having brunch on a rooftop terrace café with his brother, enjoying the warmth, fresh coffee and a mimosa, it was hard to think of life as anything but good. The turmoil from yesterday was still there, at the background of Blaine’s mind, but right now, he could ignore it.

Last night, Cooper had come home so late that they barely had time to talk before Blaine had crashed from exhaustion. Brunch had been Cooper’s idea, so they could finally catch up. Sebastian had excused himself, citing classes, but promised to join them in the evening, so the brothers were on their own for now.

Blaine hadn’t told Cooper yet just what had prompted his spontaneous visit, and he hadn’t decided if he was going to. Fortunately, Cooper had his own news to share.

“I’m going to Japan,” he announced, once their second mimosa was served.

Blaine frowned. “What? When? Why?”

“Mid-season,” Cooper said. “My ex-girlfriend will show up with a business proposal, and everyone will go crazy over it. It fails, of course, and we’ll lose even more money, but I’ll realize that this whole seeking fortune thing isn’t nearly as important as true love, we make up, and move to Japan, where she has the next brilliant business idea.”

It took Blaine a few moments, until he realized Cooper was talking about his sitcom character.

“So… they’re writing you out of the show?” he asked, frowning. His brother sounded way too cheerful for that.

“They had to,” Cooper said, trying to suppress a wide grin. “After all, I can’t exactly be a regular on a sitcom while I’m the lead in another show.”

“Oh my god, congratulations! What show?”

Cooper’s grin broke out. “I’ll be _the_ wise mentor character.”

Blaine tried to keep up his smile, but he as afraid it dropped at least a little bit. “Wise mentor?”

“What, you think I can’t be a wise mentor?” Cooper asked in mock offense.

“Aren’t you a bit young for that?” Blaine asked, quickly recovering.

“I would be, if I was playing him in his wise mentor stage. But it’s a prequel show, and I’ll play the mentor from the original show in his younger years. Or his… ripper years.”

Blaine’s jaw dropped. “Nooo… Are you serious?”

“I’m playing young Giles!” Cooper’s grin was so wide that it looked painful. “They’ll announce it this week. You’re like the second person who hears about it. At least from me.”

“That’s amazing,” Blaine said.

“And exactly what my career needs right now,” Cooper said. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love my show, but it’s time to move on, you know. And with an opportunity like that…”

Blaine understood completely. He thought back to when he’d been a kid, watching Buffy on TV with Cooper, hiding under blankets when things got too scary, even though his brother would always tease him.

“Speaking of opportunities, how are things with you? You’re still auditioning, right?”

“Well, I’m focusing on school,” Blaine said, shrugging. “That doesn’t leave a lot of time or space for getting a lead role like that. But I’m auditioning on the side, and I actually got something. It’s Off-Broadway, basically a modernized version of the Passion. They already told me I’d have to give up the gel, but hey, at least I get to wear that white leather outfit I didn’t win in Disco Week back in high school.”

Cooper had frowned, but at that mention, his face lit up. “Traitor,” he said, laughter bubbling up.

“_The_ traitor,” Blaine confirmed. “Judas Iscariot, Jesus Christ Superstar.”

“I demand the highest of fives,” Cooper said, and how could he not oblige? “Trust me, little brother. We are going places.”

“That we do,” Blaine said. It wasn’t just the roles he was happy about. A few years ago, Cooper wouldn’t have stopped talking about his success long enough to remember Blaine was sitting there, and now he was actively asking. It seemed Cooper was finally growing up, or maybe their bond had strengthened just that much.

Right this moment, it looked like everything was possible. A perfect moment, that couldn’t be ruined.

And now he jinxed it. Just as he realized it, his phone started ringing. He felt himself grimacing at the ringtone that told him it was his husband, and immediately felt guilty. They couldn’t work if they avoided talking.

Cooper looked at him slightly confused. “Aren’t you going to answer?” he asked.

“S-sure,” Blaine said. “Excuse me.” As he answered the phone and greeted Kurt, he stood up and walked a few steps away. He hadn’t told Cooper about the fight, and didn’t want to explain about whatever this conversation would result in.

“Kurt, hey. Um… what’s up?” A lame opening, he thought.

Kurt seemed to agree, because as he spoke, he sounded just ever so slightly uncertain.

“Hey. How’s Los Angeles?”

“Fine, warm,” Blaine said.

“How’s Cooper?”

“Brilliant, he just-“ Blaine stopped himself. Talking about Cooper’s successful casting might be kind of insensitive right now. “Same old Cooper,” he said instead. “He says hi.” A white lie, that would hopefully smooth things over.

Another pause. “And Sebastian?”

Blaine closed his eyes, and for a moment he could have been back in New York. Even the sun seemed a bit cooler. “He still has classes. Their spring breaks only starts next week,” he said. Hopefully, Kurt wouldn’t notice on how he was avoiding the question. The following silence suggested he did.

When Kurt spoke again, he seemed to be forcing himself to sound casual. “So, how long were you planning to stay in Los Angeles?”

Blaine bit his lip. “Classes start Monday, so I’ll be back Sunday evening. Cooper has quite the program figured out.” It was a revised version of the schedule Cooper had designed when inviting the both of them here, but Kurt had preferred staying in New York for his audition. Just thinking about it made Blaine feel a bit nauseated.

Usually, Kurt would answer this with a joke, but the tension between them was too high at the moment. Blaine understood, even if he hated the whole situation. He was glad that he couldn’t see Kurt right now, even though he normally preferred talking face-to-face. There were a dozen things he wanted to ask, but he wasn’t sure he really wanted to hear the answers.

“I went to see Jackie,” Kurt said eventually, after a silence that had gone on way too long.

And there was the main thing he did and didn’t want to know at the same time. Maybe he was being too cynical, but he figured if the following was something he’d want to hear, the conversation would have started with an apology.

“Okay?” he prompted, when Kurt didn’t continue for another few seconds.

“I’ve got the part.”

For just a few seconds, the world disappeared around him. The sounds of people around him, enjoying their brunch, was muted. The warmth of the sun felt distant. Even the ground under his feet felt off. Kurt was still talking, fast, as if he felt he had to justify himself. Maybe he was right. In a distant part of his mind Blaine realized that the statement had sounded almost apologetic, not the pride the statement usually would have come with. Mostly, Blaine’s mind was racing through the implications. He looked up to the table, hoping for some support from his brother, but Cooper was busy looking at his phone, texting someone.

Blaine closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths, and then interrupted the rambling.

“What about Glenn?”

Another silence. When Kurt spoke again, the hesitation was obvious.

“Jackie called him in,” he said. “Look, I don’t know what _exactly_ he said to you. But… is it possible that you misunderstood?”

Blaine’s eyes shot open, and the sun seemed blinding for a second, but instead of warmth, he felt a chilling cold.

“You don’t believe me,” he said. It didn’t even come out as an accusation, more a statement.

“That’s… No! Of course, I believe you!” The protest was immediate, and it sounded sincere. Blaine wondered just what kind of cognitive dissonance made that possible. “Look, obviously Glenn has a thing for you, and yes, he was probably hitting on you. But you know, he really doesn’t decide who gets cast, it’s all Jackie. Maybe he was just trying to impress you?”

Blaine snorted. “It’s pronounced _harass_, but nice try.”

He could imagine it, Kurt’s eyes widening, deep and blue, and hurt, his mouth opening slightly at the verbal strike. He could see it in front of his inner eyes. It left him as cold as the sun.

“I really don’t think…”

“Think _what_, Kurt?” Blaine replied. “That I get the difference between a guy flexing and a guy trying to blackmail me? Is Glenn actually a really nice guy, and I just need to give him a chance?”

“That’s _not_ what I’m saying,” Kurt protested.

“I don’t care,” Blaine said, and to his own surprise, he meant it. “Keep telling yourself what you need to believe in order to take this role, fine. But don’t expect me to get on board with it. I _know_ what he said to me.”

“That’s not fair,” Kurt said. “You know how important this is to me.”

“Well, then I’m glad you have your priorities straight,” Blaine said. “I’ve got to go, Cooper is waiting.”

“Blaine, can’t we talk about this?” Kurt asked. He sounded pleading now.

“What’s there to talk?” Blaine asked.

“The role is not more important than you,” Kurt said.

“Yeah, well… you have a funny way of showing that,” Blaine replied.

Another pause. “What do you want me to do, then? I know, Glenn isn’t a good person. And I understand he made you uncomfortable. But… really, what do you want me to do? Do you want me to decline the role?”

The No was on his tongue before he had completely processed the question, but he stopped himself. Did he want that?

“I would,” Kurt continued. “I… I don’t want us to fight. I don’t _want_ you to be uncomfortable. And if you need me to not take this role… you _are_ more important than this role. Than any role. You know that, right?”

Blaine closed his eyes, reminding himself to breathe calmly. He knew it in theory, sure. But believing it was something different.

“Blaine?”

The question shouldn’t be difficult to answer. No, he wasn’t comfortable with Kurt taking a role from that creep. But it wasn’t that easy, was it? There were consequences to decisions. Kurt had fallen in love with this role, _wanted_ this role. He wasn’t sure if he had the right to stop him from pursuing it. He couldn’t possibly decide this. He remembered what Rachel had said, that they had to look out for themselves regarding their careers. But in his opinion, that wasn’t enough. They’d have to look out for each other, too.

He couldn’t forbid Kurt to take the role. But he couldn’t completely advise him to take it either.

“You want it,” he said softly.

“Not more than you,” Kurt said. His voice sounded soft, sincere.

Like he’d break up over a role.

“You don’t have to decline the role,” he said. Despite the coffee and the mimosa, he felt ridiculously tired.

“Okay,” Kurt said, still sounding soft. “Are we… we’re okay, right?”

Blaine wasn’t sure how to answer this. “I’ll see you Sunday,” he said instead, ending the call.

He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. This was exhausting. It was as if all the warmth and energy he’d gotten from Los Angeles so far had drained away already.

A hand landed on his shoulder. Blaine turned to see his brother’s concerned face.

“Everything alright?” he asked.

Blaine wasn’t sure how to answer. He couldn’t even begin to describe how the whole thing made him feel. But he didn’t want to just lie, either.

“Nothing happened,” he said instead.

Cooper looked at him as if he wanted to say something but wasn’t sure what. Instead he bumped his shoulder. “Come on. We’ll continue brunch. Another coffee, another mimosa, and then some vocal practice. I already threatened we’re dragging Seb to a karaoke bar, and this time we’re not letting the smug bastard win.”

“There’s no winning at karaoke,” Blaine said. The smile he showed wasn’t a hundred percent genuine, but it was a start.

“There is, when you’re doing it right,” Cooper replied, dragging him back to their table.

Blaine rolled his eyes, but the exasperation was only partially real. Maybe this was what he needed – just forget what was going on in New York, or his marriage, and just live for the moment for once. And this was supposed to give him some space to breathe, to be himself for a bit. He was not going to let the whole Glenn thing ruin his vacation.

Not a chance.

* * *

Blaine found himself actually glad about the constant stream of drinks Sebastian kept sending his way. At least this way he didn’t die of second-hand embarrassment watching Cooper’s Elvis impression.

At least not much.

“Is it too late to pretend we don’t know him?” Sebastian asked, raising an eyebrow at the stage.

“It is for me,” Blaine said, “at least after he dragged me up on stage for the last song. But hey, you can still save yourself.”

“I’d have to abandon you,” Sebastian replied, though he looked as if he was seriously contemplating the option.

“I might never forgive you,” Blaine warned him.

“Wouldn’t that be a shame. I’d hate to have one of those passive-aggressive would-be serenades targeted at me,” Sebastian mused.

“There’s nothing passive-aggressive about Fighter,” Blaine said.

“Keep telling yourself that,” Sebastian said. “But hey, considering your situation…”

“Is there even a situation?” Blaine asked. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to know or discuss this right now. He could already feel the soft happiness the alcohol had built up dissipating.

“I wouldn’t call attempted blackmail trivial,” Sebastian said. “Although I guess your husband and I disagree on that.”

It was a guess, but of course not far from the truth. Blaine hadn’t said much about why he had suddenly decided to come visit Cooper, but clearly Sebastian could figure it out. Blaine also suspected he might have given Cooper a head’s up, given how fast all the arrangements had been made.

“I was wrong anyway,” Blaine said. He tried to keep the hollowness out of his voice, but knew he wasn’t successful. “They offered Kurt the part. All without me sleeping with anyone. I guess I could have just ignored the whole thing, and everything would be fine.”

“You did tell Kurt about this, right?” Sebastian asked.

Huh, it had to be serious if Sebastian even used his first name.

“I did. He talked to Jackie, the producer, then they talked to Glenn, and now Kurt thinks it was a misunderstanding.”

Sebastian eyed him suspiciously. “And what do you think?” he asked.

“Honestly? I think when Glenn was asked by his friend, he obviously denied anything, and then they kind of had to give Kurt the role, just to prove there was nothing to it, or maybe to shut us up.” He had spent most of the day trying to figure out what was going on, and this was the only thing that made sense to him. He _knew_ what Glenn had said, and what it had meant. He just felt angry that apparently Kurt hadn’t bothered to figure it out. Or maybe he was being paranoid. But as he looked up at Sebastian, he found his friend looking at him almost impressed.

“That’s what it sounds like,” Sebastian said, “although I didn’t quite expect you to figure it out. Must suck for Kurt, though.”

Blaine’s jaw actually dropped a bit. “What?” This wasn’t the right script. Sebastian wasn’t supposed to feel sorry for Kurt. He was supposed to be on Blaine’s side.

Sebastian shrugged. “We both know I’m not his biggest fan, sure. But I just think it kind of sucks. From what I’ve heard he hasn’t exactly been successful finding roles so far, and now he actually gets one and has to decline it. Kind of sucks.”

Blaine frowned. “He didn’t decline the role,” he said.

Sebastian’s eyebrows shot up. “Wait. He’s taking it? You said you told him everything.”

“And he still wants the role,” Blaine replied. “I mean, he officially asked my permission. But… I can’t forbid him from taking the role, can I?”

“You shouldn’t have to,” Sebastian replied. “He shouldn’t want to work with anyone who puts you through that shit.”

Blaine’s eyes widened, and for just a second, everything around him was silent.

_Oh_.

He gulped, and looked down, unable to look into Sebastian’s eyes. That was it, wasn’t it? If the tables were turned, he’d never even consider working with Glenn. He would never ask Kurt about this, because the question wouldn’t even occur to him. _Sebastian_ wouldn’t even think of it, had immediately assumed that Kurt wouldn’t take the role. Sebastian, who he’d always considered ambitious, bordering on cut-throat, wouldn’t go for something under these circumstances. And yet, Kurt wanted to do it? Sure, he may have asked first, but how genuine had the question been? Hadn’t he known that Blaine would never actually forbid him from taking the role?

“Hey, are you still with me?” Sebastian asked.

A hand landed on Blaine’s cheek, warm and soft, raising his face up. Sebastian looked at him with concern.

Blaine nodded. “Yeah, I… just realized something.”

Sebastian frowned, but before he could prod any further, an arm was thrown over his shoulder.

“Well, what do you think?” Cooper asked, throwing the other one over Blaine’s shoulder and pulling the three together in a weird interpretation of a group hug. “If this isn’t winning karaoke night, I don’t know.”

“Winning karaoke?” Sebastian asked, staring at Blaine in confusion.

“Don’t ask,” Blaine replied.

“Well, _you’re_ clearly not winning, you’re hardly playing,” Cooper said. “Come on, don’t be shy. How about a duet?”

“I’m not doing I’ll Never Tell with you,” Sebastian said, glaring at Cooper.

“And we’re not doing Walk Through The Fire either,” Blaine added. “I don’t think they even _have_ Buffy songs on here…”

“That should be illegal,” Cooper said. “Those songs are treasures!”

“I thought this was still supposed to be under wraps?” Sebastian asked.

Blaine shrugged. “I don’t think he understands the concept.”

“Fine, you sing something then,” Cooper said. “Go, come on.” Before Blaine could protest, he found himself being pushed towards the stage and the DJ. It was so late that most patrons had given up on karaoke, and through whatever magic, Cooper had gotten a good enough standing with the DJ that she kept giving him preferential treatment. 

“Any TV show songs? Like from Buffy?” Cooper asked as he pushed them closer to her.

She rolled her eyes, obviously not the first time this night. “If I let them sing some tv crap, will you drop it?”

“Maybe?” Cooper said, winking at her.

She laughed, for some reason charmed by him. “Fine. On the stage with you.”

Blaine frowned, worried for a moment if he’d even know the song. But the opening tones were unmistakable, reminded him of other evenings, slummed in front of the TV with Cooper, watching Ross and Rachel find and lose each other again and again, even if a lot of it had gone over his head back then. Sebastian too seemed to recognize the songs, and by the time they came to the clapping, they had figured out their harmonies. 

Like on Christmas, their voices blended together easily without practice. Sebastian even coaxed him into an impromptu choreography, that definitely had more heart than skill. Either way, in just a few minutes, Blaine managed to lose himself in the music, the lights, the dancing. Only on his last step did he slip, falter. He grabbed onto Sebastian’s arm, trying to steady himself. A second later, a hand was on his back, stabilizing him. Still, the last notes came out crystal clear, not even a hitch to betray the short fear of falling. He could feel Sebastian’s eyes on his lips, and he wasn’t sure if his accelerated heartbeat was because of the performance, the almost falling, or for a completely different reason. It was dangerous. He didn’t care.

“I think you owe me a shot, Anderson,” Sebastian muttered.

“Cooper does,” Blaine replied. “But lead the way.”

Sebastian grabbed his hand, leading him down to the bar, where Cooper was indeed already waiting for them with three shots of tequila. After they downed them, Blaine felt an arm ghosting around his waist. He didn’t comment, but he didn’t step away either. He felt free in a way he hadn’t in a long time. He felt young, happy, excited. And definitely more than tipsy, which was the only explanation for the next words out of his mouth.

“So, Coop, what about some Duran Duran?”

* * *

The few days in Low Angeles had done wonders for Blaine’s peace of mind. He had honestly come to enjoy spending so much time with Cooper, and his brother seemed to be doing everything in his power to cheer him up. By Thursday, Blaine felt like he had managed to relax and put the whole Glenn thing behind him, at least for now, so when Cooper announced he would be busy in meetings about his new show all day, Blaine couldn’t help but feel slightly disappointed.

Fortunately, Sebastian was more than willing to provide some company. They had started the day with a fierce battle of crêpes versus pancakes, the winner of which was probably Blaine’s gym, and continued with another short sightseeing tour, Sebastian continuously commenting on the obvious tourists. Blaine countered with coaxing him into the most ridiculous selfies he could think of, even though at the back of his mind he wondered how many of those he’d have to delete before returning to New York. They even swung by Sebastian’s place, a surprisingly small, shared apartment, and had coffee with his roommate, a med student named Cassie, who could barely make time for a study break.

It was a busy day, and by the time they returned to Cooper’s place, Blaine felt tired enough that he was willing to scrap their earlier plans of making dinner in favor for more take-out.

“So American,” Sebastian said, raising an eyebrow at him.

“The French always cook themselves?” Blaine replied.

Sebastian shrugged. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

It was very Sebastian, always implying things, never fully committing to a story. Sometimes Blaine wondered how many of those implied were actually true, and how much of it was just a carefully cultivated image. Even back in school, when he’d seemed so worldly, experienced, Blaine had figured that at least parts of his Casanova image were made up or at exaggerated. Of course, that hadn’t stopped him from being taken by the other boy.

“Come on, it’s not that complicated. Just start chopping things,” Sebastian said.

“I didn’t think you’d know how to cook,” Blaine said as Sebastian started to wash vegetables and hand them over to him.

“There’s a lot of me you still have to learn,” Sebastian said.

It was nice, like he assumed that was just a matter of when, not if. Blaine hid his smile and started chopping the spring onions. Once he was done, there was bell pepper, then carrots, and literally every time he thought he was done, Sebastian had put more vegetables in front of him.

“How many people are we trying to feed again?” Blaine asked after a while.

Sebastian rolled his eyes, smiling. “Your brother,” he said. “He’s doing some sort of low carb thing right now, so the rice is out.”

“We had pizza yesterday,” Blaine said, frowning.

“It’s only on days that contain a U,” Sebastian said. “What? Don’t look at me like that, in case you haven’t noticed, your brother is completely insane.”

Well, he couldn’t argue with that. He looked over to what Sebastian was doing. He had filled a bowl in front of him with flour and curry and was turning something inside it.

“What’s that?”

“Tofu,” Sebastian said absent-mindedly, turning more pieces and putting them to the side. “Which you can also blame your brother for, by the way.

“Oh.”

Sebastian turned at this, noticing his lack of enthusiasm. “Not a fan?”

“I mean… it’s not really my thing,” Blaine said. Although from the look of it, the pieces seemed big enough that he could avoid them. They had made a lot of tofu living with Rachel, who flipped between a vegetarian and vegan diet every few months. Kurt had talked at length about the health benefits, while Rachel had waxed poetics about the taste. To Blaine, it had mostly seemed tasteless and spongy.

“You can try it first,” Sebastian said, finishing the last piece. “Hand me a pan?”

Blaine complied, watching Sebastian pour oil into it with clearly practiced movements. He seemed to know where everything was, as if he was cooking here a lot.

As if on cue, Sebastian turned to look at him. “Our kitchen is a bit cramped,” he said with a shrug, as if he had to justify himself. “Plus, you can’t get the smell out for days.”

“You cook here often?” Blaine asked.

Sebastian shrugged. “Occasionally. I see it as a tax for putting up with Cooper all the time.”

“Well deserved,” Blaine said. He cut the last of the vegetables and came closer. Sebastian put a wooden spoon into the oil, nodding at the way bubbles formed at the tip, and then threw the tofu cubes into it.

“They don’t need that long, do they?” Blaine asked. “Shouldn’t we put them in later?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “You can be a lot like Cooper sometimes, did anybody ever tell you that? Just trust me, I know what I’m doing.”

Blaine nodded, and kept watching in silence as Sebastian turned the cubes over, frying them from every side. Eventually, he took the pan from the stove and put all the pieces onto a plate. He picked one with a spoon, blowing air at it a few times, before turning to offer it to Blaine.

He hesitated for just a moment too long.

“A bite won’t kill you, Anderson.”

Blaine rolled his eyes, taking the spoon out of Sebastian’s hand. He didn’t mention how often he’d been in this situation before. “You’ll like it this way,” or “you haven’t had it prepared right”. It usually ended with him tasting it, not liking it, and Kurt looking at him in disappointment, as if he was just not trying hard enough.

The first thing he noticed was the crispiness, then the spicy flavor of the curry. The tofu itself didn’t seem bland, more like it balanced out the other flavors. And inside, there was just a hint of something else, something almost nutty…

He chewed carefully, before swallowing. He could feel Sebastian’s eyes on him, following the movement of his throat. Involuntarily, he licked his lips.

“Well? What’s the verdict?”

Blaine looked up at him in surprise. “It’s good,” he said.

Sebastian laughed, rolling his eyes again. “Don’t look so shocked,” he said. “I told you, I know what I’m doing. And not just in the kitchen. Although… the kitchen _is_ an option.”

“Not the one at your apartment,” Blaine replied. “It _is _tiny.”

“Would be the only thing,” Sebastian said easily. “Besides, cramped spaces just make you get more creative.”

“I’m not sure I want to know,” Blaine said.

Sebastian winked at him. “Trust me, you would.”

He should probably reply with a witty remark. Or maybe bring the conversation back to more family-friendly topics. He could say nothing and just ignore the beat his heart skipped. He probably shouldn’t blush furiously, before turning back to the vegetables, scanning if there wasn’t anything he’d forgotten to cut. He definitely shouldn’t start picturing what sort of creativity Sebastian came up with in the cramped space of his kitchen.

“So, what is the recipe?” he asked, trying to distract from how stupidly flustered he’d gotten.

“It’s stir-fry,” Sebastian said, the smug smirk so evident in his voice there was no need to look at him. “You throw everything into a frying pan, and you stir it.” He sighed mockingly, as he moved towards the vegetable pieces Blaine had cut. “That’s what you get for going to a public school.”

It was a throwaway remark, but it had a sobering effect on Blaine. He had transferred to a public school, to be with the boy he loved. Back then, it had seemed like the logical move. Looking back, he wasn’t so sure. He wondered for a moment, how his life would have gone if he hadn’t left Dalton. What if… But what was the point of that?

“Go ahead, then,” he said, putting on just a bit of a show face to overplay that sudden feeling of insecurity.

Sebastian’s eyes tightened, the tiniest crease appearing between his eyebrows, as if he knew exactly what Blaine was doing, but before he could decide if he was going to call him out, he was interrupted by his phone ringing.

Sebastian frowned at the number, but answered. “Hello?” There was a moment of silence, before he repeated the greeting, followed by a blip telling them the other person had ended the call.

“Weird,” Sebastian muttered, putting away the phone. But whatever it was, Blaine felt grateful that the spell seemed broken.

“Give me the wok? Right cabinet, lowest shelf,” Sebastian said, pointing in the right direction.

Blaine complied, feeling under control again as he watched Sebastian throw in the different ingredients, seasoning with spices and soy sauce, until everything was in the wok. While watching, he took another cube of tofu. Again, the different flavors hit his tongue, and he found himself smiling. A pleasant surprise, definitely. He could use some of those.

* * *

The night air in Los Angeles was a lot nicer than in New York. Definitely warmer. Blaine just wished he could stay just a bit longer. It was his last evening, though. Classes were starting up again, and he had rehearsals to attend.   
  
Cooper had invited a few of his friends for a small get together. They’d had pizza and beer, and for background noises someone had turned on the TV onto a Friends marathon. At first, Blaine hadn’t even paid attention to it, but on occasion, his eyes had been drawn towards the screen. Maybe it was the melancholy of returning to New York, maybe nostalgia, maybe he was just annoyed that Sebastian was so late, or the crowd was just too much for him. Either way, he found himself out on the balcony, going for some fresh air.   
  
He could hear the balcony door open and steps coming closer. He wasn’t surprised in the least when he heard Sebastian’s voice.  
  
“I thought I’d find you here.”   
  
“I was starting to think I wouldn’t find _you_ at all,” Blaine replied without looking up. “I thought your exams were over by now.”  
  
“They are,” Sebastian said. “It’s just some family trouble again.”  
  
At this, Blaine looked towards him, relieved to find that his friend wasn’t exactly looking upset. “Nothing too bad, I hope?”  
  
Sebastian chuckled. “Dad isn’t too happy with Colette’s boyfriend,” he said. “He’s right, of course, but don’t tell her I said that. Either way, I had to play referee. It was… weird. But I think they’ve settled it. What about you? Depressed about having to leave all this behind again?”  
  
“A bit,” Blaine admitted.  
  
“You know, we could easily swing you a place at UCLA,” Sebastian said. “And I’m sure you’ll find enough directors willing to cast you. Some modelling maybe? I hear Calvin Klein isn’t paying too shabby…”  
  
Blaine rolled his eyes, but he smiled. “Why am I not surprised?”  
  
Sebastian grinned, just a hint of wolf in there. “You know me too well,” he said. “But seriously, what’s got you moping out here?”  
  
Blaine wondered if he should protest, but it was too obvious that it was true. “Did you ever notice that Chandler and Monica are great together?”  
  
Sebastian frowned. “Isn’t that the whole point of their arcs?”  
  
Blaine sighed. “Yes, it’s just… Ross and Rachel are the couple, right? The Will-They-Won’t-They couple that everybody wants to see together. And Chandler and Monica are nice, but that’s not who you’re tuning in for.”  
  
Sebastian gave him a look he usually reserved for Cooper, confusion mixed with exasperation, incredulity and just a splash of fondness. “What are you talking about?”  
  
“But if you think about it, Chandler and Monica are great. You don’t think so at first, he’s just this quipping sarcastic guy, but in the end, he really cares and is there for his friends, and for her, and they’re… just great. But then you look at Ross and Rachel, and suddenly you start thinking… they’re kind of awful. You root for them for so long, and then you look back, and you realize they just bring out the worst in each other, and maybe they would have been better off just… _not_ being together.” He looked up, hoping to find at least a flicker of understanding in Sebastian’s eyes. Maybe he did, or maybe he was just imagining things.   
  
“First of all, no couple that concludes with one person stopping the other from moving to Paris is worth it,” Sebastian said. “Second of all, Ross and Rachel are toxic as hell, and I’ll never understand what people saw in them. And number three – are you seriously having some sort of existential crisis over _Friends_?”  
  
Blaine sighed, shaking his head. Of course, Sebastian wouldn’t understand it. “I just… I thought they were soulmates. It’s kind of hard to realize that they’re so awful to each other. What does that say about love?”  
  
“Nothing,” Sebastian replied. “Though it says a lot about the writers.” He frowned, looking Blaine over as if he was trying to read his mind. “So, what… are you comparing yourself to Ross and Rachel?”  
  
Blaine let his eyes wander down to the street, unable to meet Sebastian’s eyes. “A bit,” he said. “It’s just… The whole break thing, it reminded me a lot of the time Kurt broke up with me in high school. Granted, I never yelled at him we were on a break, but still…”  
  
“Your life isn’t a sitcom, Blaine.”  
  
He looked up now, founding Sebastian looking at him completely serious. He had to think back to the memorial at Dalton, how Sebastian had managed to calm his nerves and lay down the facts in front of him. He craved more of that, something to hold onto and make sense of things again.  
  
“You’re _not_ Ross – even if you are treading into dangerous territory with that gel addiction. Anyway, if you think about it, all of the friends are assholes. Chandler might be the nicest one in the bunch. So yeah, if you want to emulate someone, anyone but Ross might be a safe choice. But you and Kurt aren’t Ross and Rachel. You’re you. And whether you make it or not, has nothing to do with some ancient sitcom.”  
  
Blaine smiled up at him. Strange enough, he did feel a bit calmer. He put a hand on Sebastian’s arm, stopping his rambling.  
  
“I’ll miss you,” he said. The few beers had loosened his tongue, but it was true, and deserved to be said.  
  
Sebastian looked at him in surprise, but something softened in his gaze. “You could always stay,” he said.  
  
“I have rehearsals,” Blaine replied, just as soft.  
  
“Tell me when you’re performing,” Sebastian said.  
  
Again, Blaine felt his pulse pick up. Sebastian was standing close, maybe too close, close enough that in the half-light from Cooper’s apartment Blaine could still see his freckles. His eyes were dark, only a ring of green around the pupils, and started flickering down to Blaine’s lips again. Involuntarily, he glanced at Sebastian’s, slightly chapped, opened just a fraction. It would be so easy to lean forward, upward, slot them together. The easiest thing in the world, just to follow this magnetic draw, something forbidden that he wouldn’t be able to take back.  
  
He stepped forward instead, his arms wrapping around Sebastian’s torso, hiding his face against his shirt, safely tucked away where he couldn’t do anything stupid. Sebastian held him tightly, enveloping him in warmth. If he noticed the way Blaine’s pulse raced, he didn’t mention it.   
  
Maybe, in another life, he could have been Monica, finding someone infuriatingly sarcastic to be by his side. There were a million ways his life could have gone. For a moment he wondered how his life would have been if he’d given Sebastian that second chance back in high school, if their paths would have led them anywhere near here. He wondered what would have happened if he and Kurt had chosen a clean break instead of long-distance, if he could have found happiness in another place then. What would have happened if they hadn’t gotten engaged, instead just dated after coming to New York. Would they have been more successful without all those expectations to the relationship, or just broken up at one of their numerous fights? And what if they had just gotten back together as boyfriends instead of marrying on the spot? Would they even be together now? Too many what-ifs until his mind was spinning.  
  
It didn’t matter, of course. He couldn’t change the past. Still, right now all he wanted, was to forget the world, and consequences and reality, and all of it. All he wanted was to disappear into Sebastian’s embrace. All he wanted was to stop thinking.   
  
But his mind kept repeating these five words.  
  
_I could have been happy._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That one was tough, even ignoring how I'm still busy moving. So this chapter was written, then rewritten, then a new scene showed up, then I remembered a set-up I needed, then the set-up was split, and so on, and so on. But I think I've got it in order now.  
Also, just looking over the notes for the next chapter, I can tell that's going to be two chapters, so yeah, I'll be taking a bit longer with it.

* * *

New York greeted him with a harsh wind, seemingly even colder compared to the LA sun. Blaine tried not to wallow over leaving. New York was the city he’d chosen and fallen in love with. He was about to take an amazing role. He was looking forward to seeing his friends – Rachel and Jesse, Jolene and Brandon, all the others… He should have been looking forward to seeing his husband. But he wasn’t quite sure how to feel about it, with Kurt accepting the role. A part of him hoped Kurt would greet him at the airport, telling him he’d been silly and of course, he wouldn’t do it.  
  
He knew it wouldn’t happen.  
  
Blaine had texted Kurt the time of his arrival, with the vague offer to just take a cab back. They didn’t have a car, so it was kind of redundant to pick each other up. Still, he felt disappointed when he scanned the crowd at the airport and couldn’t find a trace of his husband. He checked his phone, only to find a text wishing him a safe trip back and to text once he landed.  
  
He hesitated, but eventually relented, giving Kurt a short text that he had arrived safely and was taking a cab. Again, the wish for a safe trip and not much more.  
  
By the time he went up the stairs to the Bushwick loft, he was tired of wondering. He opened the door, and for a moment took it in. A huge, open space, seeming empty even with the furniture. Kurt was sitting on the couch, turning his head as he entered.  
  
“Hey,” Blaine said, not sure why his voice came out so shy or uncertain.  
  
Kurt flashed him a smile, although there was insecurity in there too. “How was your flight?”  
  
“Fine,” Blaine said, putting down his bag. “Cooper is sending his best. And a new bunch of mugshots, in case you’re interested…”  
  
There usually would have been laughter, but now there was only hesitation and another tired smile.  
  
Blaine frowned. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, but this… nothing wasn’t something he knew how to deal with.  
  
“So, what have you done all week?” he asked, trying to sound casual.  
  
“I’ve been busy,” Kurt said. “We had a few readings, and they went well. Jackie really knows what she’s doing. I’m having a really good feeling about this.”  
  
Blaine didn’t even have to look to know that this was a lie. It placated him a bit, to think that Kurt at least realized there was something off about taking the role. But it was only a small comfort.  
  
“She’s starting rehearsals in two weeks,” Kurt continued. “They haven’t figured out the choreography yet completely, but she’s confident. And they already cast Basil and Sibyl, I think the chemistry is really great.”  
  
“I really don’t want to hear about this,” Blaine replied. It surprised him that he managed to even say these words, so used to bite down on his own needs. But the more Kurt talked about the play, the more he had to think about Glenn, his disgusting innuendoes, a supposedly casual hand brushing his skin…  
  
“You said it’s okay to take this role,” Kurt said, a note of accusation in his voice.  
  
“I said you don’t have to decline it,” Blaine replied, “that doesn’t mean it’s okay.” It was a bit ridiculous, of course. He _had_ basically said that Kurt could take the role. But again, shouldn’t Kurt know better without being told?  
  
“I told you, I don’t want to take the role if you’re going to resent me over it,” Kurt said. “I can’t step back now.”  
  
It sounded a lot different than “you’re more important than any role”, and Blaine was suddenly reminded of high school, about a whole summer of Kurt badgering him about transferring to McKinley, until he had finally gathered the courage to put the question to his parents – he didn’t understand even now why they’d agreed to the transfer – only to be told in the end, that Kurt didn’t want him to be resentful over it.  
  
“I don’t want you to step back,” Blaine said. “I want you to take me seriously when I tell you something like this. It’s like you don’t even believe me.”  
  
“That’s not true!” Kurt’s protest sounded sincere and heartfelt, although he was always fast to defend himself. “I just think there might be some sort of misunderstanding. I mean, I did get the role anyway, right?”  
  
“You don’t think there could be a connection to you telling Jackie about this?” Blaine asked.  
  
“What, you think I couldn’t get a lead role on my own merit?” Kurt replied.  
  
Blaine stared at him in disbelief. “That’s _not_ what I said!” He shook his head, not sure whether he should hide how hurt he was or just show Kurt how he was affected. But his old instincts were hard to fight off. In a corner of his mind he wondered if this was the rest of his life, fighting to be heard or seen. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like this,” Blaine said. He cast a look over his shoulder, wondering if it was a good idea to see if he could stay at Jolene’s for the night.  
  
When he looked back, he saw something flash in Kurt’s eyes. “So what, Blaine? You can’t just go running off to your backup boyfriend anytime things aren’t going well!”  
  
Blaine’s eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks. “What?”  
  
“_Sebastian_.” Kurt spat out the name as if it was rotten, finally standing up to round around the couch, something balled up in his fist.  
  
“I went to see my brother,” Blaine replied, holding himself back. “Am I not allowed to see my family now?”  
  
“Sure, because you always go to Cooper for advice,” Kurt said. Whatever his weird mood from before had been, it had turned into anger now. Again, that defensive streak. Blaine just wondered when exactly he’d become the prime target of it.  
  
“Look, I don’t know what you want from me here, Kurt. Yes, I’m upset about you working with this guy. I needed some space. There’s nothing wrong with that.”  
  
“Do you think I’m an idiot?” Kurt asked. He brought his clenched fist forward, throwing whatever he held inside to his feet. Blaine frowned, looking down. It was a piece of paper, balled up in clear anger. Confused, he bowed down to pick it up. For a fraction of a second, he froze, as he recognized the digits of Sebastian’s number.  
  
“Why do you have that?” Kurt asked. “I called it, you know. Do you want to guess who answered?”  
  
Blaine froze. He tried to take deep breaths to calm down his heart beat – too fast, too loud inside his skull. “It’s Sebastian’s phone number,” he said, talking to win more time. “He wrote it down for me at the memorial for Dalton, since I had deleted it. So I kept the paper. Why is this such a big deal? You _know_ I’m talking to him. And he’s not… flirting, or hitting on me. He’s just being a friend.”  
  
“I know you’re talking to him, and it’s bad enough. But if it’s not a big deal, why do you keep the physical number with you?” Kurt asked. “You wouldn’t keep it if it didn’t mean anything to you.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. What was he supposed to say to that? It was true, after all. The paper had become a symbol for the insurance, and he knew that was something he could never tell Kurt about. He couldn’t in all honesty say it was harmless. He thought of that moment on the balcony, how for a moment he couldn’t think of anything but how easy it would be to kiss Sebastian. Yes, he was definitely on thin ice here.  
  
“I’m just using it as a bookmark,” he said, a weak protest.  
  
“To a book you haven’t touched in forever,” Kurt said. “Who are you even kidding?”  
  
Blaine opened his mouth, trying to defend himself without even knowing from what. But then, suddenly, the memory of Sebastian’s words came back.  
  
_Maybe I’m right, and he’ll find a way to turn this back on you  
_  
He stopped. Why were they even talking about Sebastian right now, when the initial problem had been Dorian Gray? He wondered if Kurt really was upset about the number, or if it was only a convenient excuse to turn the conversation around. In this moment, he realized. Defending himself about Sebastian wouldn’t get them anywhere. It would only make him feel awful, and his own problems would remain unaddressed.  
  
“Look, I don’t know what you want from me,” he said softly. “I love you. I married you. Every single time I chose you. This has nothing to do with Sebastian. You know that this role is a mistake, but you want it so bad that you need to find a way to turn this around on me. And I don’t want to do this. We’re supposed to be a team, but lately it’s like we’re… out of synch. We need to remember what this is about. It’s you and me. That’s what we need to work on.”  
  
As he spoke, he watched the anger and tension drain from his husband, leaving sadness and just a hint of fear.  
  
“Maybe. But we can’t make this work if you keep running off to another man for comfort any time we’re going through a rough patch,” he said.  
  
“That’s not what this is,” Blaine said, but even then, he wasn’t sure if it really was true. What else was he doing, keeping Sebastian’s promise as a backup? Then again, he couldn’t exactly get rid of it. Even if he threw away the paper, the number was saved in his phone as well as his memory. He could make his call now, waste the No-Question-Asked on something trivial, but he was pretty sure that even if he did that, Sebastian would still come through for him if he really needed him to. This wasn’t something he could just forget or undo. Maybe he never should have accepted it. But he remembered that day at Dalton, how raw everything had felt, and how Sebastian had given him ground to stand on. He couldn’t have refused.  
  
Kurt watched him, as if he was reading him somehow. For the first time Blaine found himself wishing he wouldn’t be able to understand. “I do want to make this work, Blaine. Maybe you want to think if that’s what you want, too.”  
  
He stepped forward, putting a kiss on Blaine’s cheek, before turning around to disappear behind the curtain hiding their bed. Blaine stayed there, alone, wondering why he felt so utterly defeated.

* * *

  
Blaine was grateful for his role as Judas. The rehearsals had started, and in comparison his run as Bobby Strong had been ridiculously easy. He didn’t have much choreography to learn, but they rehearsed late into the night, with brutal vocal coaching. It was a good distraction from the tension that was still between Kurt and him.  
  
He wasn’t quite sure how things had turned around so quickly. For once, he had been reasonably sure that he was in the right, with Kurt taking the Dorian Gray role. But somehow now he was the one at fault. It was frustrating, and Blaine had no idea how he could even begin to fix it. He wanted his marriage to work. But short of cutting contact with Sebastian completely, he didn’t know what he could do – and that was a step he knew he wasn’t able to take.  
  
All of this conflict at least was amazing fuel for Heaven On Their Minds – it had never been easier to pour all his passion into a song dedicated to a man he loved, begging him to listen. But like Judas, his words fell into nothing.  
  
They were living together, having breakfast and occasionally dinner together, slept in the same bed together. But something had stepped between them. They talked, but it felt stilted, formal, limited to necessities. They didn’t talk about rehearsals. Blaine occupied himself with his last semester at NYU, while Kurt spent all of his time on the play – about the last thing Blaine wanted to talk about.  
  
Jesus Christ Superstar opened a few weeks before his finals to amazing reviews. Between performances and studying sessions, as well as Kurt’s schedule, they hardly saw each other, and definitely didn’t have time to discuss their respective shows. But that only had the effect that he hardly knew what was going on in his own husband’s life. Hell, he knew more about what was going on in Sebastian’s life, between the insanities of law school, and his sister’s most recent break-up.  
  
What he hadn’t heard about was Jackson. Maybe there had been mentions, but not nearly enough to prepare him for getting a Facebook notification telling him _“Sebastian Smythe is in a relationship”_.  
  
He got the messages while studying with Rachel, both of them nervous with finals and then graduation approaching. He wasn’t sure why reading it made it feel like the floor had disappeared under his feet, and he hoped she hadn’t noticed anything.  
  
Cooper, at least, could have warned him. But then again, what should he have warned him about? They were friends. Blaine was married. What should a different relationship status change?  
  
He sent a short text to Sebastian (“I hear congratulations are in order?”), and a longer one to Cooper, asking for more information. His brother had the decency to call him back right away. He excused himself, leaving Rachel kneeling in front of their couch table as he went to the fire escape to take the call. Kurt’s best friend probably wasn’t the best witness to him interrogating his brother about Sebastian’s relationship status. Once again, he wished for doors.  
  
“So, you heard about Sebastian?” Cooper asked once he answered the phone.  
  
“Yes, actually,” Blaine said. “Just… what’s going on?”  
  
“Look, I’m sorry, I should have said something to you,” Cooper said, and actually sounded apologetic. “It’s all just been really fast. They’ve been talking for a while, and this weekend, they decided to try dating. This Jackson guy… he’s nice, just started working at a bank. Probably going to be a CEO in a few years, he’s the type. Apparently, he’s an UCLA alumnus, that’s how they met. But it’s not that serious. Don’t worry.”  
  
“Why would I be worried?” Blaine replied. It was the right response. He was _married_. He really had no reason to be jealous about Sebastian having a boyfriend. And as much as he tried to pretend otherwise, he _knew_ that was jealousy. It wasn’t as bad as it had been back in high school when he’d seen pictures of Kurt with that British guy, but it was a similar feeling.  
  
“Okay, calm down,” Cooper said, and though his tone sounded serious Blaine felt as if he was laughing at him. “I’m just saying, I’m here to keep an eye on him. You know, make sure he doesn’t get in over his head.”  
  
“That’s… really nice of you,” Blaine said.  
  
“Can you imagine he never had a relationship before?” Cooper said. “That sweet summer child… he _needs_ an expert by his side.”  
  
Blaine frowned. “Your longest relationship lasted like three months,” he said.  
  
“Three and a half!” Cooper protested.  
  
Blaine laughed, rolling his eyes, but he sobered up once his thoughts came back to the question he couldn’t shake. “Why didn’t he tell me?” he asked.  
  
A pause, then Cooper sighed. “You know why,” he said.  
  
Blaine looked down through the bars of the fire escape, wondering what he should say to that. There was something between them, of course, something unspoken and unnamed. But whatever it was, it could never become real, not when Blaine was married. Of course, Sebastian had a right to have a boyfriend. He just had never expected it to happen. He always seemed content with casual hook-ups, and rolled his eyes at romance.  
  
“Listen, I’ve got to go,” Cooper said, “but… you’re okay, right?”  
  
Blaine sighed. “Of course I am. Thanks.”  
  
After ending the call, he kept sitting outside. The weather had cooled down again, and it made him shiver.  
  
“Is everything okay?”  
  
He looked up to see Rachel looking outside. She looked tired, and there was ink smudged around the corner of her mouth. The expression on her face was concerned.  
  
“I’m fine,” he said, “but maybe I should make some more coffee?”  
  
Her eyes lit up, and as he climbed inside he felt a bit better. His phone lit up with another message, from Sebastian. He turned it off without reading.

* * *

  
Finals came and went in a final explosion during the last weeks of Jesus Christ Superstar, and before he knew it, Blaine had graduated. The party his friends threw must have been amazing – at least he woke up on Jolene’s couch barely remembering it, apart from Rachel and Jesse crashing the party and starting a karaoke contest. Kurt hadn’t been able to join them because of dress rehearsals, and maybe that was part of the reason why Blaine got as drunk as he had.  
  
He envied Rachel a bit. She could take some time off, while he himself was still too busy with the last legs of his show to let go completely. She didn’t seem to relax, though, but always seemed a bit tense. She was probably nervous about auditions, and Blaine shuddered at the thought that this was his future as well. It was one thing to go on auditions during college when it was just for extracurriculars or a side job. From now on, it would be his income, and failure would have worse consequences. Rachel seemed to have grasped this reality already.  
  
Kurt, of course, was ahead of them in that regard. The Picture of Dorian Gray opened belated at the end of June, rewrites and new choreography delaying the rehearsals. Blaine had considered skipping opening night. He could probably come up with an excuse. But Kurt had sat him down, asked him to come and see him. It was the first time in weeks that it felt like they were actually talking to each other, not just passing on pieces of information. How could he say no? How bad could it be?  
  
The answer was, pretty bad. Blaine had never felt lonelier than now, sitting in the audience, watching his husband acting cold and arrogant, seductive and destructive, all the time being reminded of Glenn propositioning him, making him feel worthless and dirty. It was a great show, from the casting to the music to the choreography. Still, Blaine wished he could be anywhere but here.  
  
But how could he put that into words, when he met Kurt right after the play, and he was just so… ecstatic, happy, beautiful like the crisp night of New Year’s Eve? Blaine couldn’t quite figure out the last time he’d looked so happy. Maybe when they’d won Nationals, but apart from that… He couldn’t think of anything.  
  
It was almost an out-of-body experience, standing beside his husband as he was congratulated by his fellow cast members, how they gushed about the great production team, and what a success the show would be. It was like floating, like standing inside the ruins of Dalton. Everything about this evening screamed at him that he didn’t belong here.  
  
“Blaine, how lovely that you join us,” a voice said, tearing him out of his thoughts in the worst way possible.  
  
The hair on the back of his head stood up as he recognized the voice of Glenn. The man oozed closer, a smarmy grin on his face, as he bowed forward as if to kiss his cheeks. Blaine stepped back on instinct, glaring at the man.  
  
“Oh, don’t be like that,” Glenn said laughing. “Wasn’t the show great? Got yourself quite the actor there. Congratulations by the way, Kurt, you were amazing.”  
  
Kurt preened beside him, and Blaine felt sick.  
  
“You’re staying for the after-party, aren’t you boys?” Glenn asked.  
  
Just as Blaine wondered if he’d actually throw up, he spotted Jackie walking towards them. She looked at the scene, and quickly threw an arm around Glenn. “You were wonderful, Kurt,” she said, before nodding towards Blaine. “So lovely of you to come. Now, if you’d excuse us?” She dragged Glenn with her, not allowing a contradiction. At the far end of the corridor, Blaine could see her turning towards her partner, giving him what looked like harsh words.  
  
“What was that?” Kurt asked.  
  
Blaine stared at him in disbelief. What kind of question was that? But apparently, his husband really didn’t understand. Or maybe he just didn’t care,  
  
Kurt must have seen something in his face, though. “Are you okay?”  
  
“I… honestly don’t feel so good,” he said. It was barely a lie. “Would you mind if I leave early?”  
  
Kurt seemed disappointed, but nodded. “Do you want me to come with you?”  
  
The no was in his mind immediately, but he pushed the instinctive answer down, trying to think it through. What did he want? He definitely didn’t want to be here, and he didn’t want to be around Kurt right now either, not with how he was radiating with joy and pride over opening night, and ignored any blemishes. He wanted the last few months to not have happened. He wanted someone to be there, to ground him. But he knew that was not an option.  
  
“I think I want to be on my own,” he said eventually, “It feels like a migraine’s coming. Some dark and quiet… That would be nice.”  
  
Kurt frowned, and for once Blaine thought he might be actually seeing him. But then, Kurt just nodded. “I won’t be too long,” he promised, bowing forward to kiss his cheek.  
  
Blaine faked a smile, then excused himself and went to get his coat. Once he stepped into the cold night air, it almost felt like breathing.

* * *

  
The Picture of Dorian Gray was a raging success. The reviews were basically gushing about Jackie’s visions, the music and choreography, as well as the cast. Kurt was basking in it, reading every review he could find, sending some to his parents, and even framing one. Blaine couldn’t walk past it without feeling a sting. Burt and Carole even came to visit in order to see the show. Kurt had hoped Blaine would come with them, but once was more than enough to put himself through this, and besides, he was performing himself that night. They stayed long enough to see Jesus Christ Superstar, too, catching the last performance, which Kurt had to skip because of Dorian Gray. They must have noticed that there was some tension between them, but there was no time to discuss it.  
  
And then, Jesus Christ Superstar was over, and Blaine wasn’t quite sure what to do with his time. He had longed for some free time, but now that he had it, he only wanted to get busy again. Kurt was still ridiculously busy with Dorian Gray, so Blaine spent too much time sitting in the loft on his own. It was too frustrating. So, it was the smart thing to fire up his laptop to try and find some audition he could go to. Checking Facebook for just a second was basically inevitable.  
  
Cooper had posted a few pictures under the title moving day. Blaine frowned, and stared to look through them. He froze when he saw just who was moving. The next second, he’d taken out his phone and called his brother.  
  
Cooper sounded way too cheerful when he answered. “Hey, how you doing? Is New York still standing?”  
  
“What. The. Hell?” Blaine asked.  
  
A moment of silence, and when Cooper spoke again, he had the decency to at least sound a bit embarrassed.  
  
“Soooo… did you happen to see Facebook lately?”  
  
“He’s moving in with the guy?” Blaine asked, ignoring Cooper’s question. “They’ve been dating for like a month! You promised to look out for him! How is this not rushing into things?”  
  
“Oh, right, you didn’t even hear!” Cooper said, sounding relieved. “No, you’ve got it all wrong. It’s nothing like that. So there was some sort of gas leak in Seb’s apartment building. All the tenants had to leave, and when they tried to repair it, it turned out the whole system is so broken they have to exchange everything, so it will take forever. Well, Seb thinks it’s a scam, that they just want to get rid of all the tenants so they can rent it out at higher price. Anyway, his roommate moved in with her boyfriend, and that Jackson guy offered Seb to come live with him. That’s just for convenience, not because he’s so in love or something. Don’t worry.”  
  
“I’m not worried,” Blaine protested. “Why would I be worried?”  
  
There was a pause. “I meant don’t worry about him moving too fast,” Cooper said. “What else would you worry about, as his _friend_? And, you know, being _married_?”  
  
Blaine felt the blood rush to his face. How could Cooper see through him like that? He usually wasn’t that observant, and now they were only on the phone… Or was he just _that_ obvious? That might explain his marriage troubles…  
  
“But seriously,” Cooper said, “I’ve seen the guy, I’ve seen Seb around the guy. As your brother, let me tell you. _Don’t worry_.”  
  
Before Blaine could figure out what the hell that was supposed to mean, Cooper had excused himself. So here he was again, alone with his thoughts. Even as he wished for any distraction, his phone rang again. He looked at it, on some level expecting it to be Sebastian.  
  
It was Rachel.  
  
“What are you doing right now?”  
  
“Pondering my life choices?” he replied, surprised at how accurate that was.  
  
“Well, you can do that later. I have an audition for us,” she said. She was giddy, but there was an undertone he couldn’t quite make out.  
  
“For the two of us?” he asked. “What is it? How did you hear about it?”  
  
“Do you remember Jesse’s friend Robb? He’s directing something, Jesse is helping him – like his first co-production, I’m _so _proud of him. Robb thinks I might be a good fit for the lead role, and Jesse and I both think you’d be amazing as the male lead. So, can you meet us at the theater in an hour to audition? I promise it’s something you’d be just perfect for.”  
  
He had to admit that Rachel usually had a good eye for roles. The Les Mis production had been successful, whereas she definitely had advised Kurt against the Werther production. Still…  
  
“What about Kurt?”  
  
“What about him?” Rachel asked, too quickly.  
  
“Why wouldn’t you tell him about the audition?” Blaine asked. After all, she was closer to his husband, and Dorian Gray wouldn’t run forever.  
  
“He isn’t really a good fit for the role. This isn’t about doing a favor. I need Blaine Warbler for this. Besides, he’ll be busy with Dorian Gray for a long while. He said they’re already talking about an extended run.” She was talking fast, as if she was feeling guilty about something, but he couldn’t figure out what it was.  
  
“Please, Blaine, don’t make me beg,” Rachel said. “This is going to be my first play after graduation. My return to the stage, basically. And… I need you. So will you trust me? Just this once?”  
  
Blaine thought about it. There wasn’t really a reason to decline the audition, even if he felt a bit annoyed about her secrecy. But with his personal life turning into more and more of a mess, his college life over, and no current show, he could really use something new.  
  
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll do it.”  
  
Rachel squealed. “I’ll text you the address! You will not regret this,” she said.  
  
He wasn’t quite sure of that. But he was willing to take the risk. Besides, he didn’t really have a reason not to trust her.  
  
He met Rachel in front of the theater and found her beyond nervous. He wondered just how much this meant to her.  
  
“What do you want do audition with?” she asked.  
  
“You know this would be easier if you just told me what I’m even auditioning for,” Blaine said, his tone light and teasing. She clearly wasn’t in the mood for it, so he relented. “Depending on what kind of song they want, I’ve been thinking Heaven on their minds, or Maria. Any advice?”  
  
“Maria,” Rachel said immediately. “Something heartfelt,” she added after a few seconds, “that’s exactly what you should do.”  
  
Before he could ask anything else, they were already greeted by Jesse and Robb, and led inside into a room. It was one of the smaller auditoriums, with only a few dozen seats. To his surprise, Blaine noticed there was nobody else here. He wasn’t sure whether that was a good sign or not.  
  
“Let’s get right to it,” Robb said. “Blaine, right? Take the stage. What will you be singing?”  
  
Blaine gave them the song, as he walked up to the stage. He shot Rachel a last look, only to find her smiling back encouragingly. For a moment, he closed his eyes, and then, he began.  
  
As far as West Side Story went, he’d always felt more comfortable with the restless, hopeful energy of Something’s Coming, and had only chosen Maria as a more heartfelt song. Still, he threw everything into it, heart, and emotion, and the memory of the thrill of blossoming love. Singing the last notes, he let them sink in, staying in pose, until Jesse broke the silence.  
  
“See? Did I promise too much?”  
  
Robb looked at him skeptically. “That was pretty good,” he admitted. “But I told you, Jesse. I need chemistry. Rachel is good, but if she’s taking the lead, we need a guy she has chemistry with.”  
  
“And I told you, not a problem,” Jesse said.  
  
Robb frowned at Jesse, but then he shrugged. “Only one way to find out,” he said. “Rachel? Would you mind?”  
  
She got up and joined him on the stage. Blaine looked at her, trying to figure out just what was happening right now. This was not a normal audition, he knew as much. But she was avoiding his eyes, focusing on Robb.  
  
“What would you like?” Rachel asked.  
  
“Tonight, if you please,” Robb said.  
  
Blaine’s eyes widened as the pieces fell into place.  
  
West Side Story. How had he not seen this coming?  
  
Finally, Rachel met his eyes. It was written all over her face, as she tried to suppress guilt, but at the same time was silently pleading him to go along. He nodded barely perceptibly.  
  
They had spent so many hours rehearsing this song. Stepping back into it was familiar, like the weight of the Dalton blazer, and easier than he had expected. The song was over before he even knew it, and the next thing he knew, they were waiting outside so Robb and Jesse could talk things through.  
  
Rachel at least had the decency to look guilty.   
  
“You could have told me it’s West Side Story,” Blaine said.  
  
“I was worried you might just decline if you knew,” Rachel said. “But… I need this to be great. I need my Tony.”  
  
Blaine shook his head. “None of this was necessary,” he said. “You could have just come out with the truth.”  
  
“Could I?” Rachel asked. “Because I know you’ve got this weird hang-up about West Side Story back in high school. It’s why you didn’t do Marius back then. I thought if I told you, you’d just say you can’t do it.”  
  
Blaine opened his mouth to deny it, but once he thought about it, he wasn’t so sure. He had loved the production, but looking back, he sometimes wondered if he really should have taken the role. But that was a completely different situation. This was a professional production, not high school. Besides, he wasn’t in direct competition with Kurt, who was too busy with his own role anyway. Just thinking of that left a bitter taste in his mouth.  
  
But what would Kurt think if he took this role? Would it be a reminder of high school?  
  
Would he even care?  
  
The door opened, and Robb and Jesse walked out, the latter with a smile so broad it looked painful. Robb looked him over, and then, he nodded.  
  
“So, I guess welcome to the crew,” he said.  
  
Rachel gasped beside him, and for a moment, Blaine didn’t feel he floor under his feet. He hadn’t made a decision yet, but it had to come now. Could he take this role? Kurt had assured him back then that he was proud, and Blaine had believed him. But it didn’t fit with the bitterness that had come up when they both auditioned for Marius. Shouldn’t he at least _talk_ to his husband about this?  
  
But why should he show consideration for Kurt when choosing roles, when his husband clearly wasn’t extending the same courtesy for him? If Kurt could take a role from _Glenn_, what obligation did Blaine have to spare his feelings? He thought of Dorian Gray, and Marius, about opening night at Urinetown, about the fight over Sebastian’s number, about all the many ways his life could have gone…  
  
He smiled, squeezing Rachel’s hand in his, as he faced Robb. “Thank you. I can’t wait.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another super late chapter, due to stupid boys not doing what I want them to do. Except Cooper. How is Cooper the most reliable character?

* * *

By the time Blaine returned to the loft, it still didn’t feel real. He’d heard a lot more details from Robb about the whole production – a slightly modernized version of the classic Westside Story, including two new original songs, with a producing team in the background that seemed to have every step planned out. Casting would continue for the next few weeks, but he and Rachel were both advised to start rehearsing as soon as possible. Right out of college, it was a dream role. He should be on Cloud Nine.  
  
And he was. Almost. If only he could ignore the little voice at the back of his mind, nagging him that he’d have to tell his husband eventually. That would be later, of course. When he came back to the loft, Kurt was already at the theater, preparing for tonight’s performance. Blaine wondered whether he’d get away with pretending to be asleep by the time Kurt returned, but he rejected that plan. He didn’t have to hide anything. He could be proud of himself for landing this role, and he was just about ready to _dare_ Kurt to say anything else. That might lead to a fight, but at least it would be communication…  
  
He spent the next hours calling friends – catching up with Sam back in Ohio, giving the news to Tina, and eventually calling Cooper. By the time he got his brother off the phone, it was only short while of wondering if he should text Sebastian, until he could hear his husband arrive.  
  
Blaine looked up at Kurt, and for a second, he felt pushed back in time. He could see the boy he’d been, the high school senior, waiting for him with a bouquet of red and yellow roses, looking at him with pride, and congratulating him. It hadn’t been that long ago, and still, for the first time he could see the changes in Kurt. It wasn’t so much actual features, except for a few sharper edges – the difference was more in the straight line of his back, the square shoulders, the way he held his head up high. Proud, and strong, truly inhabiting every inch of space he was occupying. Kurt had grown into himself. Blaine wondered if he himself ever had that kind of self-confidence. Maybe back at Dalton, although he had lost it long before he’d lost his refuge. Not his only refuge though, and his thoughts wandered to the piece of paper, hidden better now in a picture frame showing the warblers.  
  
They had come a long way since high school. Maybe a bit too far.  
  
“Is everything okay?” Kurt asked, walking closer.  
  
Blaine shook his head. “It’s nothing. I was just… thinking.”  
  
Kurt sat down at the far end of the couch, raising an eyebrow as if he was waiting for an explanation.  
  
“Just random nostalgia,” Blaine said.  
  
In a polite conversation, this was the point where he was supposed to ask about the performance and how things went before talking about the developments on his side. For a moment, his manners battled his intense dislike for all things Dorian Gray, eventually arriving at a compromise.  
  
“How was your day? I haven’t seen you since you got up.”  
  
“Oh, you know, mostly choreography lessons. That slipped a bit,” Kurt said, “and Jackie invited the main cast to a meeting. She has plans on expanding the show, she’s talking to people in a few other cities. Some of them are still hesitant, so she’s considering doing a tour. Anyway, what about you? Did you get anything done today?”  
  
“Actually yes,” Blaine said. “I went to an audition with Rachel this afternoon.”  
  
Kurt looked genuinely surprised. “Strange. I saw her yesterday, she didn’t mention anything,” he said. “So how did it go?”  
  
“I got the part,” Blaine said. “We both did. Well, Rachel already had it. But we’ll perform together – lead together.” He hesitated just long enough to tell himself there was no reason for hesitation. “It’s West Side Story.”  
  
For a second, Kurt just stared at him with slightly widened eyes, surprised, but in a way he couldn’t read. Then, there was the last thing he had expected.  
  
A smile started to grow on Kurt’s face, getting wide to the point it looked almost painful, his eyes sparkling. “That’s _amazing_! Congratulations!”  
  
It was everything he should have hoped for. Happiness, excitement, maybe even pride. It was the perfect reaction. And Blaine…  
  
He had no idea how to take it. As Kurt came closer and hugged him, he had barely enough presence of mind to return the gesture. He should be happy, relieved that his husband wasn’t upset. Instead, he felt more confused than he had when Rachel had sprung the audition on him.  
  
“That’s the perfect play for you. The both of you. For Rachel to return with such a classic, after the Funny Girl disaster… that’s such a strong gesture. And it’s an amazing opportunity for you right out of college.”  
  
Kurt was talking fast, his excitement shining through, and…  
  
It didn’t make any sense. He had thought Kurt would be upset, be reminded of high school and the mess that had been… But then again, happiness was the reaction one should have when their spouse got great news like this. Why was it so surprising? Did he understand Kurt at all?  
  
“You’re not… you don’t mind? That it’s Tony?” he asked.  
  
Kurt looked at him with a frown. “Why would I? I mean… this is great news.”  
  
“You know… _Tony_…” To his own surprise, Blaine couldn’t put into words what he had thought. “It was such a mess back at McKinley… You were so upset back then.”  
  
Kurt looked at him as if he was insane. “That was years ago, and I wasn’t upset with you. I was upset that Artie refused to see anything beside his particular cookie cutter vision. But you were amazing, and I was so proud of your performance…” He shook his head, smiling as if it was a complete ridiculous idea. “Don’t tell me you were worried about that?”  
  
Blaine looked down. He had been so sure it would be a problem. Had it all been in his head? What other things had he been building up without any base in reality? Was that the reason their communication was such a mess? Maybe the problem was him, all in his head.  
  
“It also comes at a great time. If Jackie’s plans work out, and she can get Dorian Gray out in different cities, it’ll give us even more of a boost. Wouldn’t that be amazing, both of our careers taking off at the same time?”  
  
Oh, right. Not _everything_ was in his head. But still, he wondered whether he’d become uncharitable. Maybe the whole Dorian Gray thing had changed something within him, made him assume the worst intentions. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt their marriage if he tried to go for a more positive interpretation. So he smiled, and listened, and answered questions about the West Side Story project. But even as he tried, he didn’t know himself how much of it was real and how much was keeping up pretenses. When they went to bed together, the space between them still felt like an unbreachable gulf, and for the first time he wondered just how he was supposed to cross it on his own. 

* * *

  
As the days went on, the question became more prominent in Blaine’s mind. He tried to be more charitable, sure, but he still couldn’t listen to stories about Dorian Gray without feeling hurt. He could have said something, but he still felt Kurt should know better than bring it up. Unfortunately, his husband seemed to think now that Blaine had gotten Tony, it meant that the whole Dorian Gray mess was fine.  
  
As hard as it was to admit, they had fallen out of synch, and West Side Story couldn’t serve as a distraction yet, the main casting still going on and expected to take a few weeks. There was only so many times he could go through One Hand One Heart with Rachel before they both went crazy. He managed to squeeze in a few more dance lessons to get fitter for the role, but that too couldn’t fill his days. He could have managed to coordinate those better so he and Kurt could see each other more often. But his husband had taken to accompany Jackie on some of her meetings, discussing her plans of bringing Dorian Gray to other cities, and just the thought of it made Blaine angry. Wasn’t it bad enough that Kurt had taken a role from them? Did he really have to insert himself further into their production firm?  
  
It was frustrating. For just a short while Blaine had thought he would be happy, that things were turning around. Instead, he started feeling worse. Or maybe it was his perception that had darkened.  
  
Kurt was out with Jackie again, the plans for a short tour becoming more precise. Blaine knew that she was discussing with her sponsors about which cities to go to, taking just the core cast for a week and a half, to perform a skimmed down version of the show in four cities. Kurt had even asked him if he wanted to join him, with the tour planned for the last week before West Side Story rehearsals would start.  
  
Just thinking of that conversation brought back the anger, and so maybe his mood wasn’t the best when he heard his phone going off, his brother’s picture on the display.  
  
“What do you want, Cooper?”  
  
“Can’t I call my brother just to talk to him?” Cooper’s outrage was so strong that Blaine almost could have believed it.  
  
“You can, you just usually don’t,” Blaine said. “Is everything okay with your show?”  
  
“Ripper is going to be insane,” Cooper said, “but no, that’s not it. I’m kind of worried about Sebastian. Have you been talking to him lately?”  
  
Blaine bit his lower lip. He wasn’t sure how to answer that. The truth was that he hadn’t been talking to Sebastian in quite a while. It just felt strange to talk to him now that he was dating this Jackson guy. He wasn’t even sure himself why it felt so awkward. A part of it was probably that he had found out about the whole thing via Facebook, and Sebastian’s texts in answer had been short, slightly terse. Then, there’d been the whole West Side Story non-drama, and his attempts to see the best in his marriage, as well as trying to stay busy. Looking back, it had been several weeks since he’d had the last real conversation with Sebastian. It wasn’t a completely unusual length of time, except for the fact that they weren’t texting either.  
  
“I’ll take your prolonged silence as a no,” Cooper said, “but I’ll save the ‘you’re an idiot’ for some other time.”  
  
“You must be _really_ worried, then,” Blaine said. “Why? What happened?”  
  
A sigh, before Cooper answered. “He’s been really strange. He’s barely coming over, like whenever I come up with plans, he’s suddenly busy with Jackson.”  
  
“Maybe he doesn’t like your plans,” Blaine suggested.  
  
“That’s what he keeps saying, but that hasn’t stopped him from coming in the past,” Cooper said. “But now he’s almost avoiding me. And when I see him, he’s super irritated. Like he’s always on the edge. But when I ask him if he’s okay, he basically blows up. So obviously, something’s going on.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. “You don’t know if that’s about the guy,” he said. Somehow, he didn’t get the word boyfriend over his lips.  
  
“I don’t know because he won’t talk to me. And that’s where you come in. It’s high time you get over whatever hang-up you have and talk to him. There’s no way he’ll blow _you_ off.”  
  
“Look, relationships are kind of a… difficult subject between us,” Blaine said.  
  
Cooper sighed. “Trust me, I know. But this is your friend, and I think he needs to talk someone. So what are you going to do?”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. They both knew what he was going to do.  
  
“I’ll talk to him,” he said.  
  
“Thank you,” Cooper said. “I’ve got to go, but… keep me updated?”  
  
“No promises,” Blaine said. “Talk to you soon.”  
  
He hadn’t said when, but now he was getting concerned himself. After a dozen attempts of wording a text message, Blaine got frustrated. How hard could it be to ask a simple question? They were friends, after all. And the more he procrastinated, the more frustrated he would get. Instead, he typed a quick message – “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while… are you okay?” – and waited for a reply. It took only a few seconds until the checkmarks turned blue, and then Sebastian was typing something. Blaine waited for the message, but it didn’t come. It still showed Sebastian was typing, as if he too was rewording his message again and again. Or maybe he was just in the process of writing half a novel…  
  
He put his phone to the side, as if that would speed up the process. He had just finished pouring a cup of coffee, when he heard the notification. He walked over, not expecting something very elaborate beyond an opening to deepen the conversation.  
  
He was wrong. Sebastian _had_ written a novel.  
  
_Is this some sort of joke? Have you been talking to that idiot brother of yours? There’s nothing going on, there’s nothing wrong with me, and the next person asking me if I’m fucking okay will get their drink dumped into their face, and god, I hope it’s scalding coffee because I’m DONE with this bs._  
  
Blaine stared at his phone for what felt like forever. He hadn’t expected this. At least he had his answer now – _obviously_ Sebastian was _not_ okay, and if Blaine had been a better friend, maybe he wouldn’t have needed Cooper of all people to point it out to him. He knew he had to answer, but he didn’t even know where to start.  
  
His phone started ringing in his hands, an image of Sebastian in his Dalton uniform covering the display. Well, at least he wouldn’t have to start now.  
  
“Hey,” he said, answering the phone.  
  
“Um… hey,” Sebastian said. He sounded unsettled. Nervous even. “So… I guess there isn’t a chance you didn’t actually read any of that.”  
  
“Zero,” Blaine said. He waited for a bit, wondering if an explanation would come. When it didn’t, he spoke again. “So… what _was _that?”  
  
Sebastian sighed, and Blaine could imagine how he was pinching his nose right now. “Look, this… it’s not about you, okay?”  
  
“Yeah, I got that. Just… what’s going on?.”  
  
“Maybe I’m just tired of everybody and their brother asking me if I’m okay,” Sebastian replied.  
  
“Cooper says you’ve been… different,” Blaine said.  
  
“Cooper is a child that can’t stand not to be at the center of attention for a moment. Did it ever occur to him that I might have other things to do at the moment then listen to his nonsense?” Sebastian bit back.  
  
Blaine felt his eyebrows rise. That was new. He had gotten used to the way Sebastian talked about Cooper – exasperated and irritated, yes, but always with an underlying fondness. This sounded different.  
  
Apparently, he had been silently thinking about it just long enough for Sebastian to start talking again.  
  
“There’s nothing wrong, okay? I just have a lot going on. Turns out law school is actually hard work. And this whole living-together thing isn’t exactly easy either.”  
  
“How’s that going?” Blaine asked. He wasn’t sure how much Sebastian would share, but this was probably as much of an opening as he would get.  
  
His answer was a groan. “It’s not… I don’t know. I thought I could live with people. It worked fine at Dalton, and I never had a problem with Cassie. I actually thought I was a clean person. I mean, compared with some of the guys at Dalton. Or Cooper. Even _Cassie_. And suddenly, I’m apparently some sort of slob for not wiping down the shower the second I’m done?”  
  
Blaine snorted. “That bad?”  
  
“Also, I’m apparently not folding the towels right.”  
  
“Does he get upset if you want to change just one tiny thing about the apartment, too?” Blaine asked.  
  
“So you know this?” Sebastian asked. “It’s not just me, I’m not going crazy here, right?”  
  
Blaine chuckled. “If you take me as a reference, then yes, you’re normal. When I first moved into the loft with Kurt, it didn’t go smoothly either. Granted, Rachel was living there too, and Sam was crashing on our couch for months, so that was stressful too….”  
  
“Was that a different loft?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“Nope. The one in Bushwick we’re still living in,” Blaine said. There was a bitterness in his voice that surprised him.  
  
“You don’t have walls,” Sebastian said, his voice sounding skeptical. “Are you seriously telling me you moved in with your boyfriend plus two roommates and there were no walls?”  
  
“Of course not,” Blaine said. “That would be moving in with my fiancé, plus two roommates, and no walls.”  
  
For a moment, there was silence. Blaine could almost see it in front of his eyes, Sebastian blinking in confusion, a strained smile appearing on his face as if he was talking to a crazy person.  
  
“How on earth was there no bloodshed?” he asked eventually.  
  
The laughter got stuck in Blaine’s throat. “Well… it didn’t exactly work out perfectly,” he said. “Living together wasn’t easy. I thought his rules for everything were too strict. He thought I was too clingy. It was… difficult.”  
  
When Sebastian spoke, his voice sounded hesitant. “So… how did you deal with it? How did you work it out?”  
  
“I moved out,” Blaine said. As he closed his eyes, he was suddenly overwhelmed with the memories. It had been his decision to leave, of course, but it had been hard. Dragging up that memory still was painful. “Sam and I got a place – well, with Mercedes, she stayed in New York for a bit – and we got some distance. It worked out better. Not perfect, though.”  
  
“So how did you resolve everything when you moved back together?” Sebastian asked.  
  
Blaine closed his eyes, trying to stop this trip down memory lane, but it was too late. “We didn’t. That’s when Kurt broke things off.”  
  
“Oh.” A moment of silence, then… “Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up bad memories.”  
  
“Not your fault,” Blaine said. “And I guess we did eventually figure out living together. I just couldn’t tell you how.”  
  
“Right,” Sebastian said.  
  
“Though to be fair, maybe it was a mistake moving in together right after I came to New York,” Blaine said. “I had no experience on living alone, and I guess I leaned too much on Kurt. Sometimes distance isn’t the worst thing.”  
  
“Amen to that,” Sebastian muttered. “But taking back a step isn’t really an option. I don’t think I’ll ever get back into my old apartment, and even if, Cassie seems pretty happy with her new living arrangements.”  
  
“You could get a different roommate,” Blaine said, “although it would probably take a really sensitive conversation to explain it to your boyfriend.”  
  
He could hear the eyeroll on the other end. “I’m not moving in with some stranger, and none of my friends needs a roommate at the moment.”  
  
“Not sure if it helps, but Cooper would be over the moon if you moved in with him,” Blaine said.  
  
Another moment of silence. “Let’s say… it doesn’t help.”  
  
This time, Blaine wasn’t going to let it go. “Okay, what’s going on? Why are you so weird about Cooper? Did something happen? Did he do something stupid?”  
  
“Wha… no. I mean, yes, he’s Cooper, but… nothing out of the ordinary,” Sebastian said. He groaned, and Blaine really wished he could see him right now. “He hasn’t done anything. But you have to admit, he’s an acquired taste. And right now, I’d like to reduce the contact between him and Jackson.  
  
And suddenly, things fell into place. “Is Jackson… _jealous_? Of Cooper?”  
  
“Ugh… I… guess. Kind of. It’s a bit more than that, but… yeah, part of it is jealousy. Which is ridiculous, of course. Your brother is _so _not my type.”  
  
“He says you hit on him when you first met,” Blaine said, trying to suppress a smirk.  
  
“Well, yes, but then he opened his mouth,” Sebastian said. “Anyway, Jackson has some… issues. About Cooper.”  
  
“You don’t seem like the type who lets their boyfriend dictate who they can hang out with,” Blaine said. “Honestly, you’re more the type to walk out if something like that came out.”  
  
“It’s not… he doesn’t say I can’t hang out with Cooper. I’m just trying to avoid getting psycho-analyzed,” Sebastian said.  
  
“I… don’t understand,” Blaine said.  
  
“As I said, it’s a bit more complicated. Anyway, I still have the hope that Jackson will calm the fuck down so things will get to some sort of normal. If not…” He sighed. “I don’t know. It’s just… frustrating. Jackson thinks he has to break out his one semester psychology class at every opportunity, Cooper acts like I’m being locked away in an ivory tower, and I thought one more person asking me if I’m okay and I’ll throw my notebook out of the window.”  
  
“Oh. You didn’t, though?”  
  
Sebastian snorted. “I managed to stop myself,” he said. When he continued, there was a hint of hesitation in his voice. “It would be nice not to have another person starting to analyze my every move. Like… one person I can just talk to.”  
  
“I can do that,” Blaine said, answering the unspoken question.  
  
“Cool,” Sebastian said. “So, um… what’s been going on with you? I feel like I haven’t heard from you in ages.”  
  
“Did Cooper mention anything?” Blaine asked.  
  
“He kept telling me stop being an idiot and ask you myself,” Sebastian said. “So… there’s something to tell?”  
  
Blaine felt the smile spread over his face. “You could say that…”

* * *

  
It was way too early in the morning when Kurt had to leave for his tour. If he was completely honest, Blaine was kind of relieved that he could stay in bed and doze for a bit longer. When he had offered to bring Kurt to the airport, his husband had declined immediately. Jackie was going to have him picked up along with some other cast members, and there probably wouldn’t even be a free seat for Blaine to pointlessly accompanying him. But even as Blaine snuggled back under his blanket, he thought it would probably worth getting up at this hour if they were as close as they had been.  
  
Instead, Blaine slept through half the morning before starting what was supposed to be a lazy day. But whatever he was doing, Kurt’s absence was as loud as a drum. The loft seemed emptier, colder than ever without the one person loving it. Just sitting inside this space, he still hadn’t learned to feel home in, Blaine felt like he was getting stir-crazy.  
  
Once more, it was Cooper’s ringtone saving him from going crazy.  
  
“Hey, how’s my favorite brother doing?” Cooper asked.  
  
“Great,” Blaine lied, “what do you want this time?”  
  
“You’re so suspicious,” Cooper said. “I seriously only want good things for you, like the amazing brother that I am. And since you mentioned your husband abandoned you for a tour that is so disappointing that they’re not even visiting Los Angeles, I figured I should step up and save you from your boredom.”  
  
Blaine frowned, trying to keep up with the sentence. “Should I be worried?”  
  
“Of course not. I just figured you should get some time to relax and decompress before you start rehearsals, so I bought you plane tickets to LA. Your flight’s tomorrow, I’m picking you up at the airport. Surprise!”  
  
“What?!” Blaine sometimes wished he could understand what on earth was going on in Cooper’s head. “Wait… you just got me plane tickets?”  
  
“Sending them to your email right now,” Cooper said.  
  
“What if I had plans?”  
  
“Do you?” Cooper replied.  
  
Blaine paused. He really couldn’t say that he had. It still didn’t change that he felt completely steam rolled.  
  
“Why?” he asked, eventually.  
  
Now, Cooper was the one to pause. When he spoke, he sounded serious. “Just… can you come? Please? I’ll explain when you’re here.”  
  
As much as Blaine wanted an explanation, he realized that Cooper was serious about this. Something was going on, something important. For a second, his thoughts flashed to Sebastian. Either way, Cooper needed him, and there was only one possible answer.  
  
“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how everyone is worried about Sebastian. I’m not among these people, because god, has he been driving me crazy this chapter. There was supposed to be a brief mention of his backstory, but no, Monsieur needs a whole chapter for that, then he refuses to tell anything, leading to another bout of writer’s block, and once I get into writing, he will not come to an end. Then Blaine comes in because he has like lots of feelings, guys, okay? And suddenly the chapter stands at… about 8k words? These boys, I swear…

* * *

Blaine arrived at LAX almost too tired to walk. Cooper had booked him a flight way too early, and combined with two nights of very little sleep, Blaine was kind of surprised he’d made it to the airport and the plane without incident. When he looked around the arrival hall, it didn’t take him long to find Cooper, holding a ridiculous sign. He was alone.  
  
Blaine stumbled forwards to let his brother hug him, take over the little luggage he had and lead him to the parking area. At least Cooper had been considerate enough to get him coffee, but it didn’t help much in waking Blaine up. Cooper kept chatting through the drive to his apartment, and Blaine pretended to listen, nodding whenever there was a pause, and trying not to fall asleep.  
  
“So, I hope it’s okay for you to crash on the couch?” Cooper asked.  
  
This actually got Blaine’s attention. “What’s wrong with the guest room?”   
  
“Well… technically not a guest room anymore,” Cooper said. “I’ve got a roommate.”  
  
Blaine felt cold all of a sudden, and his exhaustion was replaced with a fearful alertness. _Sebastian_. “What happened?” he asked. “Is he okay?”  
  
Cooper sighed, shooting glances at him in between looking at the traffic. “Well, a few days ago he stood in front of my door and asked if he could crash for a bit. He and that Jackson guy broke up – which yeah, probably for the best – but from what I’ve seen, he’s not exactly taking it well.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes, trying to process the information. Not exactly taking it well… that had to be an understatement, if Cooper thought it necessary to fly him in. After their phone call, he wasn’t completely surprised that their relationship hadn’t lasted. Still, this was new territory for Sebastian, who didn’t have any other relationship experience, and first heartbreaks were a special pain…   
  
“How bad is it?” he asked.  
  
Cooper sighed. “He spends his time studying, moping or finding someone to hook up. Like, a lot. It’s kind of impressive. But… he doesn’t seem… _okay_, you know? Not like it’s fun. And since he won’t talk to me… I just thought maybe you can help him. That’s okay, right?”  
  
Blaine sank back into his seat. “Of course,” he said.   
  
When they arrived at the apartment, Blaine left Cooper to take care of his luggage, and went straight into the other room. The curtains were drawn, keeping most of the sun out. Sebastian was lying on the bed, the covers pulled up only revealing the back of his head. His clothes were scattered over the floor. Blaine noticed a bucket standing beside the bed but was relieved to find it empty. With a sigh, he sat down at the bedside. Absent-mindedly, he put a hand on where Sebastian’s shoulder should be. Just as he was wondering whether to wake his friend, Sebastian spoke.  
  
“I’m still alive, so get lost.”   
  
Blaine bit his lips but stayed where he was.  
  
Sebastian groaned. “So not the Anderson I want in my bed,” he muttered.  
  
He couldn’t stop himself from grinning now. “Is that so? You want me to get Cooper?”  
  
Sebastian froze under his hand, and then turned around, staring at him in disbelief.  
  
“Of course, if you’re talking about Dad, I’ll have to disappoint you,” Blaine continued, “though I think Mom might be game…”  
  
He kept his tone light, even as his heart grew heavy. Sebastian looked exhausted. There were shadows under his eyes, his hair was messed in a way that shouldn’t look as gorgeous as it did. He still looked at Blaine barely believing. Altogether, it made him look young and vulnerable in a way that he wasn’t sure he could handle.   
  
“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked. His voice sounded rough.  
  
“I’m staying for a few days before rehearsals start,” he said, avoiding the question. “How are you holding up?”  
  
Sebastian snorted. “Cooper didn’t give you the picture?”  
  
“I want to hear from you,” Blaine replied.  
  
“Tough luck, because I don’t want to talk about it,” Sebastian said.  
  
Blaine hummed. “That’s okay. I’m here anyway. We can talk when you’re ready.”  
  
Sebastian looked at him skeptically, and Blaine wondered if he’d come on too strong, just assuming it was a question of when, not if. For a moment they were both silent, and Blaine had to suppress a yawn.   
  
“What time is it anyway?” Sebastian asked eventually.  
  
“Almost eleven. So, you know, really time to get up,” Blaine said.  
  
“When the hell did you get up to be here this early?” Sebastian asked.  
  
“Basically in the middle of the night,” Blaine admitted. “But it’s good to be here.”  
  
Sebastian hummed, then let his head sink into the pillow again. Blaine was about to comment, when he was pulled down onto the mattress.   
  
“Not going to look up at you for the whole conversation,” Sebastian muttered.  
  
“You could sit up,” Blaine suggested.  
  
Sebastian snorted. “That is _so_ not going to happen,” he said, “besides, you looked like you were about to pass out.”  
  
Blaine thought of protesting for a moment, but in truth he really was too exhausted to argue much. The mattress was just soft enough to be inviting, a world of difference from a plane seat, or even his bed back at New York.  
  
“Besides,” Sebastian said, “we’ll need to gather a bit more strength if we have to deal with your mother hen of a brother.”  
  
“He worries about you,” Blaine said. “As do I.”  
  
Sebastian sighed. “Don’t worry your pretty little head over it, I’m fine. I won’t be broken over a second-rate wannabe psychoanalyst like Jackson.”   
  
There was just a bit too much bitterness in his voice to make it believable, but Blaine knew better than to argue his point now. Instead, he let his head rest beside Sebastian’s for just a moment, and maybe if he closed his eyes just for a second… The room was warm, he could feel Sebastian close to him, and it was comfortable, and surely just for a few moments…  
  
A soft chuckle woke him up from his dozing. Slowly, his surroundings came back. He was still on Cooper’s guest bed, but now there was a blanket thrown over him. Sebastian was lying there, facing him, his eyes closed, and his posture relaxed. He was close enough that their foreheads almost touched. Blaine felt himself smile at the image. It was rare to see Sebastian without his guard up, reminded him of early morning phone calls.   
  
“Not that you’re not making a pretty picture, but are you seriously going to sleep the whole day?”  
  
Blaine felt himself jerk back as if he’d been burnt. He turned to the door to find Cooper leaning against it, smirking at them even wider once he noticed his reaction.  
  
“Come on, get up,” his brother said. “Wake sleeping beauty there – just no tongue please – and get in here, lunch is ready.”  
  
“Did you cook?” Blaine asked, trying to fight down a blush.  
  
“Take-out,” Cooper replied. “Hurry up before it gets cold. Or I’ll eat everything, and I don’t think either of us could live with having my swimsuit body on our conscience.”  
  
With a wave, Cooper turned around and walked out of the room. Blaine looked after him, wondering if there even was anything that could be said to this. Behind him, he could hear Sebastian sitting up, putting all of his confusion in one single word.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Cooper,” he replied, as if that explained everything. In a way it did. “I have a feeling we don’t want to know what he comes up with if he actually goes through with eating everything, though.”  
  
Sebastian sighed, and when Blaine looked over his shoulder, he saw him shaking his head. “Your brother is _insane_,” he almost growled. What was definitely a growl was the noise coming from his stomach, undercutting his words.  
  
“Come on,” Blaine said.   
  
Sebastian rolled his eyes, but finally got up out of bed. Blaine turned around as he put on sweatpants. Just as he was about to walk into the living room, he felt Sebastian step closer, although not quite close enough to touch.   
  
“Thanks,” he said. “You know. For coming.”  
  
Blaine turned his head and looked up. There was a hesitation in Sebastian’s face that he had only rarely seen in the past. Blaine felt his heart clench. He hated to see Sebastian like that, unsure of himself, hurt… He wondered if Cooper wasn’t overestimating his abilities to help with this. How could he even begin to cheer Sebastian up, help him return to himself?   
  
“Don’t mention it,” he said instead, dissolving the moment for now. “Come on, we have a Cooper to save.”  
  


* * *

  
  
Sebastian didn’t talk. It wasn’t really a surprise, not if Blaine was honest with himself. Of course, he would have loved to come here, get his friend alone for a moment, and just make him open up with everything that bothered him. The plan had never gotten to the part on how he was going to help once he knew everything, but as it turned out, he didn’t even get that far.  
  
He tried to tell himself he was helping. Like the first night when Sebastian didn’t insist to go out to some gay bar and get drunk to the point of not finding his way home, opting to stay in with the two of them. Or the next day when Sebastian actually got up at a sensible time and started studying for exams he had completely forgotten. Sometimes, he even caught Sebastian smiling, whether it was about Cooper’s insanity, or just about nothing. But there were other moments, other looks – wistful, uncertain, almost lost. When Blaine met his eyes, Sebastian would look away, and school his expression into painful neutrality.  
  
Blaine had been so certain that his friend would open up eventually, but the days passed by, and it didn’t happen. He knew his time was running out. He couldn’t stay here indefinitely. Rehearsals for West Side Story would start soon, and he’d have to return to New York. And still, there was a disconnect between them.  
  
Cooper seemed to be frustrated by it as well.   
  
“I really thought he’d open up to you,” he said the day Sebastian left to take his exam.   
  
“I just wish I could help him,” Blaine replied. He felt useless, and he hated it. What was he even good for? His husband was off on his tour without even calling, and his friend didn’t trust him enough to tell him what was going on.   
  
“He’s better,” Cooper said, although Blaine wasn’t sure how sincere it was, “but he’s not fine.”  
  
Sooner than he would have liked, his last night in Los Angeles had come. Fresh off his exam, Sebastian was too restless to stay in, and Cooper just happened to get them access to a new club. Blaine wasn’t too thrilled with the idea but agreed eventually.  
  
The club was different from what he was used to. Scandals, of course, couldn’t compete, but even in New York he hadn’t gotten much experience with night clubs. It had never been Kurt’s scene, and he barely had gotten to visit clubs with friends. La Fenice looked futuristic, as if it could be right out of star trek, and still didn’t seem nerdy. It was sleek, black and steel tones, disrupted by red and golden light. The drinks were a bit pricey, but Cooper seemed to feel generous.   
  
His brother seemed to feel right at home from the moment they stepped inside. They had barely arrived until the club welcomed him with open arms, and Blaine had barely turned around before his brother was already dancing with a tall blonde.   
  
“I seriously can’t believe this guy,” Sebastian said right into his ear. “Come on, we need a lot more to drink if we want to make it through this night.”  
  
“I’m so glad my flight’s only in the afternoon,” Blaine muttered as he followed Sebastian to the bar. It was a surprisingly short time until Sebastian put a golden drink into his hand. He took a sip, not sure what to expect. Different tastes hit his tongue. Sweetness, grounded by the warm taste of whiskey, brought together by the acidity of lemon.  
  
He looked up to Sebastian who was watching him carefully.   
  
“Good?” he asked.  
  
Blaine nodded, taking another sip.   
  
“I had a feeling,” Sebastian said, and there was once more that wistful look that Blaine didn’t know how to handle. “Whiskey sour. It’s a classic.”  
  
“So there are other drinks than Courvoisier?” Blaine asked, hoping for a smile, any sign of being able to cheer his friend up.  
  
Instead, Sebastian avoided his eyes. “Classics are classics for a reason,” he said.  
  
Blaine wasn’t sure what to say, wished desperately he could break through whatever this barrier was, whatever this Jackson guy had put between them. He couldn’t think of what to say, at least nothing that wouldn’t make Sebastian shut down even further.  
  
Sebastian watched him, and Blaine felt completely transparent. It didn’t help with his feeling of being useless. How could Sebastian look through him like he was made of glass, while he himself couldn’t get a read at all? What did this say about their friendship? Why would Sebastian even bother?  
  
He put the glass to his lips and started drinking, watching as Sebastian did the same. Someone pushed against him, trying to make their way through the club, and he almost stumbled until Sebastian stabilized him. He knew he should step back, but he stayed just where he was, as if the physical closeness could bridge the distance between them. Sebastian put a hand onto his shoulder, a warm point of contact between them. As the alcohol started to dissolve into his veins, Blaine knew that this was a bad idea. He pushed the thought aside, opting to take another sip.  
  
“Your brother is really popular here,” Sebastian said. “He found a redhead now.”  
  
“It’s a gift,” Blaine said.  
  
“Family trait?” Sebastian suggested.  
  
Blaine wanted to roll his eyes, but his voice didn’t sound nearly snarky enough for this to be a normal, flirty interaction. It sounded too raw, too honest.   
  
From time to time, Blaine noticed Sebastian glaring at someone close to them. At first, he thought it was someone he knew, but over time he realized that all those men seemed to be staring at him. He stepped closer, the hand Sebastian kept on his shoulder almost pulling him into some sort of half hug.  
  
With his next sip, he finished the drink. Sebastian had taken the empty glass out of his hands before he even gulped, putting it away on the bar behind him.   
  
“Come on. Clubs are not for talking,” Sebastian said, pulling him along onto the dance floor. Blaine wanted to protest, although he wasn’t quite sure what he was even going to say. Instead, he allowed Sebastian to lead them into the middle of the dance floor, plastering their bodies together and just move to the rhythm.  
  
It was easy this way, at least if he wasn’t thinking. They weren’t obscenely close, although a bit too close for strictly platonic friends. But dancing with Sebastian was different, safe and deliciously dangerous at the same time. He could feel the heat evaporating between them. In another time, another place… but no. They were here, in reality, and still Blaine couldn’t have stepped away. Not when for the first time he could feel the connection between them alive, pulsing, as if through dance Sebastian was able to express all the things his words couldn’t.   
  
It took him a few moments to realizes Sebastian had stopped moving. He pulled Blaine closer, while looking somewhere over his shoulder. Blaine managed to turn and see what was going on. There was a guy looking at them. Well, looking at Sebastian mostly. He was tall, broad-shouldered, with artfully tousled brunette hair. He was wearing a suit that only looked slightly out of place in the club. He was handsome, even as a million different expressions ran over his face. The way he looked at Sebastian.... Upset, annoyed, angry, and in some way hurt.  
  
“Really?” the guy asked, looking at Blaine in a way he couldn’t quite discern. “Isn’t he a bit young for your taste?”  
  
Frowning, Blaine turned to Sebastian. His face seemed frozen in an expression of fury. “Go to hell,” he replied, pulling Blaine even a bit closer. “This so doesn’t concern you.”  
  
“Who is he?” Blaine asked.  
  
Sebastian didn’t answer, but suddenly he realized he didn’t need to ask. It had to be Jackson.  
  
“I don’t know what exactly you think you’re proving here, but this isn’t going to make you feel better,” Jackson said.  
  
“Being not around you is going to be helpful,” Sebastian replied.   
  
“Come on, let’s just talk about this. I understand you’re trying to protect yourself, but this isn’t going to change anything. You can’t get better until you admit there is a problem.”  
  
Sebastian turned, as if to walk away. Through the haze of whiskey, Blaine mustered Jackson, trying to find a clue on what was going on. It made him miss his cue to follow Sebastian, causing the other man to pull at his wrist. “Blaine, come _on_!”  
  
“Wait, what?” Jackson asked. “_That’s _Blaine?”  
  
Before Blaine could even think of asking what that meant, Sebastian was pulling again, and he couldn’t think of a reason not to come with him. He just followed along as Sebastian dragged him across the dance floor, taking just the shortest break to retrieve their jackets before leading him outside. The night air was a harsh contrast to the heat inside and Blaine felt himself shudder, even as he hurried to put on his jacket. Sebastian barely waited before leading him to the taxi stand.   
  
“What are we doing?” he asked. “We can’t just leave.”  
  
“I’m _so_ not in the mood to dace anymore,” Sebastian replied. “You’re obviously free to go back.”  
  
“What about Cooper?” Blaine asked.  
  
“He seemed fine,” Sebastian said, but even as he dismissed him, he took out his phone and sent a text. “Anyway, I’m getting out of here. Do what you want.”  
  
As if there even was a choice. This might actually be his last chance to get Sebastian to open up. Maybe this encounter was just the thing to crack the shell and give him an opening… He had to take this chance, so when Sebastian stepped into a taxi, he once more followed.  
  
They had barely arrived at Cooper’s apartment when Sebastian made a beeline to the kitchen, rummaging through the cupboard and taking out a bottle with an amber filled liquid. Blaine found himself almost relieved that he had enough patience to fill a shot glass and not drinking directly from the bottle. He did think to intervene though once Sebastian started pouring a second shot.  
  
“Will you stop it already? What’s going _on _with you?” he asked. He stepped forward, putting a hand onto Sebastian’s hand. For a second his friend glared at him, before rolling his eyes and putting the bottle down.   
  
“Are you going to lecture me on healthy coping mechanisms? Because it’s so not too late to ditch you here and go somewhere else.”  
  
Blaine frowned. “That’s what he was talking about,” he said. “Just… I don’t get it. You say he doesn’t matter, but you’re clearly upset about this. We’re out having a good time, and he shows up and you’re… like _this_.”  
  
Sebastian snorted. “Good time? Right. I can honestly think of better things to do with my night than listening to bad covers and fighting off guys leering over you, especially if I don’t even get to reap the benefits. Unless you changed your mind about that?”  
  
It should hurt, Blaine guessed, but something softened the impact of his words, be it the alcohol in his blood or just how obvious it seemed that Sebastian was lashing out in pain. It was too easy to shrug off the words and focus on the man in front of him.  
  
“Stop,” he said. He put a hand on Sebastian’s upper arm, hoping to act as an anchor. “It’s okay to be hurting after a break-up. I get it, believe me, I’ve been there. Not many things suck as much as getting dumped. But you can’t give him control over you like that.”  
  
Sebastian blinked – and then he started laughing.   
  
Blaine waited, not sure what was so funny about what he said but waited patiently until Sebastian was willing to explain himself.  
  
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Sebastian said eventually. “And why does everybody think Jackson broke up with me?”  
  
“Didn’t he?”  
  
“I left him, but thanks for your vote of confidence,” Sebastian said. “And for the record, this whole psycho-analysis crap was exactly the reason I broke up with him, so maybe consider that’s not the best strategy right now.”  
  
Blaine stopped. It honestly hadn’t crossed his mind, he had just accepted Cooper’s impression that Sebastian had been the one getting dumped. It had fit so well with his friend’s behavior. It was screamingly obvious that there had to be more to the story.   
  
“And maybe you want to consider how smart it is to push everyone away. I thought you wanted me in your life. You said you could use a friend to talk to. The thing is… you never do. It’s a bit unfair. You always seem to know everything about me, but you keep all your secrets so close.”  
  
The expression on Sebastian’s face softened just slightly. “What’s the point? Like you’re sticking around anyway…”  
  
Blaine felt himself stop in his tracks. “What do you mean? Why wouldn’t I?”  
  
Sebastian shook his head. “Forget it. Just… can we just… ignore tonight? And Jackson, and everything?”  
  
“We could if you weren’t so obviously hurting,” Blaine said. “I don’t understand what’s going on with you. You tell me you’re unhappy, you break up with him, and still you’re the one who’s miserably and he’s talking about you like…”  
  
“Like _what?”_ Sebastian asked, his voice sharp.  
  
Blaine hesitated, but what was the point? How could he ask for honesty and open conversation if he couldn’t deliver it himself?   
  
“Like there’s something wrong with you,” he finished his sentence.  
  
And bingo. There was a spark in Sebastian’s eyes, subtle and yet clear, combined with just a hint of rigidity in his stance, a clench of his jaw. That one had been a bull’s eye.   
  
“Tell me,” Blaine said, taking his friend’s hand before his shields would get back up.   
  
Sebastian looked at him for what felt like an eternity. Eventually, though, he sighed. “Fine,” he said, “but I’m going to need this.”  
  
He grabbed the bottle, and walked over into the living room, falling onto the couch. Blaine followed, sitting down beside him after putting on a soft light. Sebastian looked at the bottle, taking just a slight sip. He grimaced, before putting it down on the floor, and then spent several minutes looking anywhere but Blaine. And then, he started talking.  
  
“I guess it’s the story of my parents’ divorce. They hadn’t gotten along in… Honestly, I don’t even remember them ever getting along. They had this whirlwind romance when they were barely in their twenties, then my sister came along, and after a few years, things just… changed. I was probably their attempt to make it work again. Clearly that one didn’t work out. I mean, does it ever?”  
  
Blaine bit his lips. His own parents’ marriage was something he preferred not to think about too much. With an age gap like the one between him and Cooper it was a thought that came far too easy. He knew there’d been conflict between his parents, but he never had dared to ask if he had been an attempt to repair their relationship. If so, at least it hadn’t been a complete failure.  
  
“Anyway, they were fine for a few years. It’s not that they were fighting all the time. They just lived separate lives. My father completely threw himself into his work. And my mother… well, she was an actress before. But add two pregnancies and a decade or two, and suddenly you realize you won’t get back into the business just as easy. When I was about twelve, my parents decided to separate. Well, not officially. But my mother moved back to France to be with her parents, and Dad stayed in the US, working on his career. Not a divorce, though. I think Dad had to promise Grandma on her death bed there would be no divorce. Grandpa always thought that was bloody stupid, but he was too used to nobody in his family listening when it came to relationships.”  
  
“You mentioned,” Blaine said, mirroring the small smile that came up on his friend’s face when talking about the old man.  
  
“Since Dad was so busy with work, it seemed like the smart decision for me and Colette to go with Maman. Well, Colette decided to go – she was about to start her last years at school and figured a French diploma would be more impressive, plus she always wanted to study in Paris. And what was Dad supposed to do with a ten-year old kid? No, go for those maternal instincts…” Sebastian rolled his eyes.  
  
“I take it those instincts weren’t so great?” Blaine asked.  
  
“Maybe a long time ago, when Colette was a kid. But when it came to me, it was probably all dissolved in alcohol already,” Sebastian replied.  
  
Blaine shot a look to the bottle still standing on the ground, and felt a chill running down his spine.  
  
“See, Maman thought she could come back to France and get back her glory days. But time had moved on, Paris had moved on, and nobody really cared all that much about her grand return. She tried for a while, but I guess it was just too depressing. Her parents weren’t too impressed with her choices, but they didn’t care too much about her. They were however pretty happy with me being there.” Surprisingly, even this statement had just a hint of disgust in his voice.  
  
“I’m not too fond of them anymore,” Sebastian admitted, maybe noticing his expression. “I was back then, of course. I was their favorite, you know? Their only grandson.” He snorted. “Le petit prince, that’s what Colette called me. She was always so bitter when we were living there, and the second she was accepted at university, she moved into the dorms, later found some roommates to live off-campus. She was a bit jealous, of course. She was everybody else’s favorite. Especially Grandpa, but Dad too. And I guess Maman’s parents doted on her, when she was the only grandchild. But then suddenly, there was a male grandchild, so who cares about the girl? Especially when she grows up and starts getting opinions, and an attitude?” He laughed bitterly. “Let’s say I had tons of warnings how they’d react to their precious petit prince turning out gay.”   
  
There was just the hint of movement towards the bottle. Before it became more obvious, Blaine scooted closer, so their thighs touched. Sebastian shot him a look, before he continued talking, not reaching for the bottle.   
  
“Anyway, my mother wasn’t doing too well. Sure, she tried to break into her old circles, but that wasn’t working, so all she managed was to build a new circle with a lot of other sad, aging failed artists. They had their little get-togethers, their _soirées_, bemoaning their fate and the world’s indifference and drinking themselves through my grandparents’ wine cellar. It was all pretty pathetic. Then again, for a twelve-year-old kid, it looked kind of interesting.”  
  
“That’s so young,” Blaine said.  
  
Sebastian shrugged. “They wouldn’t let me in at twelve, that’s just when I started trying to sneak in. As I got older, I was allowed in for a small glass of wine, and a few raunchy stories. It seemed… adventurous. Well, it was attention. You may have noticed I’m kind of into that. Sure, there were my grandparents. But I was starting to realize that was conditional. They had their picture of what their perfect grandson had to be, and I was getting old enough to realize that they could throw me away just as easily as they discarded my sister. I barely saw Dad, and a few letters just aren’t enough for a teenager. Colette was off to university and made a point of spending very little time at our grandparents’ house. And Maman… well, her _artiste_ friends and a nice merlot were certainly more interesting than a stupid teenage kid.”  
  
It was too easy to imagine. Blaine put his head onto Sebastian’s shoulder, hoping that the physical closeness would give the support that he needed right now.   
  
“I kept looking around for another way to get attention. And there was this classmate of mine, Maurice. And he liked old movies, and played lacrosse too, and had a nice smile… and I figured, hey, that would be something to get attention. Maurice’s family was ultra conservative, so he thought it was an idea to shock them. And yeah, so we started making out a lot, and eventually got caught. My grandparents were completely shocked, except for grandpa, who turned out pretty cool. Colette saw right through me, of course, like always. Told me that I was being an idiot and that I should know better than to play with fire. And Maman… well, she seemed thrilled. And that was when she started to take me along to her soirées. A few of her friends were gay men, and she told me it would be a good idea to have some positive role models. The problem was, as much as I was doing it for attention, it was also real for me. It wasn’t for Maurice, though. He dropped ma like a hot potato.”  
  
“Ouch,” Blaine muttered.  
  
“Hm, he was an idiot anyway. Don’t know what I saw in him,” Sebastian said with a shrug, although he did put an arm around Blaine’s back, as if he too needed to be closer. “I was just lucky to be that good at Lacrosse, they wouldn’t dare to cut me from the team. It actually got too awkward, but he folded first. Anyway, it wasn’t that hard to forget about Maurice when I suddenly had a standing invitation for those get-togethers Maman had. And let me tell you, not all of the guys there were completely past their prime.”  
  
Blaine shuddered. “That doesn’t exactly sound like a compliment.”  
  
Sebastian shrugged. “Beggars can’t be choosers,” he said, “besides, I _was_ a dumb kid. Dumb enough to fall for the starving artist left behind by the system act.”  
  
He paused, and at first Blaine thought it was just for effect, or maybe to gather courage. The silence stretched longer to the point that he was getting concerned.   
  
“There was this one guy,” Sebastian continued eventually. “Wanted to be a writer, and still looking for his muse. I think he published one novel about… twenty years ago? Barely made a splash and couldn’t get anyone to publish the sequels. Kind of sad, really, but he kept talking like it as just a matter of time till he sold the film rights for his magnum opus, and just bet that he’d hand-pick the actors.”  
  
Blaine had to swallow down the rising bile. “Did he do anything to you?” he asked.  
  
Sebastian laughed, although it too sounded bitter. “Please, I could have taken him. No, he was fine. If you ignore the whole creeping on a teenager thing, but then again, I was pretty much into it at the time. There was the whole wounded ego thing after Maurice dumped me, and to have a grown men’s attention… it was nice. That’s what it was all about, after all. Attention.”  
  
Blaine tried and failed to suppress a shudder.  
  
“I learned a lot,” Sebastian said. “Occasionally he even took me out to gay-bars. Learned all the tools of my trade, how to smile, how to seduce, how to give a blow job that’ll make your teeth vibrate… all fun and games. Until it wasn’t.”  
  
“Did your mother know?”  
  
Sebastian shrugged. “No idea. Maybe? I can imagine her being literally gleeful about it, just as a fuck-you to my Dad, maybe my grandparents too. Look at your petit prince now…” He took another sip from the bottle, and Blaine found himself reaching out for it too, wishing the bitter taste in his mouth could soften the acidity of what he heard.  
  
“You were so young though. Didn’t she care?” he asked.  
  
“I don’t think she remembers what that feels like,” Sebastian said, “besides, the age of consent in France is fifteen, so everything was fine.”  
  
“It doesn’t sound fine,” Blaine said.  
  
“What do you want me to say? Of course, the guy was a creep, and I was a dumb teenager who didn’t know any better. Or maybe I did and that makes it even sadder. But what was I going to do? My Dad was absent, my sister was pissed at me, my grandparents ignored me the second I fell off that pedestal they made for me, my friends had become distant as if being gay is a communicable disease, and my mother… don’t get me started on my mother.” Sebastian stared at his feet, as if the outburst had exhausted him.   
  
“It all blew up eventually. Colette once came for an unannounced visit, caught us in the act. And she freaked out. She started screaming at the guy to get away from me, kicked him out of the house and threatened to call the police on him if she ever saw him near me again. Not sure what about, as I said, age of consent, but it intimidated him enough to run away. Then Colette basically dragged me out by my shirt – making a tiny stop to yelling at our mother – and then took me to her place. Just told her roommates I would be staying there for now. Then she sat me down and made me tell her everything. She called Dad, told him what had been going on and demanded he does something. Dad… well, he was pretty much shocked. He got on the next plane to France, got my side of the story. I don’t know what Colette told him, but he was… different. He apologized to me, that he failed me, and that he was going to step up now and actually be a father to me. He arranged for me to move to Ohio, go to Dalton, and then he filed for a divorce.”  
  
“That wasn’t your fault,” Blaine said softly.  
  
Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I know it’s not my fault. My mother couldn’t be awful enough to him to go against his promise to Grandma, but my well-being was reason enough. That’s actually a good thing. I have enough reasons to be messed up without making up new ones.” He sighed, still not meeting Blaine’s eyes. “So that’s the story. And it’s honestly not even that important, and… don’t look at me like that.”  
  
Blaine frowned. “Like what?” he asked.  
  
Sebastian turned, his mouth already open – and he stopped.   
  
“You’re not,” he said, sounding surprised.   
  
“Like what?” Blaine repeated, but then he realized. “Like there’s something wrong with you. But… there isn’t.”   
  
Sebastian looked at him questioningly, and for once, he seemed completely open.  
  
“This guy was a creep, and it was a mess, and it sucked. I wish you hadn’t met him, that your mother had been more caring, or your father had paid more attention. It sucks. But that doesn’t define who you are. You’re not broken. You just had a sucky experience.”  
  
Sebastian blinked, as if what he said was a complete surprise. Blaine understood how he felt. How long had he been upset about the Sadie Hawkins Dance, and how people looked at him after hearing, like he was broken, full of pity…? Sebastian had never looked at him like this, not even after hearing about it all. Kurt hadn’t either, although maybe it just hadn’t been important enough against the magnitude of McKinley Junior Prom…  
  
“I told Jackson about it. I figured, we’re living together, and we’re talking about our past, and it’s kind of an important aspect. Well, he started looking at me like that. He kept trying to psycho-analyze me. Said I needed to talk to someone. And suddenly everything I did had to be analyzed. See, the whole thing probably just comes down to Daddy issues. That’s why I sought out an older man. And suddenly everything is about that. When I go to a professor’s office hours, then obviously it’s because I subconsciously want to sleep with him. And don’t get me started on Cooper. Clearly the only reason I’m friends with him is this whatever a male version of an Elektra complex is called.”  
  
“That’s ridiculous,” Blaine said.  
  
Sebastian looked at him in surprise. “I thought so,” he said.  
  
“But he kept it up long enough for you to doubt yourself?” Blaine suggested.  
  
Sebastian shrugged. “I was getting tired of it,” he said. “I couldn’t order pizza without it being analyzed. I told him to drop it, but well… he wouldn’t. So, I dropped him. I was getting really tired of every move being analyzed. Like I’m… broken, or damaged goods, and I thought…” He stopped.  
  
“Thought what?” Blaine asked once it was clear no answer would follow.  
  
“If I’m not good enough for someone like Jackson… who doesn’t even fucking matter… how the hell can I be good enough for someone that’s actually worth it?”  
  
_For you_.  
  
It wasn’t said, could never be said, that unspoken boundary between them. But the words were hanging in between them, nonetheless. It was painful to think that Sebastian thought he wasn’t good enough. For what, for _him_? But he was hurting, and suddenly it wasn’t about Jackson anymore, but about them, and Blaine just didn’t know how to handle it.  
  
“That’s not… don’t think that. Please, don’t. This has never been about being good enough, you know that. And you are. You’re smart, and funny, and gorgeous, and you care, so deeply, even when you try to hide it. You have this gift of looking at people and understanding them. You don’t have to be better for anyone, not Jackson, not… whoever. You’re amazing already. Probably even better than…” He stopped himself. _Better than I deserve_, the words were clear in his mind, but he couldn’t utter them. Whatever there was between them, it had to remain unspoken, unnamed. He wasn’t sure if Sebastian understood, not sure if he wanted him to or not.  
  
But Sebastian must have understood something. His hand wandered up from the point where it had been close do Blaine’s. Up his lower arm, the elbow, further until he put the hand onto Blaine’s cheek, grounding him and at the same time pushing up his head so they made eye contact.  
  
“It’s still not good enough,” he said. His voice sounded raw, and Blaine felt a sharp clench inside his chest.   
  
“That’s not it,” Blaine said, wishing Sebastian could read it all in his eyes without the need to say anything.  
  
Sebastian looked at him, as if he was searching for something that he couldn’t quite grasp.  
  
“Be honest with me,” he said eventually, “for once, tell me. If things had been different… if I had met your sooner, or later, or somehow at the right time… if he wasn’t around… if it was just you and me, and the right timing…” He stopped, as if he was just as afraid of the answer as Blaine was. “If things had been different, could this ever have been?”  
  
There were a million thoughts running through Blaine’s mind at the question, but they seemed removed, like the buzz of insects from outside once the window was closed. This was more than dangerous territory, his friendship with Sebastian always hanging just on the edge of inappropriate. This had the potential to just step over that edge. But how could he not answer, not be honest, when Sebastian was looking at him so open, so vulnerable, so scared? He wanted to avert his eyes, but Sebastian’s hand held him in place. He had to answer, and there was only one answer he could give.  
  
“If things had been different… I… yes, of course, you know it could have. Sometimes I can even see it. How it could have been. How happy we could have been. But Sebastian-“  
  
Blaine tilted his head back on instinct once Sebastian’s lips found his. He had tried so hard not to think about what it would feel like. Sebastian’s lips were dry, surprisingly soft, and there was a practiced ease in his movements. His hand wandered from Blaine’s cheeks into his hair, gripping into his curls, and pulling him even closer. There was just the hint of a tug, making Blaine gasp. He hadn’t even considered if he’d like someone playing with his hair, it certainly hadn’t come up before. Sebastian seemed to misinterpret his gasp as an invitation, pushing his tongue forward. And Blaine knew, he should put a stop to this, pull away, but he just… he couldn’t. It wasn’t quite a choice to kiss back, answer the teasing of Sebastian’s tongue, and allow himself to be pulled closer. He shouldn’t, he knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t imagine pushing Sebastian away. Not now, not when he was so vulnerable for maybe the first time. Not when his pulse was hammering through his head, faster than he ever remembered, and fuck, this is what being alive felt like…   
  
Before he could get lost even further, Sebastian pulled back. Blaine felt the breath leave his body in a shuddering exhale. He noticed another movement, and he knew, if Sebastian was going to kiss him again, he had to stop. He just wasn’t sure he actually could.  
  
Instead, Sebastian’s hand stroked through his hair, once more, and again, before letting go. Finally, Blaine dared to look up into his eyes. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but probably not this kind of serenity.  
  
“It was just that the time was wrong,” Sebastian muttered.  
  
“What?”  
  
Sebastian shook his head. “Never mind.” For a moment he looked as if he was going to say something else. Instead, he bowed forward, pressing a fleeting kiss onto Blaine’s cheek. “Thank you,” he said. Without another word, he got off from the couch and left, disappearing into his room.  
  
It was better this way, Blaine tried to tell himself. Space – and a door – between them was probably a good thing right now. Without the warmth of Sebastian’s body around him, it was much harder to forget what he had done, or rather allowed to happen.   
  
He didn’t move from the couch, didn’t even pick up the blankets when he started to feel cold. His mind was running in circles at a breakneck speed. All those arbitrary lines he’d built up to fence in his friendship with Sebastian as something appropriate, something he could keep, had been shattered with that kiss. Of course, he could insist that Sebastian had kissed him, reject any blame. After all, he would have stopped it from becoming more. Or at least he was sure he would have. But Kurt wouldn’t see it that way, and it wasn’t fair anyway. He had kissed back. At the moment, nothing else even occurred to him. And yet… and yet…  
  
He barely registered the sound of the door opening. There was some humming and rummaging, before finally Cooper stepped into the room.  
  
“You guys are seriously no fun,” he said, before looking around, concern flaring up in his face. “Wait, where’s Sebastian?”  
  
“Went to sleep,” Blaine said, surprised at how hoarse his own voice sounded. “We talked. I get it now.”  
  
“Is he okay?” Cooper asked, coming closer and sitting down beside him.  
  
“He’s going to be,” Blaine said. “Just… give him space, and don’t treat him like glass. He won’t break over this.” It might take him a bit, but Blaine was certain of that at least.  
  
Cooper watched him carefully. “Are you?”  
  
Blaine looked at him in confusion. “Am I what?”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
Blaine looked down onto his hands. What a ridiculous question.   
  
“Come on,” Cooper said. He stood up, and dragged Blaine to his feet at well, leading him outside onto the balcony.  
  
“What are we doing here?”  
  
“Having an important conversation,” Cooper said, rolling his eyes.  
  
“On the balcony?”  
  
“When will you ever understand the importance of staging?” Cooper asked, a sigh in his voice. “And don’t try to distract me. You look like someone killed your puppy again.”  
  
Blaine frowned. “I thought he ran away?”  
  
Cooper’s eyes widened. “Um… stay on topic! What’s up with that face?”  
  
It shouldn’t be that hard to tell Cooper something meaningless and just get some sleep. His brother had never been the most empathetic person. But right now, with the alcohol in his bloodstream, and Sebastian so close, and the ring on his finger growing heavier with every second, he didn’t have the strength.  
  
“Sebastian kissed me,” he said.  
  
Maybe Cooper had just gotten a lot better at acting than he gave him credit for, or maybe he really wasn’t shocked in the slightest.  
  
“You kissed him back,” he said, not even a question.   
  
“How do you know?” Blaine asked, hating how small his voice sounded.  
  
“It would explain that face you’re making,” Cooper said. “Why did you kiss him back?”  
  
“I…” Blaine stopped. There were so many answers he could give. He’d been caught by surprise. He hadn’t had the heart to reject Sebastian when he was so vulnerable. He had been lonely, and it had been so tempting to hold onto this spark of warmth. And just maybe, if he was completely honest, he had liked it. But how on earth was he supposed to put any of this into words?  
  
Cooper was standing beside him, calm, and patient, as if he had all night to wait for Blaine’s answer.   
  
“I’m a mess,” Blaine said eventually. “Everything I touch, I mess it up.”  
  
“What do you mean?” Cooper asked.  
  
“I’m married,” he said softly, “I have a husband that I love and here I am, kissing someone else. Maybe there’s just something wrong with me, and I mess up everyone. Kurt, and David, and _Sebastian_… You need to keep an eye on him. He needs a better friend than me.”  
  
“I doubt he thinks of it that way,” Cooper said. “And you’re not messing people up. Maybe you make mistakes sometimes, but this isn’t some sort of mortal sin. I just…” He sighed. “I worry about you.”  
  
“Because I mess up everything?” Blaine asked.  
  
“Because I want you to be happy. And you deserve it, no matter what you’re thinking right now.”  
  
“Deserving… kissing someone else when married… I can think of a few things I deserve, but happiness isn’t really on top of that list.”  
  
Cooper rolled his eyes. “Stop being so melodramatic. It was a kiss, you didn’t sleep with him. Does it really matter?”  
  
“It would matter to Kurt,” Blaine said softly. “I have to tell him.”  
  
“Do you want a divorce?” Cooper asked. It sounded off-handed, but there was just enough bluntness to make Blaine pause.  
  
“I don’t,” he said. “I love him.”  
  
“Hmm…” Cooper nodded as if in deep in contemplation. “There’s just this one thing. See, I’m not as blind as you sometimes seem to think. And I’ve been keeping an eye on you, ever since we decided to be closer, back when you were still in high school. And back then, when we stated talking more, do you know what you used to talk about?”  
  
Blaine turned away, letting his eyes wander over the city lights.  
  
“Kurt, Kurt, and occasionally Kurt. There were a few other things, but mostly you were talking about Kurt. Couldn’t shut up about him, to be honest. It was really annoying.”  
  
Blaine frowned. “I thought you liked Kurt.”  
  
“Well, he has good taste,” Cooper said with a shrug, “but make no mistake. You’re my priority here. And what I’ve noticed is… you barely talk about him anymore. And when you do… you don’t sound nearly as happy as you used to be. Blaine… you’re talented, and bright, and you can shine like the sun. But it feels like you’re trying to hide your light, so you don’t over shine him.”  
  
“It’s not like that,” Blaine said softly.   
  
“Isn’t it?” Cooper replied. “Look, you don’t have to find an answer right now. But the truth is you’re not a horrible person. I just think you’ve been unhappy for longer than you realize. And Blaine… you deserve to be happy.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. He wasn’t sure he agreed.  
  
“I don’t know what to do,” he said eventually.  
  
“Obviously,” Cooper said. “But listen, you’re going to figure it out at some point. And when you do, remember that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, Sebastian is here for you. Just… give yourself a break for once.”  
  
Blaine nodded, although he wasn’t sure he knew how. But for now, it was just easier to bask in his brother’s acceptance. Maybe for now this was enough.  
  



	9. Chapter 9

_Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor…_  
  
Or well, the desk in his case. A hundred pictures. The red and navy of Dalton blazers. Even the yellow of Pavarotti’s feathers, and by now it was impossible to even look at the late bird and not hear the notes of Blackbird in his mind. Pictures from prom, once with a kilt and crown, once with his own hair a complete disaster, surrounded by dinosaurs. Yearbook pictures in front of a makeshift background by a photographer who couldn’t have been more than half-sober. West Side Story cast pictures, more of Kurt in his silent role. Black-and-white pictures from their Christmas video. Glee club pictures from Sectionals, Regionals, their Nationals victory. Kurt’s graduation. Nothing for a long time, until the pictures came back. Engagement pictures. Funny photos taken in front of Rachel’s town car. A Peter Pan performance. Pictures with the both of them and June Dolloway, her thin smile surprisingly ominous in hindsight. Wedding pictures, the barn background jarring in a way he tried to ignore whenever he saw them. Nationals pictures, the three of them as proud coaches. And other pictures, again in New York, with Rachel and Jesse, some with Elliot. Cast pictures from their respective shows, and pictures from the cast parties after opening night. And more than pictures. Clippings from McKinley’s school newspaper, DVDs from performances, the sad remains of a candy wrapper ring…  
  
Clearer than all those memories in front of him were those inside his mind. Right behind the lids of his closed eyes, there was that park, the cold night air, and the pain on Kurt’s face once he confessed what might have been the worst thing he’d ever done. Back then, he couldn’t have done anything else than tell the truth, even if it caused so much more hurt. Back then, he had thought he’d drown in guilt. But at least he’d known back then, he would never be this stupid and callous again. If he ever got a second chance, he would never stray again.  
  
And still, he had kissed Kurt when he was in a relationship with someone else. And now, a married man, he had kissed Sebastian. Not even in his own mind could he excuse himself with the technicality that Sebastian had been the one that had kissed him.  
  
It was different. Blaine knew it was different. He just couldn’t quite figure out why. But even looking back, he couldn’t have pushed Sebastian away.  
  
Of course, Kurt wouldn’t see it that way.  
  
So what was he going to do now?  
  
The right thing would be to tell Kurt the truth and await his judgement. Back then, he’d at least managed to have that much courage. And sure, it could be argued that a hook-up and a single kiss weren’t even comparable, but again, Kurt wouldn’t see it that way.  
  
_“Do you want a divorce?”_  
  
The memory of Cooper’s voice kept disrupting his thoughts. It was ridiculous. Their marriage was stronger than that… wasn’t it? One kiss couldn’t possibly be reason for Kurt to divorce him. But there would be consequences. Blaine didn’t even have to look at the picture frame in which he hid the paper with Sebastian’s number, it was basically burning inside his mind. Even if Kurt could forgive this, there was no way he’d allow this friendship to continue. And that… that was something he couldn’t do. Sebastian needed him. Well, someone better than him, really, but Blaine was the friend he chose. And maybe, definitely, maybe… Blaine needed their friendship too.  
  
_“Do you want a divorce?_”  
  
No, he really didn’t want a divorce. Looking back over all those memories, how far he and Kurt had come… how could he ever let this go? They were a mess right now, sure. But nothing was perfect. They needed a bit of work, fine. But he was not willing to let go. Not yet.  
  
So what now? He knew what he should do. The right thing was so glaringly obvious. And yet… Was the right thing always the smart thing? Or even the kind thing? He’d been truthful once and thrown everything into a mess. It had been the right thing then, but this time the situation was different. Or maybe he was scared. But weren’t all these memories worth preserving? Wasn’t this relationship worth fighting for? Life wasn’t as simple as it seemed, not as black and white as he used to think.  
  
Guilt was swallowing him, but not as all-encompassing as back then. It was not the same thing. And maybe keeping this secret was going to be his penance. Or maybe he was fooling himself into doing the cowardly thing instead of the right thing. But this time, he would choose differently. He’d try to make his marriage work, and forget that kiss and everything that came with it.  
  
He’d have to give this one more chance.  
  
With new conviction, he started to collect all the pictures that were scattered over his desk and put them back into their respective folders. Still, the ring on his finger felt heavy as lead.

* * *

  
The airport was abuzz as always, and Blaine’s nerves were buzzing just as much. He wasn’t sure what to expect when Kurt got off the plane. Would he be happy to see him? Suspicious? And there was still that tiny chance that Blaine himself would just break down immediately and spill everything. Then again, he hadn’t heard from Kurt since he had started his tour. He had gotten a text from Sebastian, an apology that he had accepted. On the other hand, his husband didn’t seem to have missed him in his life for a whole week.  
  
No, that was being unfair. Kurt had been busy with his tour, probably been exhausted between the travels and performances. Jackie had planned quite the tour-de-force. Besides, he wasn’t here to nitpick each other’s faults. He was here to welcome back his husband.  
  
The first person he saw from the group was Jackie. Even he had to admit she was a commanding presence. Kurt was walking beside her, listening to her talk, and the other actors were following. Somewhere in the group, he could see Glenn. His jaw clenched, but he made a conscious effort to look away and focus on Kurt.  
  
And then, Kurt spotted him. There was surprise on his face, and Blaine felt his heart drop waiting for what would come next. Would he be happy, or upset? But the emotion that came through the most seemed confusion, as his husband made his way over to him, the gaggle of actors slowly following.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Kurt asked. And finally, under the surprise and confusion, Blaine noticed happiness.  
  
“I thought I’d come pick you up,” he said in response, as Kurt hugged him. “How was your tour?”  
  
“It was _amazing_! I really think the play is going to take off. But I don’t think I’ll ever do a tour again. I don’t think I’ve ever been this exhausted…”  
  
As they made their way to the taxi stand, Kurt kept talking. From time to time one of the other actors weighed in. Blaine noticed that Jackie wasn’t commenting. She seemed in fact quite preoccupied involving Glenn in a conversation that took place several feet away from where he was walking. At least one person in this whole production seemed to possess a hint of perception…  
  
“So what have you been up to?” Kurt asked eventually.  
  
“Oh, you know… getting ready for rehearsals,” Blaine said. “We started yesterday.”  
  
“It’s going to be such a great show, I know how thrilled Rachel is. And it’s sweet you came to pick me up. It really wasn’t necessary, tough. It’s a bit redundant, isn’t it, when we both need to get a cab home now…”  
  
“Still,” Blaine said, “I wanted to see you.”  
  
Kurt hummed, before getting into another story about one of the performances and how literally everything went wrong until the curtain went up, and then everything went right. He had to admit, it was an entertaining story, only shortly interrupted when they said their goodbyes to the rest of the crew. It lasted them almost through the ride back. As Blaine carried the suitcase up the stairs, Kurt turned around to him, a beaming smile on his face that made him look so much younger, so much like the boy who had been so thrilled when he transferred schools. It should have been all the confirmation he needed that he was doing the right thing. Instead, he felt uncertain. The boy’s excitement seemed so unfamiliar on the man he’d become.  
  
“I actually got to talk to some producers. And… I started writing again. Dad once told me, I might have to write my own roles. I think I might get back into that.”  
  
“That’s great,” Blaine said, trying to smile despite the conflicting thoughts in his mind. “Do you have a plot in mind yet?”  
  
“Just a few ideas, I figured I start with the songs and work it out from there,” Kurt replied. He unlocked the door and stepped into the loft, sighing deeply.  
  
“No place like home,” he said, looking around the room with a wide smile. Blaine stepped in after him. He looked around, and he tried, he really did, to see it the way Kurt did. He couldn’t. He’d exchange this place in a heartbeat for Cooper’s apartment in Los Angeles, with its chaos, strange carpets, comfortable furniture, and most importantly, _walls_. This would never be his home. He just wondered when they’d be comfortable enough to find a new place. Or if Kurt would ever want to. But no, he was on a mission here.  
  
“What’s that?”  
  
Blaine looked up in surprise, Kurt’s voice breaking him out of his thoughts. His husband was holding a photo. He walked closer, curious what it was. It was a picture of them dancing at Kurt’s junior prom.  
  
“I was looking through some old photos,” Blaine said. “I guess it fell out when I put them back.”  
  
Kurt’s expression softened as he looked down onto the picture. And Blaine understood. He had felt something similar, when he’d been going through the pictures. These were good memories, from a time when life was so much easier than it seemed now. It was easy to remember how deeply he had felt back then, how precious their connection had been. Was. Still was. It was just easy to forget sometimes, among the everyday rush of rehearsals and bills and obligations. He wasn’t sure what Kurt saw when looking down at the pictures, but there had to be at least some of the same nostalgia Blaine had felt. Maybe even the same melancholy.  
  
“It’s funny,” Kurt said softly, “when you look into the mirror, it doesn’t seem like that much has changed. And then you look at a picture, and suddenly you can see it…”  
  
“Maybe we shouldn’t see it as change. More as… growing,” Blaine suggested.  
  
“Maybe,” Kurt said. “Still… do you sometimes wish you could just go back?”  
  
“All the time,” Blaine said. “Do you?”  
  
Kurt looked up at him, open and vulnerable in a way he hadn’t seen in a long time. For a second, the words were at the tip of his tongue, to confess and clear his conscience. But what good would that do now? Instead, he stepped forward, putting a hand onto Kurt’s cheek, and kissed him. It was short and chaste. When he drew back, he noticed the utter surprise on Kurt’s face, that only slowly turned into something warmer.  
  
“It’s good to be home,” Kurt said. He bowed forward for another kiss, just as chaste, before turning away. “I’ll have to unpack. Do you have any plans for dinner yet? We could order some take-out, and maybe watch a movie later?”  
  
Blaine nodded, and tried to smile, even as something cold was spreading through his veins. “Sounds good,” he said. He wasn’t sure what he had expected. Was that all there was left to their relationship, everyday routine? Then again, it was clear that there was a divide between them, and it would take more than a few nostalgic memories and a few kisses to repair them. He’d have to be patient if he wanted to fix this. But it was possible.  
  
It had to be.

* * *

_  
The chemistry between Berry and Anderson is sizzling…  
  
Filling a classic with much needed life…  
  
The roles they were born to play…_  
  
Blaine’s hands were shaking as he read through the clips. West Side Story had finally opened in mid-November, and opening night had been phenomenal. From the second they stepped onto the stage, it had been magical. He had known it would be a success, even before he noticed the audience reactions, and lost count of the curtain calls. Still, reading through the clips from different magazines that Robb had provided, he barely recognized himself from the descriptions. Even now, weeks later, he couldn’t quite believe that this was his life now.  
  
“Looking sharp, Blaine Warbler!”  
  
He looked up, barely surprised that Rachel had stepped into his dressing room. She was ready for the show already, all made up as the sweet innocent girl.  
  
“Not nearly as much as you,” Blaine said.  
  
“I couldn’t have done any of this without you,” Rachel said. Her eyes were shining with happiness, as she sat down beside him and took his hands. “You don’t know what it means to me that we can do this together.”  
  
Blaine grasped her hands and found himself beaming back at her. As much as he loved the production, and being on stage, the best thing coming out of West Side Story was how much closer he felt to Rachel. Even if he wasn’t her best friend, she might just be his. And without her support, he wasn’t sure how he could have made it through the last few weeks.  
  
Things hadn’t improved much with Kurt. It wasn’t that things were bad, really. Over the weeks of rehearsal, the memory of Sebastian’s kiss had even started to slip from the forefront of his mind. Still, any attempts to reestablish the intimacy in his marriage had come to nothing. They both had been too busy lately. Still, he hadn’t expected to feel as lonely as he did.  
  
“Now stop that right now,” Rachel said, a mock-glare in her eyes, “I can see it, Blaine Warbler, you’re getting melancholic again. We don’t have time for that, you have to find your inner Tony again.”  
  
He laughed, shaking his head. “I’m sure you’ll inspire him,” he said.  
  
“I’d hope so. After all, this is a big night. It’s been a while since there has been this kind of reunion,” Rachel said. “I can’t wait to see everyone.”  
  
Not quite everyone, of course, but there were still a lot of their old friends in the audience tonight. Brittany and Santana, Artie and Tina, Sam, Kitty and Marley… Jesse would watch for about the third time. They had plans to get dinner afterwards, where Kurt would join them.  
  
“It’s generous of Jesse to invite everyone,” Blaine said carefully.  
  
It wasn’t the first time it was questioned. Kurt had been puzzled, and asked Rachel several times if something was up. She had rolled her eyes and shaken her head, evaded the question whenever it came up. It was what Blaine expected now.  
  
Instead, Rachel bit her lips and looked at him uncertainly, although the excitement bubbling underneath was almost palpable.  
  
“Actually…”  
  
Her smile widened to the paint it looked painful, as she tugged out a chain from under her dress. On it, there was a silver ring, adorned with a single, sparkling stone.  
  
“We might have an announcement to make,” she finished before looking up at him.  
  
“You’re engaged,” Blaine whispered. “Oh my god, Rachel, that’s amazing! Congratulations!”  
  
He pulled her into a hug, for a moment not caring about her hair. She pressed against him.  
  
“We’re telling everyone later,” Rachel said, “but I kind of wanted you to hear first.”  
  
“I… I don’t know what to say,” Blaine said. “I’m honored.”  
  
“You better be,” Rachel said, giggling. “We should get ready now, though. With everyone in the audience, you better bring your A-game.”  
  
Well, if that was her wish. He did wonder why she’d told him first, and not Kurt. Then again, between rehearsals for West Side Story and Kurt’s involvement in Dorian Gray and further projects, she probably hadn’t spent much more time with Kurt than he himself had.  
  
There was a special energy to Rachel’s performance tonight, infectious to the point where it was impossible not to match her. It was probably their best performance yet, and the audience seemed to agree. When the curtain fell, Blaine felt on top of the world. It got only better when they met their friends, just as excited as they were. Even Santana was barely snide in her congratulations, and it was only when Sam engulfed him into one of his all-encompassing hugs that Blaine realized how much he had missed this. The New Directions had always claimed so much that they were all a big family, and yet they had drifted apart. But coming together, it was almost as if no time had passed.  
  
When they arrived at the restaurant, Kurt was already waiting at the table. There was one short moment before he noticed them that Blaine could just watch him. His posture was rigid, as he looked at his phone, that sadly familiar note of defensiveness. How long had he been waiting? Blaine noticed that they had arrived quite a bit later than expected, but that was just the consequence of such a long-awaited reunion.  
  
“We made him wait,” he muttered, just as Kurt looked up and saw them.  
  
“He should have met us at the theater,” Sam said, “or maybe watched the show with us.”  
  
“He saw it opening night,” Blaine said, surprised when he noticed that he too immediately got defensive. “Besides, he was performing himself tonight.” Of course, he could have switched around his performances, have his understudy perform tonight and take tomorrow’s show instead. But it wasn’t Blaine’s choice to make.  
  
“Jesse was there, too,” Sam said.  
  
“Just drop it, please,” Blaine said.  
  
He could feel Sam’s eyes on him as he made his way through the restaurant to their table. He bowed forward to place a kiss on Kurt’s cheek, who threw a pointed look at his watch, before giving him a hug.  
  
“Sorry we made you wait,” Blaine said.  
  
“You know how theater gets,” Jesse said, sliding into the booth with Rachel by his side. “You missed an amazing show by the way.”  
  
“Well, our show went pretty well, too,” Kurt said, something sharp in his voice.  
  
“Oh, right, the picture of Dorian Gay,” Santana said, rolling her eyes. Definitely not one of her better zingers.  
  
“And how are your commercials going?” Kurt asked.  
  
Santana glared at him, but Brittany distracted her by sitting down in her lap.  
  
“Besides, Jackie is already on her next project,” Kurt continued, “she wants to do a whole canon of gothic novels. She’s working on drafts for Dracula and Frankenstein.”  
  
“A musical version of Frankenstein?” Artie asked.  
  
“If Jekyll and Hyde made it, why not?” Tina replied.  
  
“Well, _making it_ is saying a bit much,” Rachel said.  
  
Blaine frowned as they started a discussion over the pros and cons to certain musicals. The part that stood out the most however was the idea of Kurt keeping on working with Jackie. He had hoped they could step away from that whole company. Had Kurt still not understood how he felt about them? Or did it just not matter?  
  
“Is it such a good idea though?” Rachel asked. “No offense, I’m sure Jackie is lovely, but her partner is kind of giving me the creeps. Jesse said he has a certain reputation on creeping on actors. You should be careful there.”  
  
“It’s not like that,” Kurt said, rolling his eyes.  
  
_It’s exactly like that_, Blaine wanted to say. Instead, he bit his tongue.  
  
“Well, there are a lot of creepy producers,” Jesse said, “I’m glad Robb isn’t like that. I’d hate for someone to creep on my dear muse.” He winked at Rachel. She blushed and smiled at him widely, but before she could say anything, a waitress appeared with a tablet full of champagne flutes, serving one to each of them. Rachel squealed, as Jesse turned towards the group. “Anyway, to crown the celebration of tonight’s magnificent performance, Rachel and I would like to make an announcement.”  
  
He turned to Rachel, who looked to their group, her smile wide and radiant. “We’re engaged,” she said, showing the ring she had put onto her finger by now.  
  
There was squealing as expected, and hugs everywhere. Blaine felt his own smile almost painful as she watched their happiness. He turned towards his husband, who seemed a bit lost.  
  
“Everything okay?” he murmured.  
  
“Of course,” Kurt said, his voice a bit higher than usual. “She didn’t let anything on, though…”  
  
“She wanted a big announcement,” Blaine said. It was kinder not to admit he had known before. “And she’s so happy.”  
  
Kurt smiled, although it still looked slightly forced. “She deserves to be.”  
  
Blaine nodded, turning his attention back to the happy couple. It was infectious, how thrilled the both of them seemed to be. Who’d have thought back then that these two could go the distance? Santana and Brittany, too, seemed in perfect harmony. It was a sobering thought, how all of them had managed to preserve the flame, and suddenly he felt just as lost as Kurt had looked for a moment. But tonight was not about him, and when Rachel turned back at him, his smile was as wide as it was before. After all, he _was_ an actor.  
  


* * *

  
Christmas was supposed to be a time for family. Then again, it was a holiday very much for children, and all children had to grow up at some point. Blaine found out the hard way once he realized that the schedule for West Side Story wouldn’t allow for him to fly home to Ohio. Dorian Gray would also keep running. It was fine, they were told. Kurt’s parents were going to spend Christmas with Carol’s family. The biggest surprise was when Blaine called his mom and told her he wouldn’t make it.  
  
“Well, we’ll have to come to you, then,” she had said, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. “Mama wants to see you. I don’t think she’s ever been to New York.”  
  
Kurt had smiled and been happy with the idea. Lately, he was humming new tunes. Blaine wasn’t sure whether they were connected to his own writing project or whatever Jackie was cooking up right now. Dracula seemed to have won out, and he knew that Kurt was after the title role again.  
  
And then, one night, there was a single white carnation in his dressing room, a note with it just signed as “your biggest fan”. He clutched it to his heart for a moment, trying to calm the way his heart beat sped up. If Rachel noticed something special in his performance, she didn’t mention it. Blaine hung back, wasting time getting dressed, before he was ready to leave, until he was sure Rachel had left and wouldn’t spot him with anyone who might have hung back to see him. But as he stepped outside, no familiar tall figure was waiting for him.  
  
He wasn’t even sure why he was so disappointed. Maybe he felt lonely this close to Christmas. It was only two nights later, when his family welcomed him after the show, that he got an answer. His father looked puzzled as usual, his mother as exuberant as he expected. Nonna looked him over, and nodded in what he hoped was pride.   
  
Cooper made a few pointed comments about pitch and choreography, before Blaine could throw in a subtle nonchalant question about Sebastian’s holiday plans.  
  
Cooper frowned. “Didn’t he talk to you? I thought he went to see you the other day. He had a stop-over here on his way to Paris, his sister invited him over Christmas. I thought he wanted to see your show before his flight…”  
  
Blaine nodded, and tried not to dissolve into a million questions. Had he missed Sebastian by wasting so much time? Or had he never had any intention to actually see Blaine?  
  
His mind stopped once he noticed the way his grandmother mustered him. She didn’t say a word.  
  
She did speak up a few days later, after Christmas dinner at the loft. Kurt had followed Cooper and his parents downstairs, helping them carry the gifts back to the taxi that would bring them back to their hotel. Blaine was about to accompany his grandmother down the stairs, when she stopped him.  
  
“So what are you going to do with your life then?”  
  
“What do you mean? I’m an actor,” he said.  
  
She tutted. “Is this what you want to do forever? Live in a place with no walls, with a husband who doesn’t talk to you, in a business where everyone has a sell-by-date?”  
  
Blaine felt as if struck. That one hit too close to home. “It’s not like that,” he said.  
  
She shook her head. “I am not blind. I see you, and I listen to you. And I listen to what your mother says, and your brother, and that clever friend of his. You can lie to yourself, Blaine Devon, but not to me.” She paused for a moment, before continuing.. “You remember the story about the ant and the grasshopper, don’t you?”  
  
Blaine nodded.  
  
“Well, no point in being an ant all your life. You lose out on a lot of living. But there’s no point in starving in the winter, is there?” She sighed. “Now listen to me, Blaine Devon Anderson, there has to be a balance. Live for the now. But think of the future. What you want. And if I know you at all, you’ll want something real. But what that is… a family? Security? It’s up to you, but nobody can tell you what you want. You have to figure this out yourself.”  
  
He wasn’t sure what exactly she meant, but he nodded.  
  
She smiled at him, sweet in a way she rarely was. “I want you to know… you’ve brought me so much joy. Don’t you ever change.”  
  
Blaine looked at her, blinking. The words were kind, but he couldn’t help but feel that they sounded like a goodbye. “I love you,” he said, surprised at the way his voice seemed to crack.  
  
“Well then, help me down those stairs,” Nonna said.  
  
Clearly, the conversation was over. He tried not to think too much about the implications, as he walked her down the stairs and helped her into the taxi. He stayed behind, watching his family leave. He probably wouldn’t get to see them tomorrow before their flight back to Ohio.  
  
“Well, we got through that one,” Kurt said with a sigh of relief. “Your grandmother can be a handful.”  
  
Blaine looked at the point where the taxi had vanished. That was not a conversation he was going to have right now. Without a word, he turned away and walked back inside.  
  
What he couldn’t let go of were the words Nonna had said. Balance, the future, how being happy now wasn’t a guarantee for a happy future, and what on earth was he going to do if he wasn’t even happy in the first place? More than everything, he felt worried. Her words had been too ominous.  
  
So maybe, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise. Maybe the only surprise should have been that it took almost six weeks until the call came. But then, one morning in early February, his mom called him. His heart sank, and he knew, even before he could hear her voice, dark and hollow as if she’d been crying.  
  
“It’s Mama. She passed away last night.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're closing in on the finish line. Except for the part where I'm arriving at the breaking point that I basically figured out even before starting "When The Rain Starts To Pour" and now have problems with because why on earth was this show so damn stupid?  
ANYway, please enjoy the penultimate chapter.

* * *

Arrangements were made ridiculously fast. Robb had been understanding and agreed to have Blaine’s understudy take over for about a week. The funeral itself would be very private, with the wake open. It was easy to forget sometimes what a formidable woman Nonna had been, and how many people had cared about her. Booking the flights was a bit of a headache and turned out a bit more expensive than he’d have liked. But then again, it wasn’t like this was optional.   
  
Lung cancer, already metastasized. She must have gotten the diagnosis only a short while before Christmas, with a very limited prognosis. She had declined therapy, and let nature run its course. In the end, it had been an embolism that killed her. At least this way, it was fast – definitely faster and kinder than prolonging her suffering with chemotherapy. It was certainly the better alternative. And still…  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Rachel said. She had been on her way to meet him to go over their duets again, but immediately switched gear once she heard the news. “Are you okay?”  
  
“As well as I’ll be,” Blaine said, trying to smile.  
  
“Were you close?” Rachel asked.  
  
Blaine nodded, not sure how to put things in words. They had been closer when he was younger, but with the distance of living in New York, he hadn’t seen nearly as much of her as he’d wanted. He should have known, though. After Christmas, he should have known.  
  
“Do you need Jesse to talk to Robb to get you off for a few days?” Rachel asked. “He has quite a lot to say in their production firm by now, I’m sure he can help.”  
  
Blaine shook his head. “Robb’s been great, it’s all taken care off. The funeral’s Friday. I want to fly back home tomorrow, but I have to get hold of Kurt first.”  
  
“He’s meeting Jackie, something about Dracula,” Rachel said. “Jesse thinks it’s not the best idea, to be honest. But well… you know him. Though Jackie seems to like Kurt, so it shouldn’t be a problem for his understudy to step in for a few days.”  
  
Blaine was about to answer when his phone rang. It was Kurt.  
  
“I got your message, are you okay?” He sounded warm, caring, and for a moment Blaine wondered why that came as such a surprise.   
  
“I’m mostly trying to focus on making arrangements,” Blaine said. “It’s all just been… really fast. I know, it’s really last minute, but I’d like to fly back tomorrow. Have some time with my family before the funeral. Robb gave me a few days off. Could you clear with Jackie what’s possible, so I can book our flights?”  
  
There was a pause. “Flights?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, I’m definitely in no shape to drive back to Ohio,” Blaine said. “It won’t be cheap, but there are still some semi-affordable ones around noon.”  
  
“Just wait a second,” Kurt said. “I can’t just leave on such a short notice. Jackie’s considering who to cast in Dracula. I can’t look unreliable right now.”  
  
Blaine blinked, not sure he understood completely what was going on. And then, suddenly, he did.  
  
“You’re not coming with me?” he asked.   
  
Rachel stared at him, her eyes widening. Maybe he should be shocked. To be honest, though, he didn’t feel much of anything.  
  
“I… that’s not… look, I can’t just drop everything with no notice,” Kurt said. “Can we talk about this first?”   
  
“What is there to talk about?” Blaine asked. “I’m going home to bury my grandmother. If that doesn’t seem important enough for you- “  
  
“That’s not it! But you can’t just spring this on me,” Kurt protested.  
  
“Yeah, well, it’s not like I had any warning,” Blaine bit back. Although he kind of had. But what did it matter now? He didn’t want to think about it further. And he definitely didn’t want to argue anymore. “It’s fine. I’ll just book flights for myself.”  
  
“You’re being unfair!”  
  
“Whatever,” Blaine replied. “I’ll see you later.” He ended the call without awaiting an answer, letting his phone drop to the table. He had managed to keep his voice calm, but now he started to feel colder.   
  
“What… did I hear that right?” Rachel asked. “Won’t Jackie let him take some time off?”  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” Blaine said. “I’m going alone.”  
  
“That’s… no, don’t!” Rachel looked at him with a pained expression. “Let me talk to him, I’m sure he’ll see reason.”  
  
“Don’t,” Blaine said. He felt ridiculously tired, and as if he should want to cry. But his eyes remained dry.   
  
“I’m sure he was just surprised,” Rachel said.  
  
“Doesn’t matter,” Blaine replied. “If he doesn’t want to come with me… well, then maybe I don’t want him there.”  
  
“But- “  
  
“If it was Jesse’s family… wouldn’t you go with him?” Blaine asked.  
  
Rachel was clearly flustered. “Well, that’s not a fair comparison, Jesse’s family is _really_ messed up.”  
  
Blaine sighed. “Mine isn’t. This is important to me. And Rachel… I’m tired. I’m so tired of screaming all the time just to be heard. And even when he hears me, he doesn’t listen. So no, I won’t drag him back to Ohio. I don’t have the strength right now.”  
  
Rachel was looking at him, clearly distraught. “I don’t think he understands,” she said softly.  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” Blaine said. “Do you mind… I think I’d like to be alone right now.”  
  
She wasn’t happy, but at least she was going to respect his wishes. As the door closed behind her, Blaine wrapped himself up in a blanket. He knew he should book a flight now, before they got even more expensive. But it was true what he said. He felt just tired. So for now, he just sat down, doing nothing, waiting for the tears that wouldn’t come.

* * *

  
Maybe Rachel had talked to him, or maybe she hadn’t. Either way, the next day Kurt was on the plane with him.  
  
“It’s not that I don’t want to support you,” he had said once he arrived at the loft yesterday. “You just caught me by surprise.”  
  
Blaine remembered the decision he had made, to make their marriage work. He knew he should be more charitable and just accept his words. And really, all Kurt had needed was a moment to think things through before agreeing to be there for him. But he was just too tired. He didn’t even feel disappointed, or relieved, or… anything. He just wished it was over already.  
  
His mother was distraught. Apparently even she hadn’t known about the cancer and was completely blindsided. It was nice to see the way his father was around her, quietly supportive, as if he just understood whatever she needed. Blaine had had doubts about their marriage, and the reasons they stayed together – most of the time he was sure his father didn’t understand either his wife or his sons – but in this time of crisis, he understood. And still, he felt… removed. Kurt was hovering beside him, almost but not quite touching. At dinner, there wasn’t much talk. His father was quiet as always, and his mother, usually the heart of the conversation, was too preoccupied not to start crying. Even Cooper seemed not to know what to do or say, which probably was a first. Blaine wasn’t even sure what he expected – that Cooper would start rambling about his show, or that shampoo commercial he’d gotten, bring in some sense of normalcy. Then again, this wasn’t a normal situation. Or maybe he had just missed that his brother had grown up too.   
  
As they were getting ready for the funeral, Blaine found himself standing in front of the mirror, staring. It was weird that he could see nothing strange in his reflection. He seemed put together, all in black, his curls gelled down to the point that not a single hair could even consider falling out of place. Nothing about this image reflected how lost he felt, how hollow. He didn’t even know why he dreaded going to the funeral. Nonna was dead already, this wouldn’t make it more real. It was a good thing that she had at least some choice, hadn’t suffered for a long time. Really, as far as deaths went, this wasn’t such a bad option. Still…  
  
“Not bad.”  
  
He turned around to find Cooper standing in the door, watching him thoughtfully. After a moment of hesitation, he walked up closer.   
  
“So… are you okay?”  
  
Blaine shrugged. “I’m fine,” he said. It sounded completely hollow even to himself, and he didn’t need to look up to realize that his brother wasn’t being convinced in the least.   
  
With a sigh, Cooper stepped beside him, looking him over. He hesitated again, before holding out his hand. In it, he held the dark fabric of a bow tie.  
  
Blaine frowned, taking it. It was soft, probably silk. At closer look, he noticed thin stripes of dark emerald between the black.   
  
“Sebastian asked me to give this to you,” Cooper said softly. “It’s from Venice, apparently the same quarter Nonna grew up in. If you want it?”   
  
Blaine stroked the fabric, wondering. The color was dark enough to not seem garish. Still, green, the color of hope. Slightly woven into the dark fabric, it seemed symbolic. Thoughtful, although that shouldn’t be a surprise. For a moment, he found himself wishing Sebastian was here. A token was better than nothing, though.  
  
“Thank you,” he said softly, as he reached up to loosen the black bow tie he was already wearing.  
  
Cooper stayed beside him as he tied the Italian fabric. He checked himself in the mirror, before turning to his brother. “Okay?”  
  
Cooper smiled, even though Blaine could see the pain behind his eyes. “Perfect.”

* * *

  
The funeral was… fine, really. The stories he heard weren’t completely new, and the eulogy was certainly respectful. It still felt like they were talking about a stranger. He watched his family. His mother’s tears, his father’s quiet support, his brother’s helplessness… and he didn’t know what to feel. He would miss her. How could he not? It had been so sudden that he still hadn’t fully realized it. But she had been sick. She had been dying. This _was_ the kinder option. Shouldn’t he feel better that she didn’t have to suffer? Or was that too callous?  
  
The wake seemed even harder to him. Everyone around him seemed to have their emotions figured out. Blaine felt like he was drifting on the sea. With every person coming up to him to express their condolences, and with every sad smile, and nod, and thank you, he felt more detached. Who were these people anyway? He probably knew less than half the people present. Then again, he didn’t find much comfort in the people he did know…  
  
“I didn’t expect there to be this many people…”  
  
Blaine looked up to see his brother had stepped towards them.  
  
“She must have made quite the impact,” Kurt said. He had an arm around Blaine’s waist. It didn’t draw many looks, and Blaine felt uncomfortable about the few it did. It wasn’t fair, of course. All Kurt wanted was to show support and comfort, to hell with any bigots. The thing was… to Blaine, it felt less like comfort, and more like Kurt was clinging to him in the presence of the family he’d never quite connected with.  
  
Cooper was looking at him, clearly concerned. Blaine shook his head slightly, as if to tell him things were fine. The tiniest of eyerolls told him that Cooper wasn’t buying it for a second.   
  
“You’ve met Nonna a few times, didn’t you?” Cooper asked, looking at Kurt.  
  
“I did,” Kurt said. “I honestly never felt like she was too impressed with me.”  
  
Cooper chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. She wasn’t easily impressed with… well, anyone. She was always special. I heard some of Mom’s stories. Did you know she’s originally from Venice?”  
  
Kurt was listening intently as Cooper went into a “best of” of Nonna’s life stories, and Blaine… he just couldn’t stand it. These were stories their mother had told them a dozen times growing up, the only difference was that now they weren’t attached to a warm, living person – all that was left were the stories.  
  
“Excuse me for a moment,” Blaine said softly.   
  
Cooper nodded, barely noticing him. Kurt gave him a smile, but also seemed easily absorbed into the stories. Who could blame him? They were pretty interesting. Blaine only needed a moment for himself.  
  
He withdrew to the kitchen, pretending to check on the coffee. He had thought it would help to be alone for a moment, not to have to wear whatever mask he kept on right now. But he could still hear people talking outside. He felt crowded, the buzzing of noise outside rising up like a nest of hornets.   
  
It wasn’t the first time that he had felt like this, probably wouldn’t be the last. But he couldn’t break down, not now, not in the middle of Nonna’s wake. She would have wanted him to stay strong, wouldn’t she? She had been strong until the end, dealing with everything on her own, not burdening anyone else. And he couldn’t make this day harder on his mother. There was a tingling in his fingers, slowly rising.   
  
He was going to break down, wasn’t he? It hadn’t been this bad since the Dalton memorial, and back then it had taken Sebastian to pull him out of it…  
  
The kitchen door opened, and someone stepped inside. Blaine closed his eyes, not ready to deal with anyone right now. He wished whoever it was would just grab whatever they needed and leave him. Instead, the steps came closer, and then a hand closed around his arm.   
  
“Oh, sweetheart, come here.”   
  
He turned around at the sound of his mother’s voice. She only had to take one look at him to understand what was going on and pulled him into a hug. He returned it, hiding his face against her shoulder. He hated himself for making this day more difficult for her, felt like he had to explain himself.  
  
“I’m sorry. It’s just… all these people…” He stopped, unable to formulate just what was going on in his mind.   
  
But maybe his mom understood. With a sigh, she softly pushed a strand of hair behind his ear. “Sweetheart, if it’s too much for you… I don’t think anyone will have a problem, if you sneak away to your piano for a bit.”  
  
“But Mom… everyone here…”  
  
She sighed. “They have enough people to talk to, believe me. If I could, I’d sneak away myself.” As she noticed his hesitation, she smiled. “Go on. Play a song for her.”  
  
It was surprisingly easy to make his way to the stairs and up to the piano room. It looked the same as always, as if nobody had been here since the last time he’d been home. He knew it wasn’t true, of course, at least the tuner must have been here, but he appreciated the care his mother put into upholding this impression.  
  
He rested his hands on the keys, closing his eyes. He tried to think of something… meaningful, something special. Something his Nonna would have liked. As he sat there, trying to think of the right melodies, he felt trapped. He’d thought he’d feel better away from all those peoples, like that tension underneath his skin could dissolve if he was on his own. But now, that he was, he realized that the people around him had never been the problem. How was he supposed to escape a problem when it was from within his own mind? Even his mother hadn’t been able to dispel that lump in his throat, the subtle way it had become harder to breathe.  
  
It shouldn’t be like this. After all, he wasn’t a child anymore. This was undeniably harder on his mother than him. He had no right to put himself into the center of anything. His family had enough things to concern themselves with, dealing with the loss as well as organizing and hosting everything else. Maybe this was a job for a husband, but Kurt’s track record on talking him down from an edge had always been more miss than hit.   
  
Again, his thoughts returned to the day of the Dalton memorial. Sebastian had been able to calm him down, ground him again. But Sebastian was in Los Angeles, hours away even if he randomly got onto a plane this moment. Not that that was even an option.   
  
But there were options. He closed his eyes, pondering the idea that had just come to him. Really, though, what harm would it do?  
  
His hands were barely shaking as he took out his phone and scrolled through his contacts for Sebastian’s number. He breathed carefully – four seconds out, two seconds pause, four seconds in, and again, and again, waiting…  
  
And then, finally…  
  
“Hey…”  
  
Blaine released his breath at the sound of Sebastian’s voice. Strange, how this alone seemed to be enough to take some pressure off his chest.   
  
“Hi…” he said, surprised at how steady the word came out. “Sorry for calling out of the blue.”  
“No, I should have called you,” Sebastian replied. “I just… I figured you have enough on your plate right now. I’m really sorry about your grandmother. She was pretty impressive.”  
  
“You met her once,” Blaine said.  
  
“Twice,” Sebastian said.  
  
Blaine nodded, then realized that his friend couldn’t see him. For a moment, silence settled between them. This was probably the point where he was supposed to say why he was calling. Still, the words somehow escaped him.  
  
“So… what are you doing?” he asked instead.  
  
Sebastian chuckled. “Drinking coffee,” he said. “I had an exam earlier, but it was fine.”  
  
“Oh, that’s… that’s good,” Blaine said.   
  
“That’s not why you’re calling though,” Sebastian said. Of course, even from the other end of the country he managed to see right through him. “So… how are you holding up?”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. It wasn’t really a new question. Enough people had asked him if he was okay. But then again, it had always been that same question. Are you okay? A yes or no question, leaving no space for explaining this mess of thoughts and fears swirling around in his head. Yes or no, way too simple.   
  
“I really don’t know,” he said.  
  
“Okay…?” Sebastian’s voice rose up at the end of the sentence, leaving space to elaborate, expand.  
  
And suddenly, all those thoughts came spilling out. How it hurt that she was gone. How it hurt even more that she had known and hadn’t told them, hadn’t given them a chance to prepare, except for some cryptic words. How he treasured that goodbye more than anything, even if he hadn’t understood what it meant. How he was so fucking grateful that she wouldn’t have to suffer through chemotherapy, only to die an awful, painful, wasting death anyway. How this was what she would have wanted, actually was what she’d chosen. About the guilt he felt for even thinking this, because this was his grandmother, and she was _dead_, and how the hell could that ever be considered a positive thing?  
  
He wasn’t even sure how long he’d been talking by the time he ran out of steam, but eventually, he couldn’t think of anything else. Only then did he realize the tears in his face. But breathing was easier, and his hand wasn’t shaking. Somewhere, in a remote part of his brain, he wondered what Sebastian would think of him, and the tirade he’d just unleashed. To his own surprise, he realized he wasn’t worried.  
  
After another moment of silence, Sebastian spoke.  
  
“You’re kind of a mess, hm?”  
  
Blaine laughed, and for the first time in days, it felt real, and free. “I really am,” he admitted.  
  
“It’s okay, though. You know that, right?”  
  
Blaine frowned. “What do you mean?”  
  
“I know it’s hard to lose someone,” Sebastian said. “It’s always sad. But sometimes, when you consider the alternative…” He sighed. “I’m just saying, it can be sad and okay at the same time.”  
  
Blaine closed his eyes. Was that all he needed to hear? That it was okay to feel conflicted, and hurt, and relieved, and a whole mess of emotions? How was something so simple enough to calm down the storm inside his mind?  
  
“Feeling better?”  
  
Blaine smiled. “I actually do. Thank you.”  
  
He could hear the smile through the phone when his friend spoke again.  
  
“Anytime, killer.”

* * *

  
It was ridiculous how fast his life returned to normal. Before he knew it, they were back in New York, and he was once more becoming Tony on stage. But even though everything seemed weirdly familiar, something was different.   
  
With the success of Westside Story, Robb was moving on to new projects, Jesse now a firm part of the team. Blaine hadn’t heard anything particular, but he could tell that the show’s run was coming to a close. He didn’t know yet what Robb and Jesse were going to produce next, or whether he would audition, although he was certain that they’d want Rachel as their female lead. They would be stupid not to use her talent. With the success of Westside Story, he probably didn’t have bad chances to continue with them. It would be something familiar.  
  
And still, he could feel it in the air. Change. Something _was_ coming.   
  
Did he really want to stay with their production company? Or was it time to do something else?   
  
The thought wouldn’t leave him lately. Maybe it was a natural reaction to having a family member die, to wonder what to do with his life, or what he wanted from his future. What was he going to leave behind? What was he going to do ten years from now? Did he want stardom? A family? Happiness? What even was that?  
  
Whatever his future would hold, he at least wouldn’t have to be worried anytime soon.  
  
He had always low-key assumed he had been Nonna’s favorite. It was beyond strange to have this feeling confirmed by the numbers in his bank account. He knew it wasn’t an actual fortune. But for a fledgling Broadway actor basically just out of college – it kind of was. He waited until everything had been taken care of, before he even mentioned the inheritance, let alone speak of numbers.  
  
Kurt stared at him, his mouth falling open like a fish out of water.  
  
“So… I guess we’re going to be financially secure for now,” Blaine said.  
  
Kurt blinked. “Well… yeah. We could say we are. Have you thought about it, though?”  
  
“What do you mean?”  
  
Kurt shrugged. “It’s just… this is a _lot_ of money. But you know how bills stack up, and if you just use it for everyday expenses, it’ll just disappear like it never existed. Maybe it would be a better idea to… well, to use it for something special. Or save it until there is something special to use it on.”  
  
Blaine nodded. “I’ve been thinking about this too,” he said. “I just don’t know what we could use it on yet. It should be something… important.”  
  
“Let’s save it then, until you know.”  
  
That had settled it for the moment. There was no rush to figure out what to do with the money. He would figure it out, eventually. He knew the decision would come with others, with the question of what he really wanted from his life and what happiness meant to him. All of those were questions he knew he wasn’t ready to answer yet. He was fine putting it off for now.  
  
And then, the question was suddenly back on the table again. One afternoon, Blaine came back with groceries, only to find Kurt and Rachel at their table, their heads put together over Kurt’s laptop, bridal magazines discarded all over the place. Blaine told himself not to feel bitter about this. He had thought hearing about their engagement first had been a sign that he and Rachel had gotten closer, but once the wedding planning had started, she had fallen right back into her old BFF relationship. Rachel had decided to have a best man instead a maid of honor, not that anyone had been completely surprised with this. Ever since, the two of them had spent more time together, talking about music, decorations, dresses and a million things that Blaine couldn’t listen to without being reminded that they had gotten married in a barn. It also made Blaine wonder how often he’d fall for that trick, to think he could be at least as important to them, only to be discarded once they rediscovered each other again. Most of his college friends had left New York, and by now he found himself once more in the situation that all his friends – at least the ones he saw regularly – were Kurt’s first.  
  
Except for Sebastian.   
  
“You’re here!” Kurt exclaimed, once he closed the door behind him.  
  
“Oh, you have to look at this!” Rachel said, beaming at him. “Kurt had the most amazing idea!”  
  
“What about?” Blaine asked, as he started to put away the groceries. “Venue?” At least he thought it was the latest issue they had been trying to solve.  
  
“No, not about the wedding,” Rachel said.  
  
“I know what to do with the money,” Kurt said.  
  
Blaine frowned. “You mean… the money Nonna left me?”  
  
“Do we have another fortune hidden away somewhere?” Kurt asked.   
  
Somehow, the sarcasm didn’t sit well with Blaine. He took out a glass and filled it with water, if only to win some time. “I thought we weren’t going to do anything until I figure out what I want to do with it,” he said, slowly approaching them, careful to stress the “I”. But Kurt looked at him clearly thrilled with himself, so he finally gave in and walked over, sitting down with them.   
  
Kurt turned around the laptop. There was a document open, the top of which showed a poster depicting the title of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.  
  
“I don’t understand,” Blaine said, frowning.  
  
“What would you say to an LGBT+ adaptation of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”  
  
“I… don’t know,” Blaine said. “How exactly would that go? Is it still the same story, just genderswapped characters?”  
  
Kurt huffed. “It’s still a concept. I’ve been talking to a producer friend of Jackie’s that I met on the tour, George, and as we were talking, we suddenly came up with that idea. It sounded like a good project, but we didn’t have an idea on where to get the money. And well, now we do. It’s perfect timing, too. You said yourself, West Side Story is coming to an end, and so’s Dorian Gray. Unfortunately, Dracula has hit a bit of a roadblock, so who knows how long that might take… So, why not do our own project? It’s all we wanted. It’s a great story, we’ll add representation, I can do the writing and get practice there, and we can use our money for something great.”  
  
“Wait, are you planning to fund this whole thing on Nonna’s inheritance?” Blaine asked.  
  
“Well, yes, George won’t be able to add much to the funds, although he has tons of connections that will be really helpful. I figured this way, your grandmother can help build our future. Isn’t that something she would have wanted?” Kurt asked.  
  
Blaine remembered their last conversation, and all other conversations they had before. She had supported him being an actor, but she had also always hinted of finding something more lasting.   
  
“I don’t think it is,” he said. “I don’t know… it doesn’t sound like such a smart idea, Kurt.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“You’ve never actually written a play, for a start,” Blaine said.  
  
“I wrote Pip Pip Horray,” Kurt protested.  
  
“I’m sorry, you wrote what?” Rachel asked, frowning.  
  
Blaine sighed. “I’m just saying, there’s a reason you never showed that to anyone but me.”  
  
“What, you think I can’t write a play?” Kurt asked.  
  
“I don’t know, that’s the whole point. I don’t want to risk the last thing I have from my Nonna on something that could blow up in our faces, _or_ something she wouldn’t even be in support of.”  
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
  
“That she certainly didn’t want me to risk throwing it all away. She wanted me to make sure I have a future. Like education, or _family_, or something like that!”  
  
“Like a child?” Rachel asked.  
  
Blaine stared at her, surprised by her interjection. He hadn’t precisely thought about children, not at this point in their lives. Still… it sounded a lot more like something Nonna would have supported. “Something like that,” he said, eventually. “But not this.”  
  
“You don’t believe in me,” Kurt said.  
  
Blaine stared at him, and his first instinct was to defend himself. That of course he believed in Kurt, but that this was something too personal, that he just wasn’t okay with. But Kurt wouldn’t care about what Nonna wanted for him. He suddenly remembered just too easily how Kurt’s first reaction had been to protest why he couldn’t come to the funeral, not to be there for him. He remembered being tired, so tired. And before he made a conscious choice to do so, he found himself speaking.  
  
“In this case? No. I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m not okay with this.”  
  
Kurt stood up, his shoulders drawn up and defensive, his face hurt, and still behind shields that had become just too familiar. At some point, Blaine would have sympathized with him, felt the same pain. Now, he just once more realized how exhausted he was.   
  
“I don’t understand. You’re not happy when I’m working with Jackie, but when I try something else, you’re not on board either.”  
  
“I don’t care about Jackie, I’m appalled you decide to keep working with Glenn,” Blaine replied. “And I would support you if you gave me something sensible to support. This is just a half-cocked idea. You can’t honestly expect me to sink Nonna’s money into this, not when this is definitely not what she would have wanted. So sorry, Kurt. The answer is no. I have no problem with you working on this, or writing for this play, or maybe starring in it, I don’t know. But I’m not going to finance it with her money. I’m sorry.”  
  
“But Blaine- “  
  
“Sorry, I think I forgot something at the store,” he said. He didn’t. But in a place that didn’t allow for any privacy, he wasn’t sure what else he was to do instead leave altogether. At least he stopped himself from slamming the door.  
  
He hadn’t even made it to the ground floor until he realized he forgot his keys. For a moment he wanted to keep going and leave it there, but he wouldn’t be surprised if these two would go off on some wedding business and he’d be locked out. He turned and climbed back up. He quietly opened the door, quickly finding the key on a sideboard. He was ready to ignore any questions about his return, only to realize that he hadn’t even been noticed. The duo seemed quite preoccupied with each other.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kurt said.  
  
“I’m sorry, were you not listening?” Rachel asked. “I’m talking about Blaine!”  
  
Snooping in on conversations wasn’t the polite thing to do. It also held the risk of hearing things one really didn’t want to hear. Blaine knew all that, but still, he pulled the door almost closed and stayed.   
  
“Look, he’ll get over it once he has some time to think it through,” Kurt said. “That’s how we work, it’s always like this. This was barely a fight.”  
  
“It _wasn’t_ a fight,” Rachel said. “Don’t you realize this is a bad thing?”  
  
“Since when is not fighting bad?” Kurt asked, the skepticism dripping from every word.  
  
“Can’t you see? He’s _stopped_ fighting. How can you possibly imagine that to be a good thing? I’ve seen you two over the years. Blaine always fought for you, did you never notice? And now he’s… not.”  
  
“What was there to fight here?” Kurt asked.  
  
“Not just here. Remember when his grandmother died, and you didn’t want to go with him?”  
  
“I went with him!” Kurt protested.  
  
“But your first reaction was to tell him no. And Blaine… he just let it go. He wouldn’t even fight to have you with him. That’s resignation. That’s… that’s poison for a relationship, Kurt.”  
  
Resignation… Blaine hadn’t quite thought of it that way, more about feeling tired. But in the end, it came down to the same thing. What was the point of fighting, if he was the only one doing it? If he was the only one who even realized there was a fight going on?  
  
Kurt didn’t seem to see it that way, as he kept talking. “You’re ridiculous. Look, I was caught off guard. But I went with him. I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this. So, we don’t see eye to eye all the time. We’ve been married for more than three years, the honeymoon goggles don’t stay on forever. You’ll figure this out eventually. You’re not an expert on relationships after being engaged for like two seconds.”  
  
“Don’t go attacking me, Kurt Hummel! All I’m saying is you have to be careful. If you don’t knock it off, you’re going to lose him.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
When Rachel spoke again, she sounded worried. “It’s like you keep taking up so much space… you’re not leaving any for him, or your marriage. That’s not healthy, and it’s not good for either of you. And lately, it’s like you two are just living parallel lives, like there’s barely any connection, and Kurt… don’t you see he’s unhappy? The only time I really see him glow is on stage. He barely talks about his life outside the shows. It’s not like him. Blaine used to be so vibrant, and it’s like he’s… fading. Look, I love you, you know that, and I want you to be happy. But you have to do something. If not…”  
  
“Blaine would never leave me,” Kurt said. For the first time in forever, he actually sounded uncertain of himself, as if that thought had never occurred to him before.   
  
_Do you want a divorce_? Cooper’s voice taunted him in his thoughts.  
  
“He’s unhappy,” Rachel said, “you can’t ignore that forever. Why would you want to ignore it?”  
  
Blaine could hear a chair moving, and then he heard steps. Even from sound alone he recognized Kurt’s pacing.  
  
“I don’t understand why we’re talking about this. I have an idea to build something for us, and he’s just not on board. He won’t even listen. How am I the bad guy here?”  
  
“Because you don’t talk,” Rachel said. Now, she sounded resigned. “You’re not a bad guy, but sometimes it’s like you take him for granted.”  
  
“And what am I supposed to do?” Kurt asked, clearly exasperated.  
  
“Look at yourself, are _you_ happy?” Rachel shot back. “I’m on your side here, Kurt. I love the both of you, but it’s like you’re losing each other. Is this what you promised each other at your wedding? Is this how you imagined things to be?”  
  
“I didn’t, okay?” Now, Kurt was yelling. “I never even got the chance to think about what I want from marriage because from one moment to the other, I just suddenly was married! I didn’t have time to think about anything! And I’ve been trying to make this work, but I won’t just disappear inside Blaine Devon I-Get-Cast-In-Anything-Without-Even-Trying Anderson’s fairy tale. This is my life, too, Rachel! You don’t see how easy this is for him, and I have to struggle at every step. The one time I catch a break, he spends every second moping about it because one person in the production company is a bit of a sleaze, only to turn around every single time there’s a problem to run and get his ego stroked by the ultimate king of sleaze! And still, I’m trying to make it work, to find something we can build together. But he isn’t interested, because he doesn’t need it, does he? He lucked into an iconic role by knowing the right people and having the right look, and once that ends, of course he’s going to move on to their next project, and everything will be fine for Blaine, and I have to struggle again to find something to do. I’m tired of it, I’m tired of having to fight for literally everything, and know that he won’t ever get it, and I’m… I’m tired!”  
  
There was silence, and Blaine found himself leaning against the wall for support. That was a lot of resentment, pent up over the years. He remembered another time, another fight, sitting on Kurt’s bed as he was being yelled at about being an alpha-gay and not paying enough attention to his boyfriend. An old argument that he thought was in the past. Then again, how could arguments ever really be in the past if they never got resolved?   
  
This though?  
  
This was ridiculous, really. How could Kurt even still think of him this way, after seeing him knocked down, again and again? In a distant part of his mind he wondered whether he should feel upset, or guilty, or analyze his own faults and mistakes. But mostly, he felt numb. Was this what their marriage had become? He thought back to that day at Dalton, and the question whether he’d made a mistake. He had known it had been, but he still had thought he could make something out of it. Well, at least he hadn’t been alone with this feeling.  
  
He barely caught Rachel’s next words.  
  
“Kurt… I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were this unhappy.”  
  
“I’m not,” Kurt said, although he sounded exhausted. “But life isn’t a fairy tale. There is no happily ever after. You keep going anyway. And even if things aren’t great… I know how miserable I was without him. Even this… This is better. Just because it’s not always sunshine and roses, it doesn’t change that I love him.”  
  
After a moment of silence, Rachel spoke again. “I don’t think this is working, Kurt. I mean… should it really be so hard?”  
  
“It’s life,” Kurt replied. “You _make_ it work. Because… well, what else is there?”  
  
What else, indeed? They were silent for a while, and Blaine decided he had heard enough. He walked down the stairs, slowly, his mind empty. He remembered the number, burning through his thoughts. What were they even holding onto at this point?  
  
Then again, it was easy for him, wasn’t it? He could step away any time, in theory. One phone call, and everything would be taken care of. He had an exit strategy, built in almost from the start of their marriage. Was he making things too easy for himself?  
  
He could feel the twitch in his fingers, the urge to call. He could hear Sebastian’s voice in his ears, soft, alluring. When he closed his eyes, he could feel his hands in his hair, and his lips, that kiss…  
  
It would be easy, so easy. End it, right now, right here. Don’t look back, just leave. Almost four years of marriage, gone in a second.  
  
But it wasn’t that easy, was it? He thought back on all those memories they’d shared. The boys they’d been. Blackbird and Teenage Dream, and all the shared experiences. It deserved more than being thrown away on a whim, more consideration than this.   
  
With a sigh, Blaine took out his phone, and switched it off.   
  
Maybe tomorrow, when he could stand to think of it. Maybe another day.  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we have arrived, the breaking point. I knew that one before When The Rain Starts To Pour really formed in my head, although it turned out harder than expected because WHY can't this show ever make sense?  
So in honor to Glee's last idiotic plot point, let's bring in another Glee tradition, the dramatic serenade, because why not? (Song is "Romeo & Juliet" by Dire Straits)
> 
> So here we are, at (mostly) the end of this ride, except for a short epilogue that will follow most likely within the next few days.   
I'd like to than everyone taking their time to read this fic, special thanks to those who took some more time to comment, which I very much enjoyed reading and really helped me to continue with this story and bring it to this point.
> 
> Anyway, let's set our boy free, shall we?

* * *

Callbacks really hadn’t changed much since the last time he’d been here, a short while before Kurt’s graduation. Blaine had never gotten quite comfortable with the place. Too many bad memories, and it wasn’t helping that it was still a NYADA hangout, the school being another thing he didn’t like to think about too much. But Rachel had insisted they needed to blow off some steam and had dragged him off to meet Jesse for a few drinks. And he had to admit, there was something about watching these two around each other – still so very much in love, it was almost sickeningly sweet.  
  
“You seem distracted,” Jesse noted.  
  
Blaine shrugged. “It’s nothing. It’s just…” He looked around. “I’m not sure this is really still our scene.”  
  
“Kind of an ‘I wish I could go back to college’ vibe, right? By the way, did you ever consider Avenue Q? I think Kurt mentioned you used to have a Muppet? Because I know a guy…”  
  
Blaine groaned, putting his head down into his arms to hide his face. Was bringing up bad memories tonight’s theme?  
  
“We’re not that much older than everyone else,” Rachel protested.   
  
“You just like that the students recognize you,” Jesse teased.  
  
“What’s wrong with that?” Rachel asked, laughter in her voice.  
  
“Nothing wrong with basking in well-deserved admiration,” Jesse admitted. “Though there is something wrong with what they call a Brandy Alexander…”  
  
Blaine had to crack a smile when Jesse grimaced at his drink, grateful that there weren’t many ways to screw up a bottle of beer.  
  
“So Blaine, did you think about what you were going to do next?” Jesse asked. “Because I’ve got to tell you, we have a pretty good show planned.”  
  
“Stop it,” Rachel said, “we’re not here for a pitch meeting, remember?”  
  
“What are we here for?” Blaine asked, frowning at her. He hadn’t thought there was a particular purpose to a night out drinking, but now that he thought it about it, Rachel had been quite insistent.  
  
“What? Nothing. Just, you know, have a few drinks, spend time together, _hanging out_…”   
  
Rachel really didn’t have a poker face sometimes… but before Blaine had a chance to demand to know why exactly he was here, someone cleared their throat on the stage microphone. Blaine turned, only a slight interest on who was there. He froze, when he saw it was Kurt standing there, looking around for a moment, before catching his eye.  
  
“Hey, everyone. I graduated from NYADA a while ago, but I find this is still the best venue for a special performance.”  
  
Blaine stared at the stage, then looked at Rachel critically. She was looking at him excitedly, as if she couldn’t wait for his reaction. Jesse didn’t seem quite as convinced.  
  
“I want do dedicate this performance to the most important person in my life. I know, sometimes I’m not saying the right things, or can’t find the right words. But Blaine… I hope you understand how precious you are to me, when I express myself in the best way I know – through song.”  
  
He took a deep breath, nodded to the guitar player, who Blaine now recognized as one of Jackie’s associates, and smiled as the first notes stared to draft over the crowd. Blaine frowned, trying to remember where he’d heard the melody before. But he couldn’t quite place it, until Kurt started singing about love-struck Romeo. Then, he vaguely remembered.   
  
Kurt’s voice was beautiful, even if the song wasn’t exactly in his range. But as he kept singing over Romeo serenading Juliet on her balcony, he wasn’t quite sure how that fit their situation. He threw a glance over to Rachel, but she still just smiled at him. Was this supposed to mean anything?  
  
_And I forget, I forget the movie song.  
When you gonna realize? It was just that the time was wrong…  
Juliet…  
  
_The words struck him in a way he hadn’t expected.  
  
It was just that the time was wrong… The words rang in his head, Sebastian’s voice, that sad smile, and all the other memories that Blaine tried to suppress.   
  
On the stage, Kurt kept singing, about how strained things had become between Romeo and Juliet. That was maybe closer to home, but still Blaine felt uneasy. Between the bitterness and blame, as well as suppressing memories of another man’s kiss, this had to be the most uncomfortable he’d ever been over a serenade. Why would Kurt think this fit? Did he really think Blaine was pushing him away over “chains of silver, chains of gold”? What kind of apology was this even supposed to be?   
  
And even when the tone changed again, got somber and nostalgic, Blaine didn’t feel swept away. He felt utterly detached, that even that promise – _Juliet, I’d do the stars with you anytime_ – barely touched him.   
  
As Kurt sang the last notes, the guitar went on for several chords before fading into silence. For a moment, Blaine thought everyone’s eyes were on him, but soon he realized, nobody really seemed to care. The only eyes that were on him were Kurt’s, and Rachel’s. Even Jesse looked around, as if he felt uncomfortable being there. Blaine remembered glee club, and how back this, this was probably the moment where he’d have to go up on stage, and answer in song, wondering just what he’d sing in return. He then realized that McKinley and its weird rules were far behind them. They were adults, and if he wanted to say something, he would have to use his words.   
  
And oh, did he have words.  
  
He was aware of the hopeful smile in Rachel’s face, Jesse still skeptical about the whole thing, as he watched Kurt approaching him, stopping right in front of him and smiling.  
  
“What do you think?” he asked.  
  
Blaine sighed, shaking his head. “Can we talk? Outside?”  
  
“Of course,” Kurt said, pulling him to his feet and leading the way out.   
  
The air outside was cool, refreshing. But it didn’t help calm down his nerves as they walked a few steps. He just tried to order his thoughts, figure out what to start with, when Kurt started speaking. Apparently, the song wasn’t everything he had prepared.  
  
“I know we haven’t been on the same page lately,” Kurt said, “and I know that’s partially my fault. I guess it’s easy to lose track of the important things, between shows and productions and making it as actors. There’s just not much stability in our field, and it’s so easy to get lost in it all, so you take the few stable things for granted. I think that’s what’s been happening. It might even be a good sign, that I feel so confident in the bond between us, that I just… you know, forget sometimes to properly care for it.”  
  
“Rachel talked to you,” Blaine said softly. He could have figured out this much even if he hadn’t heard them.   
  
“It’s not just her,” Kurt said, a hint of protest in his voice. “Although I’d lie if I said she didn’t wash my head the other day. But she’s right. I’ve been taken you for granted, and I promised once to never do this again. And I’m sorry. I don’t ever want to lose you. You’re too important. _We’re_ too important. So, this is me promising to not fall back into this trap.”   
  
Kurt was smiling at him, his posture strong and confident. Blaine had a suspicion that he must have practiced this little speech a few times, and still, it sounded heartfelt. He remembered high school, and college, and the speeches he heard in the past. Promises not to fall out of contact, promises to keep their relationship alive, to not forget him again… As sweet as Kurt’s words sounded, this wasn’t the first time he heard them. They felt like a cover of a song he used to love – familiar enough to pluck on the same old strings, but not enough to actually make him feel anything.  
  
“So what do you think?” Kurt asked, slightly surprised. He probably had expected an answer sooner.   
  
“What’s different?” Blaine asked.  
  
Kurt frowned. “What do you mean?”  
  
“You promised this before, Kurt. But it feels like we keep coming back to this point. So, what’s going to be different this time? Just _how_ do you plan to not fall into the same traps again? How-“ He stopped himself. The words sounded familiar, but in his mind, they weren’t spoken in his own voice.  
  
“I love you,” Kurt said.   
  
Blaine sighed. “I know you do,” he said. “When you think of it. That has never been the problem. It’s just… it’s like we live off these moments, these big gestures, but it’s the everyday that kills us.”  
  
“I want to try,” Kurt said, his voice small in a way that sounded foreign, in a way that Blaine hadn’t heard in years.  
  
And still, the words struck a chord with him. “I’ve been trying for almost four years, in case you haven’t noticed.”  
  
“And you think I haven’t?” Kurt asked. His stance was getting more defensive, and his voice higher, brighter, as if he was getting ready for attack, although there was another note in his tone that he couldn’t quite name. Usually, Blaine would step back, maybe lament why he couldn’t get through to Kurt without raising his shields. Now, even this didn’t seem to quite touch him.  
  
“Look, that was a sweet song, but it doesn’t change anything. I need more than words, Kurt. I need…” Nonna’s words came back to him. “I need something _real_.”  
  
“This _is_ real,” Kurt insisted, taking his hand. And suddenly, Blaine realized what that note in his voice was. Despair. Such a strange sentiment, to think that he should have this kind of power over Kurt. It was almost too much to consider, so he continued.   
  
“These moments are nice,” Blaine said, “but if it doesn’t shine through into the daily routine, into the everyday… then I’m sorry, it’s not enough.”  
  
“What do you want me to do?” Kurt asked.   
  
Blaine lowered his eyes. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “But this… this isn’t working. And singing me a song won’t change it.” He couldn’t look up, didn’t want to see the despair overtaking Kurt’s face, the tears welling up in his eyes.   
  
“So now it’s all on me?” Kurt asked. “Like you’re perfect and can do no wrong.”  
  
“I never said I was,” Blaine said. “But… aren’t you tired?”  
  
Kurt stared at him in a way he couldn’t bear.   
  
“Because I am,” Blaine said. “And this… what we’re doing… it’s not fair to either of us. And ignoring it won’t get us anywhere.”  
  
Kurt was still looking at him, completely helpless. None of this seemed to go the way he’d expected. But then again, nothing had really gone as planned in the last few years.   
  
Blane sighed. “I’m tired. I’ll just head back, okay?”  
  
Kurt looked at him, blinking, a sheen of moisture over his eyes. He looked younger, smaller than usual. But slowly, he nodded, letting him go.  
  
Blaine nodded and turned, trying his best not to look like he was running away. He couldn’t quite believe he’d said all these things to Kurt. Strange enough, it felt like he’d somehow won an altercation. But he couldn’t feel happy about it. Honestly, he barely felt anything. Even the cold wind couldn’t reach through the numbness spreading over him. What then did it mean?  
  
“Tomorrow,” he told himself. “When I can stand it.”  
  
It couldn’t silence that feeling deep inside. Winds of change, and something coming.  
  
Something _was_ coming.  
  


* * *

Some mornings, Blaine wasn’t sure why he was still doing this. But every morning he got up, started the day, had small talk with his husband, and… just kept going. He wondered if a confrontation like the one at callbacks shouldn’t have any form of consequences. Then again, which serenade ever had? The Gap Attack, sure, and probably that time Kurt scheduled a session of couple’s therapy with the least qualified counselor ever, but mostly, it was just song and dance and then the problems were ignored until they came up again – because how could they not, when nothing ever was resolved?  
  
That was Sebastian’s voice, right there in his head, all the things he’d warned about four years ago. He’d been right. Blaine just wondered when he’d allowed these words to take root within his mind.  
  
West Side Story closed, still a success. Robb seemed to be of the opinion to end on a high note, and Blaine figured it wasn’t the worst idea. They had built up a sort of interim show until they prepared to launch their new main project. Blaine still hadn’t decided whether he’d sign up for more, and he knew, he’d have to make his choice very soon. It probably wasn’t a bad idea, but that would still take months. While he didn’t have to worry about finances in the meantime, he was slightly concerned what it would do to his mental state to have this much time to spend thinking.   
  
His thoughts had become exhausting lately, and way too melancholic. What was he going to do with his life? What expectations did he have for his future? What was he even doing? The one thing he was sure of was, this wasn’t happiness. It felt as if West Side Story had been the last bright spot in his life. Now, even his career seemed to take a break. His friendship with Rachel once more cooled down as the wedding preparations glued her closer to Kurt. His college friends had moved away. Even as the weather turned warmer, he felt lonelier than he had in a long time.   
  
And his marriage…

More and more, his thoughts wandered to the number, to change. He was restless, and he wished he had someone to talk to. He considered Rachel, but she was too close to the situation. Cooper was really busy at the moment. He thought about calling Sam back in Ohio, but how would he even begin to explain the whole situation?  
  
More than anything, he wanted to talk to Sebastian. But he didn’t dare to call him, not trusting himself to not make it The Call. Which, just maybe, told him everything he needed to know.   
  
He tried to distract himself. He even – on Jesse’s insistence – went to that Avenue Q audition, wondering whether Princeton’s search for a purpose might resonate with him. It honestly hadn’t gone half-bad. He’d even been invited to a few drinks afterwards and given a chance to chat up the casting directors. Maybe this could be something new for him. Something meaningful. He felt almost hopeful when he returned back to the loft.

As he walked through the door, he wasn’t quite surprised to find Rachel and Kurt sitting together, chatting about something. The atmosphere changed completely though once they noticed his presence.   
  
“There you are!” Kurt said, beaming at him.   
  
Rachel, too, looked absolutely ecstatic, almost jumping to her feet to greet him with a hug.  
  
“Hey, guys,” Blaine said. “What’s going on?” Behind them, he noticed something lying on the table. Frowning, he stepped past Rachel, picking it up. It was fabric, a onesie now that he got a closer look at it. He froze, excitement bubbling up inside him. Was Rachel- What else could it mean? He was about to turn to her, congratulate and bask in the shared happiness, when he noticed the print on the fabric.  
  
_I <3 my Dads._  
  
He dropped it as if it burnt him.

“What the hell is this?” he asked, turning to the two of them.

“It’s a onesie, silly!” Rachel sounded giddy in a way he hadn’t heard since high school. She clearly wasn’t going to be more helpful than this.  
  
He looked at Kurt, careful not to let his expression fall completely. “Kurt… care to explain?”   
  
“Isn’t it obvious?” Kurt asked. He was smiling, as if he was holding back the most amazing news.   
  
Blaine started to feel nauseated.  
  
Kurt stood up and walked up to him, taking both his hands, before he started speaking. In a distant part of his mind, Blaine wondered if this had been rehearsed.   
  
“I’ve been thinking a lot,” he said, “about what you said to me, at Callbacks, and the other day when we talked about Virginia Woolf. And… I think I get it now. It’s perfectly normal to feel lost once you lose a family member. I remember what a mess I was after Finn died… so you try to hold on to what you have, and onto family, especially if that was important to her. I understand that.”  
  
Blaine had his doubts. He looked at the fabric lying on the table, then back to his husband. “How does any of that lead to a onesie?” he asked.  
  
“Well, remember how I said I wanted Virginia Woolf as our next project?” he asked. “Our baby, so to speak.”  
  
Blaine withdrew his hands, staring at Kurt as if he lost his mind. “A show is not a baby.”  
  
Kurt rolled his eyes, as if Blaine was being especially ridiculous. “Well, obviously. But I realized, maybe you were so upset about spending money on a metaphorical baby, because your grandmother would have preferred an actual baby.”  
  
It was a strange experience. Blaine knew there were words, and really, lots of very colorful ones were swirling around his brain right now, and still, none seemed to make it past his lips.  
  
“I figured this is the perfect way to use the money. Rachel already agreed to be our surrogate, we thought we could do what her dads did and you know… mix and leave it to chance, and we can prepare till the baby comes, and in the meanwhile, we can write and produce Virginia Woolf. So, a real baby and a metaphorical one. What do you say?”  
  
Blaine took a break from staring at Kurt to look at Rachel. “You… you think this is a good idea?”  
  
Rachel beamed at him. “I think it’s the perfect solution. I know you’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately. Maybe a baby can bring you two closer together. And you know I’d do anything for you two.”  
  
Ice seemed to be flowing through his veins, muting Rachel’s continued talking about how helpful it would be for the baby to have the birth mother around as an aunt.

A baby.

A child to bring them closer together, to fix the mess their marriage had become. In his memory, he heard Sebastian’s bitter laughter. _Does it ever work out_?   
  
“What do you say?” Kurt asked, a slight frown appearing in his face. Maybe he started to realize that like his serenade, this conversation didn’t have the effect on Blaine he had hoped.

Blaine turned to Rachel again. “I think you should leave,” he said, trying to sound calm and not like the mess he felt. “Kurt and I need to talk.”  
  
Finally, the smile faded from her face. She shot a look to Kurt, then back to him. After a moment of hesitation, she nodded. She seemed to consider hugging both or either of them for a moment, but something in Blaine’s face must have changed her mind, as she turned around and just left.   
  
“I don’t understand,” Kurt said once the door closed behind her. “Isn’t this what you want?”  
  
Blaine stared at him. “How on earth can you think this is what I want? Where is this even coming from? When have we _ever_ talked about children?”  
  
“Of course we did!” Kurt protested. “We always said we’d have children someday, and that we’d need a surrogate, and who would be better than Rachel?”  
  
“That was fantasizing, Kurt! Random talk about things we can do in the future! Not once did we talk about concrete plans, or a timeline, or _anything_!” He stepped back, running a hand through his curls. “What were you thinking?” he asked, surprised by how exhausted he sounded.  
  
Kurt stared at him, disbelief in his eyes. This was clearly not how he had imagined this conversation to go. Well, Blaine had different ideas about how the night was going, and here they were.  
  
When Kurt started talking, he sounded insecure in a way Blaine wasn’t sure he even heard since high school, back at Dalton, back when the worst spy he’d ever seen had tried to crash their rehearsal.  
  
“You said it yourself, we’re not working,” Kurt said. “And I know, it’s because we focus on everything but us. This… this can save our marriage. We’d have something to focus on, a child to raise, to become a real family. And just think how our parents would be thrilled about a little one. That could be the something real you wanted. A real family. You and me, and the little one, and Rachel… Imagine it. That, and our own show. We could be happy. Don’t you want to be happy?”

It was so much easier to look at anything but his husband. But that wasn’t fair. He owed Kurt this much. He closed his eyes, and for a moment, he did imagine. A screaming baby. He’d be running himself ragged between caring for it and preparing for auditions. Kurt would be annoyed by the screaming, the diapers, the spit-up... Rachel would dance around, always somehow part and not part of their family. And that was only the baby times. Just to think of the child growing up – and the two of them, mid-twenties, and immature, and so not equipped to raise as much as a pet hamster, driving each other and the child and Rachel insane with the stress…

Eventually, he shook his head.

“This is not the way, Kurt. How would that even work? We’re barely holding on now, do you really think throwing the stress of a baby would make things better? Like we’d stop fighting when there’s so much more stress added…”

“But… I thought you wanted a family,” Kurt said.

“I do! Some time in the future. But, Kurt, we’re _way_ too young! I’m like a year out of college. Neither of us has an established career. We can barely take care of ourselves, how the hell are we supposed to look after a child? And what would that do with Rachel, having her carry a child and then give it away? What about her wedding? And what does Jesse say?”

“Well, clearly we didn’t talk to Jesse before we talk to you,” Kurt said.

“Oh, but obviously you and Rachel are discussing it first,” Blaine said, surprised at his own bitterness. “Like that’s not part of the problem…”

“Do you have an issue with Rachel now?” Kurt asked.

“No, I’m having an issue with the fact that the first person you talk to about you and me starting a family is _Rachel_!”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “We’re talking right now. Well, I’m talking, you’re yelling for some reason.”

Blaine stepped back, shaking his head. “Don’t you see how completely insane this is? We’re a mess. We haven’t been in synch in… months, if not longer. I don’t even remember the last time we slept together. We don’t talk, we don’t even really share our lives anymore. We’re barely more than roommates at this point. And you think this is the situation to bring a child in?”

Eventually, Kurt deflated, but there was a spark in his eyes. Something else was coming.

“Therapy, then.”

Blaine frowned, surprised at this sudden switch of gears. “What?”

“Marriage counseling,” Kurt said, as if it was the easiest solution in the world. Maybe to him it was. “We’ll get our marriage back on track. We’re going to be okay. I’ll call Mrs. Schuster if she knows any therapists in New York.”

“That’s… that’s it?” Blaine asked. “Counseling, and all our problems will just vanish?”  
  
“Obviously not, it’s not magic. But… we’re lost. We need help. I get wrapped up in my own stuff, so I need to learn to slow down and look after you, too. And well, you just have to learn to speak up instead of burying all your feelings and running off to whine to someone else instead of telling me what your problem is.”

Blaine stared at him in disbelief. So that was what Kurt thought their issues were? That Blaine needed him to slow down? That it was Blaine’s own fault for not speaking up? And of course, obviously, again and again – Sebastian. Somewhere he realized that this was just so… un_fair_, but even that felt distant. There was something else, an idea that he was just about to grasp, just out of his reach… He felt as if he was standing on a cliff, impossibly close to an abyss he’d been ignoring for a long time. He could almost see it… 

Instead, he found himself talking, as if that could help him understand, or maybe evade what was coming.

“Do you know why I don’t speak up?”

Kurt frowned, clearly not expecting this reply.

“I’m tired of screaming to be heard at all, Kurt. It’s like you don’t even notice me when I just tell you something. I have to scream at the top of my lungs for you to even notice me. And even then… what’s the point? Even when you hear what I say, you’re not _listening_.”

“What’s that even supposed to mean?” Kurt asked. “I can hear you just fine. You just never tell me when you have a problem and expect me to just read your mind!”

“And what about Glenn?”

Kurt actually had the gall to roll his eyes. “Are you seriously starting with that again?”

There was a taste of bile at the back of his throat, but this time, Blaine wouldn’t back down.

“I told you he harassed me, that I was uncomfortable around him. And you didn’t care. You told yourself it wasn’t that bad, or that I imagined it, all so you could get what _you_ want. So, tell me, when you don’t even care when I tell you something like this, why should I bother telling you _anything_?”

“So, you want me to sacrifice my complete career because you felt uncomfortable once?”

“I want my _husband_ to give a damn about me,” Blaine bit back. “And don’t talk to me about sacrifice. When have you ever given up _anything_ for me, or this marriage? Like one aspect of your life would be different if I wasn’t around.”

“Excuse me?” Kurt snapped.

His tone was sharp as a knife, and to his own surprise, Blaine realized that he did not care. His usual instinct of stepping back, placating Kurt’s temper, seemed to have completely dissolved, and he wasn’t sure why. Was it the idea of bringing a child into their misery? The sheer lunacy that Kurt could even begin to think this would fix their issues? Or was he just really this tired?

Still, as Kurt kept talking, Blaine felt the strangest rush inside him, the abyss in front of him widening up.

“How can you be upset with me for not giving up the one career opportunity that opened up? Like you can even understand what that meant for me! You don’t know what it means to struggle. You just stumble into roles without even trying! And the one time I find something – not because of luck, or knowing the right people, but because I actually was the best actor for the role – you expect me to give it up, so you feel more comfortable?”

“I expected you to care,” Blaine said. It was strange, unreal. They were fighting, in a way they hadn’t in… years. He should be upset, he should be scared. And yes, his pulse had picked up, there was a current of electricity running through him, but at the same time, he felt calm in a way he hadn’t in a very long time. Only then did he realize he had used the past tense. Expected. Now, there were no expectations left.

Under his feet, the ice started to crack.

“I do care,” Kurt said. The anger in his voice faded, turning into a more pleading tone. “That’s why I want to make this work. This is good, actually – that you tell me what you think. We can only figure this out if we’re honest.”

“I told you, there’s no point in talking if you don’t listen,” Blaine said.

“Maybe I’d listen if you could stop running off to your backup boyfriend,” Kurt said, again sharper than he probably intended.

Blaine couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Well, thank _God_ for Sebastian, because what on earth would we be doing if we didn’t have a backup scapegoat we can blame for everything? Just imagine we’d have to face the real reason we’re not working.”

“What is it then?” Kurt demanded. “If it has nothing to do with him… then what is it? Why can’t we make this work?”

Another crack, and the ice gave in.

As Blaine looked at Kurt, he finally understood, and the realization almost made his knees buckle. He held onto the table, closing his eyes against the wave of dizziness.

One moment. Oh, that was it… the answer he’d been looking for.

He managed to fall back into one of the chairs, staring up at Kurt as if he was seeing him for the first time ever. And for a moment, he did. He saw the boy he’d met back at Dalton, who’d looked at him hopeful, wide-eyed, as if all those ridiculous pretenses about knowing what he was doing were true. He blinked and saw the same boy, standing in front of the warblers and singing over a dead bird. Blink, and that same boy looked at him, amazed at a confession of love. Blink, and that boy promised to not forget him. Blink, and he stared at him, hurt and desperate over the confession of his worst mistake. Blink, ice skating at Christmas. Blink, the boy growing older, agreeing to marry him. Blink, the boy becoming a man, crushing his heart. Blink, the man promising to have and to hold him, to love him forever. Another blink, and another, and another… All those boys and men in his face, and still, in front of him, there was a complete stranger.

It felt like drowning, but not quite. There was a rush around him, he wasn’t sure if it was fear, or excitement, or just pure adrenaline. Kurt stepped closer, clearly concerned, asking if he was okay. Blaine wanted to laugh – he wasn’t even sure what okay meant. But finally, the truth had crystallized inside his mind.

A long time ago, he had confessed to Kurt his biggest fear. One day, he’d been sure, Kurt would wake up, and just realize…

_I don’t love him anymore._

There were tears gathering in his eyes, but he blinked them away, swallowed them down. He didn’t have the right to cry about this – not considering what he was about to do. Because… where was he supposed to go after this realization? He’d been tired and unhappy for so long, but he had thought their marriage was worth the fight. But somewhere on the way, love had eroded into nothing. And with that truth obvious, he realized something else. He couldn’t go on fighting. He just didn’t have the will, or the strength anymore. And what was the point?

Blaine looked up at Kurt, who was looking at him concerned. He wondered what he looked like right now. Maybe as if he’d seen a ghost.

“Are you okay?”

The words were like lead inside his mind, but he couldn’t keep them down.

“Kurt… I can’t do this anymore.”

Something in his voice must have gone through. Kurt stared at him, wide-eyed, paler than ever. “What… do you mean? Can’t do what anymore?”

“This. Us.” Blaine looked up, his helplessness pouring out into the open. “Kurt… we’re broken. You can’t fix us with counselling or a child or… anything.”

Kurt frowned, shaking his head. “No, don’t say that. Of course we can fix it. We’re not broken, just… bent. But we can make it work, as long as we still love each other.”

Blaine looked at him, but he couldn’t force out anymore words. Instead, he shook his head.

And maybe, Kurt understood. “No,” he whispered. “No! It won’t end like this. I won’t let it.”

Blaine sighed, averting his eyes. “It’s already over.”

Kurt stumbled backwards as if he’d hit him. Blaine felt sorry for him, but he couldn’t feel guilty. He looked up once more, and okay, it did hurt a bit seeing the pain on his face. He’d promised to spend his life with this man. But he had tried, and… he couldn’t.

Four years. And all he had to show for were three words. He had tried.

“You- You can’t just say it’s over. Not after one fight.”

It wasn’t one fight, though. It was the culmination of their entire marriage, and maybe he should have known this was going to happen. A part of him had known since the Dalton fire.

“I’m sorry,” he said, standing up from his chair. The ground felt unstable under his feet, but he ignored it.

Kurt stopped talking. He must have seen something in his face, something that told him that this wouldn’t be fixed with yelling or promises or songs.

“We’re not doing this,” Kurt said. “Not like this. Not in a fight. We’ll calm down, and we’ll talk tomorrow, and we’ll fix this. Tomorrow.”

Blaine looked at him in exasperation. “Just because tomorrow is another day doesn’t mean it will be different.”

“You don’t know that,” Kurt said. He sounded frantic, and Blaine realized – he knew. This was the only way he could think of staving off the words they both knew were looming over them. Like this was something they could run or hide from…

But Kurt wasn’t listening.

Big surprise, there.

“I’m going to stay with Rachel, and tomorrow we’ll talk. Okay?” He waited for a moment, before repeating himself. “Okay?”

Blaine steeled himself, before he looked up to meet Kurt’s eyes. “It will still be over.”

He wondered if this was what a broken heart looked like. Kurt’s eyes had welled up, and he wondered if he’d ever seen Kurt crying over him. He couldn’t remember. But now, Kurt turned around, running from the loft and the truth, leaving Blaine behind.

And here he was, surrounded by the remains of his life, and his marriage, sitting in a loft he despised, with furniture and things he didn’t care for, the place that had never been home.

What now then?

Tomorrow, Kurt would return, and the truth would have settled. There’d be fighting, and maybe pleading, although he wouldn’t be surprised if the pain would transform into defiance and anger. And then? What did he have left? He clearly couldn’t stay in the loft – not that he’d ever want to. Most of his friends had left New York. There was no doubt Rachel would take Kurt’s side. He had no job, and the possibility of one play wasn’t enough to hold him. Kurt had been the last thing tethering him here.

There it was again, that feeling of not quite drowning.

No, not drowning. Falling.

Slowly, he walked through the loft. There, in the shelf, was the picture frame. Only when he opened it, did he notice just how badly his hands were shaking. He almost broke the frame before he finally pulled out the piece of paper. He knew the number by heart, had it saved in his phone. But it felt right this way. Slowly, he pushed every single digit, and then, he waited.

The phone rang, as he tried to calm down his breathing. With every signal tone, another question popped up. Where to go? What to do next? How to tell his parents, or Kurt’s parents, or their friends? What would any of them think of him?

Did it matter? This wasn’t a step he could choose. It was the only way.

And then, finally, the call connected.

On the other end, he could faintly hear the sounds of a street. He wondered how late it was in Los Angeles, or where Sebastian was right now. All those thoughts cycled through his mind as he tried to calm his breathing enough to speak. And Sebastian waited patiently, giving him the time he needed, as if he knew.

They both had known for four years. This had been inevitable. As he closed his eyes, Blaine lost himself of the memory of Sebastian’s embrace, promising warmth, and safety, and _home_, and finally, he spoke the words they’d both known were coming.

“Sebastian… I’d like to make my phone call.”


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now, one last piece before we leave these boys for now.  
I very much plan to write a part three about Blaine figuring out his new life, and especially Sebastian's place in it, but for now I need to focus on something else for a while.  
Once more, thank you all for reading and commenting, and I hope you enjoyed the story.

* * *

Los Angeles greeted him with a sunny blue sky, as if she’d been waiting for him all along. It was hard to even remember the love he’d once held for New York. By now, it was difficult to discern what parts of that had been his own happiness or how much he’d been influenced by Kurt’s feelings. But that was behind him now. He was free to put into words how he felt himself. The only problem was, he wasn’t even sure what that was. Every step away from the loft had told him he was doing the right thing, but how he felt…

It didn’t matter. He would figure it out sooner or later. Now it only mattered to step forward, out of the plane and into a new life.

It was too familiar, looking around LAX. How often had he stood here, pretending to look for his brother? This time, there was no need for pretense, or denial. He openly looked for Sebastian now, and right after spotting him, walked over, stepping into his embrace.

“Let’s get you home, killer,” Sebastian muttered into his hair.

Home.

Blaine grasped tighter around Sebastian at the thought. It sounded hopeful.

The drive was familiar, and still felt different. Los Angeles would change for him as well – no longer a place of vacation and refuge, but his day-to-day life. What he was going to do with this life… he didn’t even know yet. Auditioning, acting, music… it would come together, somehow. Looking around, it felt surreal to think this was where he’d live now. He vaguely remembered feeling that way about New York. He’d been hopeful back then, too… But he, as well, was different now. Older, more mature. He hoped he could use all this to make a home for himself.

They arrived to find Cooper’s apartment empty – not a surprise, his brother had warned him he was away on some PR thing and wouldn’t be back until tomorrow. It didn’t matter. Cooper had his back, had taken him in without even a second of hesitation, and the most important thing right now was not to be alone.

There were a million things he wanted to ask Sebastian but didn’t dare to. He still had no idea about the cost of a divorce, hadn’t expected them to be covered. He thought back to the meeting with his new divorce attorney only a few days ago. He didn’t want to make this difficult for Kurt, just wanted everything to be done as soon as possible. Still, it was reassuring to have an ally like Bev Montgomery.

He could feel Sebastian’s eyes on him, as he looked around the apartment. It looked a bit emptier, even though Sebastian had only lived here for a few weeks. He still acted as if it was his place, walking over to the cabinet to get out a bottle with an amber liquid, the gold and purple logo bringing a smile to Blaine’s face. Sebastian poured generously, and Blaine accepted the glass.  
  
“To freedom,” Sebastian said softly, a weird tone of melancholy in his voice that seemed so inappropriate Blaine wanted to hug him. Instead, he nipped at the liquid, letting the burn run through him.

Sebastian was watching him carefully, waiting for a reaction.

Blaine focused on the taste for a moment. It was warm, the burn strangely smooth and pleasant down his throat, before it settled inside him. “I think I see your point,” he said.

When he looked up, Sebastian was smiling. No edge, no hidden joke, just… happiness.

Blaine had to turn away. He wasn’t sure about how he felt. There was happiness somewhere in there, but also sadness, fear and courage, pride, and the hilarity of stepping out into the open, leaving the past behind and starting new.

“I guess I’m taking your old room,” he said, trying to distract himself before he could get too lost in his own thoughts.

“It always felt like yours anyway,” Sebastian said. He stayed back at first, as Blaine walked inside.

The room had barely changed, even though Sebastian had moved out months ago. The bed sheets were green silk, the bookshelf was stacked with comics, some books he knew belonged to Cooper, and an occasional French book that he figured Sebastian must have left. A Captain America poster was hanging over the bed, beside the first season promotional poster for Ripper, probably courtesy of Cooper. There was a desk, and as Blaine looked closer, he found a stack of empty sheet music. He let his hand rest on them for a moment. He hadn’t written music in quite a while, but suddenly, he felt the urge. There was definitely enough turmoil right now in his head, and this might just be the way to express them. Eventually, his hands came resting on a little music box. Curiously, he started to wind up the key. Bell like, it started to play La Vie En Rose.

“I thought you might like it,” Sebastian said, close now. Blaine hadn’t noticed him following. He wished to turn around, to thank him, but he couldn’t tear his eyes from the box.

Sebastian’s hand rested on his arm, warm, and solid, and real. Slowly, Blaine looked up, unable to hide the moisture in his eyes.

Sebastian looked surprised for a second. “Is this okay?” he asked.

All Blaine could do was to nod. His heart was beating so strongly it was pounding inside his head. He blinked, tried to dispel the tears before they spilled, but from the worried look on Sebastian’s face, he wasn’t quite successful.

Sebastian’s hand rested on his cheek his thumb stroking slowly, over the skin, gathering the first drops.

“Blaine…”

The sound of his name broke the spell. A million thoughts and questions were threatening to flood into Blaine’s consciousness, but he forced them down. He was done with thinking. He had spent four years thinking and he was tired of it. For once, he wanted to go with what he felt.

He rose onto the tips of his toes, looking straight into Sebastian’s eyes, waiting for a protest that wasn’t coming. Instead, he put a hand onto the other man’s cheek, mirroring his gestures, and then bowed forward, to slot their lips together.

Sebastian reacted immediately, kissing back sweeter, softer, slower than Blaine had expected. For just a second there was that old instinct, that this was forbidden, until he remembered it wasn’t. One of Sebastian’s hands found its way into Blaine’s curls, and the kiss deepened, as if on instinct.

Blaine was still falling, but it was different. Before, there had been insecurity and fear. Now, the rush of adrenaline muted everything else.

_When you know there’s someone to catch you, falling feels a lot like flying._

Maybe it was loneliness, grasping for anything to ground him. Maybe it was just lust, finally allowing himself what he had forbidden himself to even think about for too long. Maybe it was a sign of faith, baring himself and giving himself into Sebastian’s hands, trusting him to take him apart, and put him back together. But for once, right now, it didn’t matter. Right now, this was what he wanted. Everything else – his future, divorce, a career, a new home, new friendships, and whatever he and Sebastian really were – could wait until tomorrow. Whatever was coming, he wouldn’t face it alone.

And through it all, he knew. He knew when Sebastian lowered him onto the bed, when their clothes were discarded, when he let Sebastian in, and then, in bright clarity as he came, the world falling away into a white-out. He came to himself with Sebastian lying down behind him, his arms strong and solid, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades.

“Are you okay?” Sebastian asked, his voice hoarse in a way that struck Blaine right to the core.

Was he, though? It was too soon to tell. Too much had happened. And still, he felt serene, calm, not a worry in his mind.

So, he smiled, taking Sebastian’s hand and entwining their fingers right there over his heart.

“I will be.”

It would take time, and patience. It wouldn’t be tomorrow, or next week, or next month. But sooner or later, he’d build his life back up again.

Sooner or later, Blaine would be okay.  
  



End file.
